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shelby Apr 29
my shorts stuck to the back of my thighs as I walked up the brick steps. I hear the brakes of the bus sigh as they are released.
I grab the rusted door handle and look through the spider-webbed window.
I step in and the cold air stings my face and seeks into my nostrils and travels down the back of my throat.
I see you passed out face first on the couch.
I envy the feeling you have, the sweat being dried against the cool black leather. What relief that must be
Like a cold bath after a fever breaks.
I know your fever is rising but you won't say it.

but your silence and opened pill bottles tell me everything while you're asleep.
shelby Apr 29
The grey puddles splash against the falling drops of the shallow sky.
I can feel the clouds grow closer to my ears as the the thunder seeps in through every pore on my cheeks.

The cars push each others tires along and Ive always hated traffic but my mind is hoping for a stand still.

I know that when I get to you I will have to climb through the labyrinth of tubes and wires to find your soul still fighting, mute out the beeping of the machine that is pushing life into your flooded lungs.

My giant of life, the stonewall of my heart.

I never knew they made hospital gowns big enough for you.
shelby Feb 20
I think I am always going to love harder than I will ever be loved in return.

I always have.

I loved you in ways I didn't even know. I loved you even when you no longer loved me. I loved you even when you were loving her. You were in her bed, in her heart, while I shivered in ours because you weren't there and mine was growing cold.

Thankfully, I no longer worry about your love. I told myself I was never going to love like that again. I built four walls around myself so that the love I wanted to give couldn't escape, and disappoint me again.

But now He's here. He broke down those walls and I let him. He came in and tore down the person I was because of the love you didn't give.  He pried back open my heart and taught me to love again, to trust again.  Sometimes I still worry that I am loving too hard again. But I stop, and take breath

Because loving too hard means I am loving him. And to love him is worth it all.
shelby Feb 20
The August air suffocated me just like his words used to.
It was all too new, I was alone, and walking into a room full of people. My lungs were jumping out of my chest and I kept my hands by my side so you couldn't see them shake.
I walked into the chapel, took my seat, and told myself to not look as empty as I felt.

And then you walked in. My eyes latched onto you because it was the first glimpse of goodness that they had seen in so long. You sat next to me.

You were see-through. Not invisible, definitely not; but transparent. I saw your heart before I saw you. I had been staring at the same white walls I built around myself since he left and then you came, knocked them down, and showed me what it looks like to be open, exposed... free.

I think I was see-through too, but when you looked at me you just saw the spine that was barely holding me up instead of breath and being. I was running out of life, and you didn't think twice about breathing yours into me.

Please, whatever you do, don''t run out of air.
shelby Sep 2020
All the signs pointed to you
for some reason
The universe seemed to always push us together
bring about bits of hope that remind me
you're not like the others
It all seemed right.

But I sit here with a half empty coffee cup and you're nowhere to be found.
I sit here and write about how brave Emily Dickinson was for not letting men define her while I think
What can I do to make you want me.
I do everything I can, but you want until I'm at the end of my rope to respond,
and so I climb right back up the rope until I can't see the coffee or things I'm pretending to do while I think of the ways I cant trust anyone anymore.
I climb and climb and climb
at the top
I see you and I focus
I ignore it when you start to push me back down, and only notice when I feel the rope burn on my hands.
shelby Sep 2020
I wish I could write about the things that don't hurt. like how the sky fights against the dark shoreline of trees. or how the sun makes everything glow golden in the mornings. and how the horses tails sway effortlessly back and forth as they graze the ground below them. But I can't do that, I don't know how. Or maybe I could write about the red windmill in the backyard that creaks and turns as the wind pushes through it. I hear the wind chimes and I'm reminded of my grandfather, reminded of his life and how his voice always boomed through the earth, the wind chimes doing the same now. I wish I could write about how I feel when I look at him. Ive been broken for a while now and gave up on that feeling, but he brings a different light than what I've seen before, kind of like the golden sun in the morning. I want to write about the warmth of the sun burning my back and I spread across the sheets waking up in the morning. The feeling of the tears running down my face when the boy gets the girl. the happy ending. I want to write about moms wildflowers that she planted in the garden, and how they shot from the ground and created a display of pattern and active color. At night, I open the door and see the night sky polluted with the burning stars, freckled with the white dots that remind me how small I am, how small my problems are.
I want to write about that.
I focus on the things that hurt because that's what you told me to do. Never expect the best, conceal those emotions, they're bad for you anyway. I want to write of the things that make me happy but you stole that from me a long time ago.

But as I look past what I've written now, I see the truth. Only in me, not in you.
shelby Sep 2020
I was completely in the dark.
I had heard your name before, grown up knowing you were always supposed to be there but I was starting to think Heaven was a lot further than they said
You weren't answering me, I thought I must be praying wrong, why can't You hear me.
I was completely alone.
no, I was surrounded by people but they were overpowered by the voices in my head that told me constantly I wasn't enough. I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't special enough, I wasn't talented enough. I wasn't strong enough.
but somehow, I was too much for some people, at least that's what they said. Too much overthinking, too much fear, too many trust issues. too much liability.
I was completely exhausted.
I was tired of trying to be perfect and the person I was expected to be because my Grandma was the Sunday school teacher and my dad was a deacon. Put on the happy face, raise your hands in worship, and say amen loud enough for the person next to you to hear it. The mornings I couldn't get out of bed because I had nothing left to give, I got the passive aggressive "miss you in church, its been so long" text with a bible verse that reminded me to repent of my sins or Id be kicked out of the gates of Heaven.
I was completely confused.
Why did they treat me that way if they're supposed to love me unconditionally. How can they worship you but hate your creation, hate their neighbor. They're using scripture to condemn people instead of Love people like you do, God, do something.
I was completely giving up.
I was at my lowest but I couldn't feel you there..
I was so close to leaving when you said come home.
It was the first time I had truly heard Your voice. I was shaken to my knees and all I could do was surrender at Your name. You picked me up, called me your own, took my weight and carried it on your back as you led me to the place I was meant to be. You told me leave my shame, it does no good anymore. You told me I was loved, even when I was full of guilt. You brought light to the truth in love and spirit. You taught me how to love the ones around me, and to love myself.

I was no longer completely in the dark, for all You brought was light.
I was no longer completely alone, You walked each step I did.
I was no longer completely exhausted, You said rest, child. do not be weary.
I was no longer completely confused, You brought answers.
I was no longer giving up,
I was only complete.
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