“I like how the sun looks so different here”

The slight pinch caused by freshly cut grass made her constantly get up in a lazy motion, as she ran her hands through the back of her dress and gently itched her jovial face, only to lay once again under the cool shadow of the apple tree, and sigh slowly as if her chest was disposing of some long-locked secret.

That morning was utterly perfect, not a single cloud in sight, leaves drifting apart as the summer wind sung quietly amongst the field, and stroked her hair in a gentle affection. Those were the days in which I loved her the most. Martina. I did love her once, and I have no shame in saying so.

“you look just like your father”
Such revolting words to hear at a young age.
“my father is old”, I´d say, and I don´t want to look like him.

Something about the eyes I suppose. Small teary eyes, reminiscent of youth, that disappear when he smiles truthfully.
I didn't like looking like my father
My mother is much prettier, her glamorous touch and understanding voice, a radiance that lives on with her presence.
Dad is not delicate.
Strong rough hands,
Knows nothing of true beauty
Dominant tones in his speech.
It's a bittersweet feeling
Looking like someone you don't fully recognize;
We look precisely alike
Yet I do not wish to be him, in a way.

I don't think I've ever seen him cry.
His emotions are concealed deep within
For vulnerability is his weakness
Because his father taught him so.

But then again, I've seen him laugh,
And I believe that shows more range,
Like he is almost letting go
Are you letting go, dad?
I'd like it if you did.

For the moments you show me things are cherished like the most important treasure
When you say hopeful words about the weather, or kiss me on the cheek
Like you always used to do.
I feel small, dad
Smaller than I've ever felt
And to me, you are so grand
A giant even.
You know all the answers, no doubt about it,
I just need you to tell them softly. Softest.
You tend to speak so harshly
Are you still to comprehend
That we are not the same?

I need your beauty, dad.
I need you when you laugh,
When you sing,
When you hold me close to your chest like a child and run your fingers through my hair,
Saying whatever you need to say,
Adam's apple vibrating,
and hesitate to let go.

I look just like you, indeed
Therefore I'm afraid
you don't see me.

Dont answer, "Youre different."
Because we ALL are.
That doesnt make me special,
Does it?

Journal entry
May 7, xxxx

She knows I love her, my creature. Of course she does.
There are still secrets between us; there might always be. We haven't decided.
You see, some lovers- they reach a point- where they dance that silent dance, and wordlessly through looks and smiles, will decide that some secrets will always be secrets. Others say everything, and find strength in doing so. We're not there yet. And so, some things remain unspoken.

A secret I keep from her now is- I know what she is, yes, but I can't help but think of her as the opposite sometimes. A thing not with dove wings and a halo, like the paintings, but a creature with thick, rubbery wings. Heavy horns sitting on her head. There is something uniquely dark about her.

There is so much I still don't know. There is a heaven, is what she's told me. It isn't as beautiful as you think, she says. When I ask her if there is a God, she looks away. And I know there is something in my question that brings her pain. She has never answered the question.

She still walks to her lake. (Yes- it's hers now.) She visits it often.
She does it at night, when I'm asleep. But I wake easily in her presence. I've caught her walking towards the wood. I know it's the lake she goes to. It must be. I've never followed her.

She thinks she hides it well. But I can tell there is a rage. You visit your lake in secret, and what would you have to hide, if not the fact that over there you must be inflicting yourself with some violent ritual. Something I should not see. You must have some kind of terrible thing inside of you. Divine grief, or envy, something that must be gnawing at your heart. I can see it in your eyes.

Why won't she tell me? I worry sometimes that I'll never be allowed to help her. I suffer with these thoughts, and she doesn't say a thing.

There are silences like arrows, aimed at you, meant to **** you. Meant to maim the heart. But not hers.
Her silence is the kind that hurts to look at, because you know it isn't a choice. The more I **** the more her throat seems to tighten. It's as if she wants to tell you everything, but physically can't. As if telling you was an arrow. As if telling you her truths and her fears would

  **** her


I want to know why she goes to the lake, I do. I want to know what happened before. What is God to you, what has he done? Tell me please, even if I am not enough, even if I am just the rabbit you tell your sorrows to. I may be from another world, I may be the animal unable to ever understand your pain, but my ears are long and my eyes are big and I will listen and watch you intently. I love you.

Sometimes I think I'm too small. How could a thing like you choose a thing like me? The thought used to **** me. I'm learning not to spiral. Even if you won't help me. I have to stay strong. I have to show patience.
Yes, if she wants to keep her secrets, then keep her secrets she must. I worry about her, but what can I do. I can only be patient. I can only do what I can. I can only love her until she decides to bloom before me.

My angel who howls by the moonlit lake.
I will wait for you.

Prove to me that love still exists
Show me that I'm worthy for love
Let me hold you and tell you stories
Share me your most passionate dream
Convince me that you're worth the wait
Please don't let my heart continue to break

My mind is full of anxiety and frustration
I promise my heart that this is different
Let me know that I'm not making a mistake
For all I ever wanted was to be with you
Going down this lonely road with you by my side
I hope you see the love I have for you, deep inside

These lonely nights, they get so old and restless
Drinking cheap whiskey, to chase away the pain
Peeling back old memories, that refuse to go away
Holding out for a little bit longer, to be with you
Feelings so strong, they will never let go
If you only knew, how much I love you so

Trying to move on, finding someone new
I've tried over a dozen times, I lost count
But when I see them all flop on their ***
I find myself coming back to you, nobody else
There's something I cannot describe
You keep me in check and help me get by

There are nights when I can't sleep, I think of you
Thoughts race through my mind, like a wild fire
I cannot get over you, it's just too **** strong
Please help me understand what I'm feeling
I'm just feeling so guilty, what I'm doing is wrong
For all I want in life, more than anything, is to love you

Advancing the soul,
metaphysical orc, promote
original thinking,
experience all, I need sleep.

When I’m better,
now you want to know me,
if your heart was
as big as your ego.
You’ll be considered as real.
Let me go,
for my soul needs rest
before it’s taken, I’m not
worried about flying,
I’ll be gone anyday.

Clearer the thought,
deeper the soul,
more original I am,
the lonelier I become.