When the curtains are down and after the last spectator exits the door, I want you to come to my green room.
To watch me taking off the costumes and slowly leaving the actor behind.
To see the scars on my skin and cracks on my skull.
I want to touch your face with my bare hands, and hold you close unbothered by stage lights and change of scene.
I want to hold your hands, go places, read books and slow dance with you.
I want to hold the basket while you select our grocery and walk with you the entire shop to pick the eye liner of your choice.
I want to mop the house as you read out news paper to me and laugh with you at the stupid statuses our friends put on social media.
I want to stir the *** as you cut veggies and make Roties with you as watch YouTube for a recipe.
I want to mock at you when you stand in front of the mirror and feed you Kaju Katlie when you are in anger.
I want to wash the utensils and clean the table as we tell each other’s stories from our day.
On days we fight I want to be the one who break the silence, so I can see the smile on your face.
I want to pack your bag as you get late to your work, yet grab a quick kiss so that I can have you for one more moment before you go.  
I want to be with you under the blanket and learn to touch you the way you like.  
I want to take the red flag from you when your hands ache as we walk shouting slogans, and tell softly in your ears that we shall win, on days you look despaired and dejected.  
I want to walk with you all the way to metro station because you believe a little less CO2 can save the world.  
I want to place the pill on your tongue even when you resist, and take you to the doctor you trust most in the city.
I want to clean your bed pan and change your clothes and help you back to bed.
I want to wet wipe your body, tell you that you are **** when you curse yourself for your ill health.
There are much more things for me to do with you and for everyone we care for.
I no more want to act or see you in the audience.
All I need is to have you in the green room of my life.

There's nobody that cares enough to look past my career,
Even I don't give a **** about the far future or near.
I am waiting for the day that I can get drunk off my rear,
If it saves a life, go ahead and put me to the spear.
Definitely not suicidal, that hotline's not my speed dial.
The evil's really there, but I'm the one who's even more vile.
My fam and friends love me, too bad the hate is deafening.
If you really wanna help me then be more than just threatening.
Can't walk with pride, so I crawl. Society's centipede.
seventy percent chance that I won't live to see seventy.
My heart plenty big, but plenty dark. My bullet biting thoughts mostly small, cause it's all bark.
But I am always down to get together, hang out at the park whenever.
Maybe even spark a little, save these memories for forever.
Keeps me and my homies tethered down, weather won't catch us now.
May not see right past this fog, but I see through you now.

It's the easy path to label all problems under depression,
no one wants proper treatment, but prefer smoke sessions.
Then you think you learned your lesson, underneath it's all digression.
Takes you at least a year to break down and start confession.
It poisons me to see my friends fade into strangers with problems,
only thing you can do is relate and say "Amen".
Why did you ignore omens? My door was wide open,
but then again I have my problems that I don't cope with.

I’m sick of the lies
I’m sick of the guise
Be an ******* to my face you *******
Cut me out like a man
Don’t ****** walk away like I did you wrong
I’ve given you nothing but love from the beginning
and you snap it back in my face
*****, I can your disgrace
and this race of ungrateful haste should rethink their approach in the presence of a kind heart and unwavering loyalty
boy,
you pushed me to the edge
and so I pledge
to never trust a soul
cuz this tossing and turning in yearning cuts deep
and I don’t get enough sleep
so count your sheep and be gone without a peep you ******* creep
I’m too real to pretend
In a world of fake embellishments to conceal god’s embroidery
I really thought you’d mean more to me
but you blend n bend just like the rest and to me
you’re just a guest so save me
the best
As I attest to never rest my pen for a pimpled partridge laced to dance to the tune we all know is rehearsed
I’m different
I see your past
I see your essence
I know your actions before you make them and lemme tell you
I could sell you here and now but you wouldn’t be worth it.
Don’t name me n game me like your dame to-be cuz I hear your hesitation and bruises
look like ******* on wanna be bad boys
**** all that noise
I’ve done that ****
I’ve lived that life
And I can play ***** less flirty and more wordy than a whole gurney of gays with no praise for your plug’s percocet purse you’re tryna nurse cuz no curse will salvage a sick man’s mind
Next time, don’t even bother
hittin me up for a quick ****
cuz you blew that chance a long time ago and I’d have to be on twice the amount of **** I was on then to ******* now
Ha! Like you’d even know how!
I’ve seen your hickeys of conquests Do you think I’m blind?
And that shows you’ve still gotta brag
boy, I’ve ****** your whole family with out a scratch so catch a disease cuz you’ll never please between my knees
You were beneath me from the beginning
But I gave you the doubt
And still
you’d rather smash for the clout cuz your way out of this drought are delusions of grandeur
not credible candor

They told me to come to my senses;
When they don't know where I came from;
They didn't know the road I took
The mishaps, the roadblocks I endured;
The bruises I got;
The sunshine I tried so hard to produce;
The pain I endured;
The touch of gold
I had to give myself;
They didn't know how awoke I was;
As I dream with my eyes wide open;
And chill with flames;
I watch every paper burn;
Every feeling stained;
I burn every bridge I cross;
In my head;
Since I was a kid;
I was told
That I would die
If I don't hold the end of a rope.

Hey, past me from so close yet seeming long ago...

A knot from my sweater's bow I regret tying despite how unkempt the ribbons look hanging by my sides because now it's digging into my back

The hair I can't decide if I want out where it's pretty and makes me look less like a generic nerd yet gets in my face and food and life

The jeans I insist upon wearing without a belt even though their slipping down my **** may actually outweigh the pain of loosening the belt

The tennis shoes I'm too attached to give up that emit a constant squeak, squeak, squeaking through the hallways whether it's caused by residual rain from outside or not

The glasses, fond of slipping down my nose at frequent intervals, covered in smudges I rarely notice till they get out of hand

The phone whose screen happened to crack at the most inopportune moment and takes forever to read my finger print

The jacket that should be a highlighter blue but rather presents itself as a canvas of the week's tomato stains

The face covered in acne-
The stomach with fat instead of muscle-
The arms lacking muscle-
The legs with too much hair-

I've always acknowledged that perfection is not possible, yet I have to at least try to strive

I think, as I sit at my desk, fingers typing fragmented sentences, attempting to convey thoughts speeding too fast to grasp

Yet, just a simple poem of reflection brings to light these numerous deficiencies, many of which I COULD fix were it not the invisible fiend upon whom I stamp the label-laziness

These deficiencies, many of which aren't even noticed by those around me, some of whom are better some are worse

But it's not as simple as that, I've known I can't just be "one of the people", I need to find something, some identity, some way out of my seemingly impossible to escape label of "just above average"

In academics, in extracurricular activities, EVERYTHING, I seem to be at a stagnant

I've done bad, I've done "just above average", but never above. What is the point if you get plenty of losses and plenty of "fine" but no victories?

It's something about me though, somehow I believe, subconsciously, I'm impeding myself. I'm holding myself back.




...



Why?

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just stop--
Stop trying
Stop feeling
Just... stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just end it
Would anyone care?
Would anyone notice?
Maybe I should just stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Harden my walls, forget my heart
Decide that nothing, no one, is worth my pall
I wish I didn't have to become numb to be okay,
Just to make the pain go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to be strong
But, I should've known all along:
I feel too deeply to be healthy,
Especially when people are involved.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I want to die
Maybe just a line at my wrist
(The X-Acto knife in my drawer would do the trick)
But no, perhaps not (I am not a fan of pain)
Bleeding out takes far too long
I don't think I could take it, anyway.

I regret ever feeling at all
The voices in my head say I'm worthless
No wonder everyone's gone
I can't attract anyone, I'm too broken
The deadness in my eyes belies a dormant predator
Watch out, I'm a hidden monster
I may catch you in my claws before a single word has been spoken
Beware the darkness of a shattered heart,
It will be far too sharp.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson
And never have to trust again
I'm blowing this out of proportion
This is so much worse in my head
But you said I should spend time with myself, love,
No matter how many times I wish myself dead.

I regret ever feeling at all
I am so far out of my depth
I don't know what to do, love
I wish you could see this mess from my shoes.
This constant nagging ache, I wish it'd go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to hate you,
To lose the pang in my stomach when you wear bruises on your neck
Your trophies are the cause of my heartbreak
Why can't you just stay away?

I regret ever feeling at all
I wish my friends could stand being around me
But maybe they sense the monster within
Who hungers jealously for that which she cannot have
Who lusts for the flesh of one who does not love her
Who, deep down, wants to hurt everyone who wrongs her.

I regret ever feeling at all
This darkness is so suffocating
Why did I have to, for you of all people, fall?
When you cannot feel the same
When all I get from you is pain
I love you, I hate you, I feel all of the above.

I regret ever feeling at all
This horrible, deadening cold
It seeps through my limbs
All I want is a hand to hold,
Someone to chase the demons away,
Someone who can love me as much as I love you,
Someone who wants to save me from myself,
As much as I do you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe if I disappeared, you'd wonder what you did wrong
Maybe you'd actually call
Would you feel any of my regret?
Would you feel the hurt you cause?
I don't know that, love,
I just know I regret ever feeling at all.