Crawling in the streets, lacking confidence
Driving past the rusted street signs, dead-ends
Running from the law, without defense
Lost in a city blinded with dust and sin
A country haunted by broken promises

So why does my heart beat faster?
When do I rush past the guns shoved in our ribs?
Why does your intimidation weaken my knees?
Don't grab me by my hair in the town square
Just take my life away in a heartbeat, I can't take it

I can hear my heart, balancing a fine line
Between courage and trust, all faith in Allah
You taught me how to fight a war like a general
With the world, as I fought with my adolescent self
It's a balancing act that most ******* funambulists fail

With ****** in my veins, I killed myself twice
A million ways you could've brought vindication
And saved us from violation and intimidation
Sheltered us from lunacy, terrorism, and vice
All we have is broken promises and crime around me

Everyone makes promises
Pinky swears and vows
Always and forever
But the road to eternity is
Paved with deception

Still somehow I let them weave
A blanket of lies beneath me
False security, holding me up
A net made of spider webbing
So easily torn apart by
The swipe
of a hand

But then I’m falling again.

Spiraling headfirst toward the concrete
And I can’t help but feel
Like this

Is exactly what I deserve.

Dangerman
—a buyer and seller
of mostly himself

Petticoat
—a ***** on the take
and about to slip

Each made promises to the other
but both loved journeys
and valleys
and limericks
and turntables
and spirits
and skirt-raising
and slowdives
and lip-biting
and come-hither
more than their here-and-now vow

Trigger-happy begetter
with an ax to grind
killing captives slowly
with jagged little things
it's the strangest sound
in spite of the plight of
the ringing in his ears
it never fades away

I reckon numbers and lead are arbitrary
to a button man
whose wheels turn circles
mainly in his skull
revolving/rouletting
as infinite go-around

Never mind though, the time must be now
for a show of hands

Motherhood waited in the ship's hold
until the treasure hunt
brought her to this final island
a choice between gold
and the aging ******

The young who suckle at her breast
might one day run mum through
with the sword at Payback
—that unsteady little homestead
where profit and loss
share the same face

Never mind though, the moment must be now
to ring the bell

And raise redemption
like a burning flag of regret

empty emotions
fuel the deep devotions of yesterday
nothing fulfilling
no true feelings
there was nothing in between
nothing breathing
lifeless ill intended words
that feel like promises
only fueled what made you die

I remember the night you held my hand and kissed my scars.

I remember the night you wiped my tears and said you'll be right here by my side.

I remember the night you walked with me under the city lights and made me feel alright.

I remember the night you pinched my nose when you ****** me off.

I remember the night you tried to kiss me under a tree.

I remember the night you promised not to leave me.

I remember every night I spent with you, especially the night you said we can't be lovers because you want me to be not in your past, but to always be in your present. The night when everything we had was set aside. The night you chose to ignore me.

I remember the night you chose to live your life, and I chose to die each day.

I remember the night when we chose to break our promises- your feet and my blades had gone through the same distance.

Once, long ago
A brilliant flash before
Saved forever in time
Faded in shades of greys
Like a photograph;
Black and white
One thing or another
Not shining in its entirety quite yet

Then, saturation of color and hue
Bring forth visions unseen
Slightly blurred at first,
Then in full detail
Sprawled out into glorious view

Though once, only raw and bare
Time brings it into exposure
Into the open air
Believe it or not
Some brought into the light of reality
As they are surely meant to be

- Jay M
April 19th, 2021