I don't want to keep being your maybe
I don't want to keep being your hypothetical
I don't want to keep being your shadowed fantasy
I don't want to keep being your naughty little secret
I don't want to keep being your ***** on the back burner
I don't want to keep being your inferior alternative
I don't want to keep being plan B

I want to be the girl, the one, you know what I mean

The laugh that keeps you craving more and more
The smile that makes a day full of rain feel like a sunflower garden
The touch that makes the pains of yesterday feel non existent
The snicker that reminds you of play time as a 6 year old
The sarcasm that keeps you on your toes
The soft voice that makes you think about how good of a partner I would be
The drive that makes you want to be a better man, better future husband, future father

Instead, I am the token of *** that makes you hard
Instead, I am the moan that distracts you from your problems you pretend to ignore
Instead, I am the breath of fresh air that reminds you how suffocated you have felt for years
Instead, I am the burden that you can't seem to ignore
Instead, I am the voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to make a decision and you hate me for that

I don't want to fall for you. But I think it's five months too late for those emotions

That is not important
No, no stop

We had a date!
Date!

You have a problem!
A problem!

How will you meet!
Joke!

By internet
How do you say I love
You?

By heart
Image

How do you say
You will marry
Her

By sending a bride image
And she

What?
How do she accept?

By showing the finger
Where a ring is put
And if the refuse

Is her answer
By moving her hand

In no way

If she wants to say bye
By typing a word

I would never admit it
But I do think it
I know you will always be in my life
Because I worry
With all the pills you pop
That one day you won't talk to me
Not because I'm blocked
But because you won't be alive to talk

Am I making a difference?
Just causing trouble
Bury me
Underneath forgotten rubble
Cannot be located with a Hubble
Telescopic
Distant incident
Magnify it
Like we always do
Now it's a threat
To my subconscious
These thoughts
My feelings
Forever chronic.

Thoughts wash over the mind
like torrential, self-inflicted rain.
But I'm hooked on stormy seas
and allergic to plain sailing,
- drunk on self-stimulated danger.
Like a **** show on the TV
you can turn it off when you please,
but the white noise occupies your mind,
so you turn it up and press repeat.