My voice is not a font
My face is not pixelated
My life isn’t a snap
My emotions aren’t emoticons
My love isn’t a tap
My compliments aren’t comments
I am not down there,
but up here .

I am still that shy girl who’s afraid to approach people and have her words and thoughts heard. I am still that girl who fantasizes scenarios of her confident self. I am still that girl who’s afraid of social interaction. I am still that girl who mentally prepares herself just to say hi on the phone. I am still that girl who’s silent in one of those corners. I am still that girl who mutters and stutters words and sometimes finds it difficult to decipher her own emotions and thoughts. I am still that girl who doesn’t run because she’s afraid of her body being judged. I am still that girl and is more magnified some days.
Just this time she has a little more faith in herself. She wants to be louder than her “not good enough” talks. She wants to be bolder and burn brighter than her fears. She doesn’t want to be en-caged by the fear of others thoughts and words because it really wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth not reaching her potential. It wasn’t worth not moving forward. She’s the same girl, with the same dreams except for this time she wants to move past the fear for herself.

A parent in a supermarket aisle
slaps her toddler hard and
the child screams in pain and shock.

A teenager walking along a busy street
drops the wrapper of his chocolate-bar
on the footpath.

A woman in a cinema-theatre
in the middle of the movie
calls on her mobile-phone
her son to tell him about the movie,
disturbing the other movie-watchers.

A man walking his dog along a street
takes his dog off the leash and
the dog barks aggressively and lunges
at frightened pedestrians.

My phone buzzed and your name popped up
The sweetest message filled my screen
I wish all this was easier

I want to tell you everything, empty myself out
I feel like I’m lying to you every day
Maybe one day it could

I’m tortured by the constant buzz knowing
That I cross your mind
Knowing that I probably have a shot
Knowing I’ll waste it

My head being blown up
Just like my phone
I can’t take the pressure
What did I get myself into
I feel like I’m going crazy
With an urge to yank my hair
And slam my head
Against a wall until it bleeds
Scream to let the pressure out
And sob to release the weight

How do you do that?
You could just be sitting there breathing and I would still think that you’re incredible
You could be looking at your phone while I am trying to read your mind
Yet you don’t realize that I see you
How can you not see me back?
I get it, you see me
But not the way I see you
I hope that’s wrong because the way you look at me
It makes me curious on what’s going on in your mind
What do you think about when you see me?
Am I just there?
Was I meant to be more?
To be less?
Or was I just nothing?
Then again, nothing matters if you can’t talk to me
Like why are you scared to talk to me?
Please don’t say you’re not because like I said, I see you
I see the way you change tones when we change topics
Seeing you change always makes me question why
But I rarely ask, because that is your own reason
One thing you do that you don’t realize
When you are talking with me and we actually make eye contact
You stay locked into my eyes until I stop the eye contact
But how can I?
Your eyes are just as beautiful as you