im ******* panicking here
cant you just leave alone
******* for once before
i lose my ****.

My mind is this raging hurricane and
you can't calm a storm down lest it wants to be stopped
but mine never seem to want to stop.
Every gush of wind pushes me over
to the edge and forces me to look down
into a never ending medium
where nothing exists.

I'm sorry I'm not lazy, in fact
if you tore apart this facade and
looked inside this skin,
you will find a girl searching
tirelessly for her self worth
and for happiness for
she wants to prevail, she
wants to be loved and she
wants to never stop believing.

But my hands and feet don't stop
adding earthquakes to my storm torn
body. My brain races faster than my
mouth can speak so I'm sorry
if you can't understand what I -

No, it's not that I don't want to see you,
it's just that my heart is running a marathon
and I'm already worn out thinking
about the way I'm going to say "hi",
the way I'm just waiting for the ground
to swallow me whole just to be saved.

I'm sick of the nausea
Tired of the insomnia
Any second I could freak out again
Panting, screaming, apologizing, weeping
I'm scared of myself more than anything else
Manic attacks of sudden ******* panic
I care too much or I don't care enough
I beg my angels to let me give up

try to breathe in.
try to breathe out.
his hands are on my sternum.
my mind blacks out the image.
i’m wringing my hands together.
no...i’m pulling my hair.
his breath is on my neck —my ear.
i’m pressing my palms into my eyes.
i’m not sure oxygen is making it to my lungs.
he’s making animalistic sounds.
he’s thrown my body into shock.
it’s like watching in slow motion.
—wait. no.
it’s another girl.
and another.
and another.
it’s me.
it’s her.
god, i hope it’s not you.

Panic sinks its teeth
into my laboured lungs,
my shortened breaths
signalling their imminent collapse.

Breathe in, breathe out
I've been through this before.
It's going to be alright,
it's just a panic attack.

Walking down the crowded street
among the lucky extroverted souls,
who can blind themselves
with the cacophony created by a cold city's chaos.

Keep my eyes trained on the ground,
but keep a vigilant eye on the sidewalk behind,
To be sure fear, won't ever catch up to me.

Foot Tapping
Hand Shaking
Mind Racing
Walls Breaking
Strength Taking
Nail Biting
Head Throbbing
Knees Clattering
Teeth Chattering
Life Shattering

Hyperventilation
Depleting Frustration
Suffocation
A Painful Sensation
Desperation
Without Moderation
Devastation
Eternal Damnation
Deprivation
Emotional Mutilation
Derealization
Fear Escalation
Depersonalization
Self Extermination