I      
                  where has this happened before?
                    leave your shoes on at the door.

at the beginning
my lips were cold,
smothered down by an impending hold.
too scared to sing a song,
wouldn’t dream to sing along.
come dress up with me
take me outside
and dangle me over
your favorite waterfall.
i will drink from its rays
until they freeze up my pipes
and you fix them for me
without being asked.

                                                behind the sky
                                                 is your house
                         and you invite me every day

II

but i will never visit you
because you are not really here
and your soggy smile
gets me upset.
by coincidence we made a bet
that was intangible for you.
although i should confess, Father,
even before the time capsule
cell eroded to the surface
and laid the past out as a hostage.

                                         i never felt for you.
                                          i never liked you.
                                          i hate to admit it,
                                        i always lied to you.
                                        get away from you.
                                         get away from me.
                                           don’t come back
                                       until i can come back.
                                     i know it’s ******* you
                                  but it’s crushing me whole
                                 and now i’m blowing away
                                              and the holes
                                                   in the net
                                      are too big to catch me.

III

some days we can make it a game.
some days we microscope our pain.
wrap it up like bday presents
show it off like the pretty pheasants.

no that's a peacock
the boys are pretty
will i be pretty?

even though
it feels ******

i want to move somewhere woodsy
but i can’t go alone, oh
turn up the boom box
        so it drowns out the
SCREAM
                 ING

bu-dump bu-dump**
my heart beats
slow and constant
never stopping
never skipping
the same rate

bu-dump bu-dump
on my chest
I hold my hand
the feeling lulls me to sleep
it's my music
my reassurance

bu-dump bu-dump
I know I'm alive
I know I'm beating
I can feel it through me
I count the time why my beats
my heart beats

Every day I spend with you is a reassurance.
I've never been as sure as anything else in this world. You become more and more incredible as days together turn to months, and eventually years. You went from gorgeous to drop-dead gorgeous the first time you took my breath away, but your warming embrace brought me back to life.

Stretching up tiny little fingers to the sky,
Weeping out, forcing these unsaid words into the gut,
Breaking all 206 fragments of me,
Refusing to raise the white garment that declares,
It’s not yet over,
I will soar higher.
Somewhere out of reach,
Where the eye can never meet,
But first, I’ll be sober,
From all the despair,
Take a sip of honesty, that’s all I need.