"Can you tell me what you really feel?"

He stares into my brown eyes. Confusion running heavy on his bloodshot eyes.

"I'm really trying to get the grasp of this, because if I can understand where your heart is, I don't have to stand here, worried and rumaging through my already dark mind", he sighs.

If I could find a way to let him Know how I am. It should be through poetry.
And if he can understand, I'm sure she will too.

I have had a lifeline of broken support.
In that instance it means that there's no possibility of someone being able to protect me.
I have given my heart willingly to what I assumed would love me back.
You've seen that backfire on me.
You've seen me retract back like a dog with a tail between its legs.
And I know how it hurt you.
It hurt me too.

Knowingly you took it upon yourself to create a barrier of protection between our friendship. Forming something that could offer some sort of relieve to us both. And in it's own way it did work.
Surely for a very long time, I could bare my heart break to you.
And you could allow me to be overwhelmed by your pain.
We did that.

"So are you saying you don't need my protection?" His voice breaks.

I'm saying that you need mine more than anything. I have a bruised beating heart that is protected by a soul that I've never quite met and thats okay.
She makes me feel safe,
she makes me feel protected and she makes . me smile and laugh.
I am more alive with her. Her love is remarkable. So what do you say?
Let me protect you?
My heart is in safe hands.

"Okay"

Assigned at birth
I'm your Lenta
Use me anyway possible
First for love
Hug me
Pick that up, please
Now you've...
You're the same.
Just a little bit of ferocity
**** them
Grab him
Put him in the Sanction
It's the same.
It's the same...

I don't know where to start
I thought I was done
Being distant, pushing down my feelings
Till they're non-existent

But they're never truly gone, are they?
They're always there, waiting to pounce
For the second when my guard is down
To drain my joy, every ounce

"Take me away from reality, please," I beg
But it turns out reality is just what I need

The further I draw away from my emotions
The louder my heart cries out for forgiveness
For a taste of what's real
A taste of holiness

I'm so sick of feeling
Like my problems are small
For I tell myself it's selfish
To get weighed down by them all

And maybe that's true, and I'm partially right
But it doesn't change the fact that because of it
My days aren't as bright
And my burden's no more light

This mess of confusing feelings
It's all I can do not to scream
To stamp my feet in frustration
Like a child learning what "no" means

This feeling of fulfillment
Yet dissatisfaction
A fear of tomorrow
Yet knowing tomorrow will be just a fraction

Of this life that I must bear
All deserve more from me
Yet no one deserves anything
And certainly not the mercy we all share

"God, why do you love me?" I constantly ask
"For there is nothing desirable in me to grasp."
"Because child, I made you," You say with a smile
"You're my daughter, my friend, though your thoughts may run wild.

I made you to be like this
Although it is painful
For life is a battle
You're among demons and angels

Little do you know, child, of the war going on
For you've only seen a fraction of his army of pawns
There are shadows around you, some of dark and some of light
And you simply wouldn't be able to bear the sight

I've protected your soul from the darkness outside
You're embraced in my arms, it's the place you reside
And although you may face challenge black as the night
Just think of my love, the things I have not allowed in your life

For my hand is upon you, guarding your heart
Your mind is my own, it has been from the start
And though you'll have to face them and go out once more
And though you may come back from the battle sore

You will learn, my daughter, that this is not disaster
It is not permanent turmoil, for it's your heart that I'm after
So do not worry about the day or the night
For where you go I will go, to be a shield and a light."

In the clearing
where lambs graze
our daughters also
walk at their leisure
toward school
...
there are no fences here
the shepherds allegedly
keep watch in the darkest of hours
but when steps from
an intersecting path
lunge forth as
the unsuspecting wolf
a twisted creature
upon our precious girls
these herdsmen are
certifiably blind and mute
neglectful staffs
striking the air
...
listen closely now
to the gathering winds
their transformation is actually
echoes of our own children's
eternal cries

You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Self preservation?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.

9:49AM
Friday June 22, 2018

You turned my hair into flowers
A metaphoric bound you gave them
They became beautiful flowers that you enjoyed watching them bloom
But when I saw them as roses with thorns that cut me
You insisted they were soft daisies that brought protection
And when i brought out the scissors to cut them,set them loose,
Your anger came as a storm hissing on how I could do such a thing
On how I could **** something so beautiful
I howled for their beauty is exactly why I cut them
For I would like a bouquet to fence around me
These thorny roses shall do, keeping others out
But you insisted once again that they were daisies
You insisted that they gave a blanket of protection upon my shoulders,
That the river of hair down my spine was all I needed to be beautiful
-sol