I stare blankly at the
bathroom wall
where the tiled portion
meets the faded blue paint
as it soaks in...
I liked it

The years of unrequited love,
the chase for affection,
the tortured artist
twisted up in twisted tortured
feelings

I spent year writing
dark poems,
letting the liquid manifest as a physical representation
of the tears shed
and bleeding heart.
Did I like it?

My existence was
wandering streets alone,
getting lost in melancholy songs,
wondering if love equated pain.

Then I found
what I told my notebook
I'd been searching for all along.
Someone loves me,
someone gives me love,
and I spent so much time searching for it,
enjoying the hunt and
getting gratification out
of my own self-deprecation
that I'm lost even though I'm found.

Do I like it?
Did I like that?
Do I like this?

I can't seem to decipher
affection and how it's supposed to
make me feel
versus how it does.
Did I like looking for it more than having it?

Am I so ****** up that
I love not receiving love more than receiving it?

I don't want to run; I want to stay;
I always used to run
to
     and away.

I miss kisses.
I miss the gentle meld of our body heat,
Soft sighs in the dark.
I miss late whispers
and hugs that make me forget.
I miss the laughs,
And casual word trade.
I miss your presence,
never an empty space.
I miss kissing you,
and forgetting everything else.

I’m not alright
Maybe it’s just tonight
The way my head is spinning
But I can’t help but know
That a part of me is missing

I’m not alright
And it’s not tonight
I can’t stand to admit I’m scared
To hold you in my arms again
Because you might slip away while
I sleep with my dæmons

I’m not alright
But only for a few more nights
Because I’ll finally see you
And you’ll be coming to see me,
Rather than talk me off a ledge

I’m not alright,
But only because I miss you again
And I know I love you again.

I’m not alright,
But I know you miss me again,
And I know you love me again.
So maybe I’m alright
And I just feel suddenly alone

I wore an old perfume today
so I could remember who I was
when I felt my first love
the scent overpowered me just like you did
and as I drove home
the scent filled my car
as the first rain of winter spotted my windshield
and for the first time since I stopped wearing this perfume
I smiled when I thought of you.

I used to sit here all alone and contemplate on my life and the emotional crisis I bestow upon my very soul.

My favorite spot in the neighborhood.

The wind would blow as I sit here listening to the creak from the metal chain as this tire swing swung.....

Swung me away from this reality as I laid on the tire, eyez facing the clouds, the white swirls mixed in the baby blue canvas as the smell of the tan bark filled the air with its aroma.

Then one day you joined me.
My best friend.
My first love.
That real love.

I held you close and inhaled the scent of your hair. Held you tight because you were mine. In this deep trance called love but at that very moment I was falling deeper and deeper into your spell. My heart pounding.

Conversed about our future.

You mentioned that one day you would want to own the sky blue three story house across the street. The house with the white stairs and the sun face painted in the tympanum of the pediment. We admired it from the tire swing.

We sat on that swing and I held you for hours. I never thought that one day I would let go.

and so, he said to me, “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want me? Because once I fall in love, there is no turning back. I love hard, and I will be obsessed with you I will smother you”.

    

                                                                                                  please do not smother me; 
                 

                              smothering implies force. 
                        It implies suppression,
                   maybe a hint of aggression, 
              with a dab of oppression 
          and a handful of asphyxiation.
      In which one kills another,
   by with the stifling of breath and emotion.
It is the death of something.

       
          
               Instead engulf me in your love;
          let me be immersed in it.
cradle me.
coddle me. 
shelter me.
                
                         let me breathe,
          
                             
                 so that I can appreciate it
                       and feel it all around me;
                that makes it so much better.
      ever so soft.
      ever so loving. 
      ever so gentle. 

                

           I understand why you want to smother,
I do.
                                  Why you want to cover parts of me
                              that you feel are light-filled.
                          Watering me with muddled emotions and actions
                     that you feel are quite harmless, but understand;
                like flowers overwatered,
             and placed in the shade
        death will become me.
         I too,
    struggle with the feeling to
repress and restrain
                                           
                                         I do 
      
                         

        
                         , but you’re somebody too
                     you’re important.
                Your love is a torrent;
        the best thing you can give along with,  
your time. 
   It’s valuable, 
so you shouldn’t give if it is unwanted 

                          


                                     even to me;
   especially to me
                      

        
                     or at least don’t make it a habit with anyone 
                 you see 
           because you are too precious 
      and too valuable 
   you say I am special,
but you too, are important 
                 

                , but thank you 

                                
         I do,
                           appreciate the gesture and the thought; 
                     I do.
                  I want your love but not like that.
               I really do,
           just not that way.
       Just not by suffocation. 
 I want to be engulfed in it…

                    
there’s a difference,
        I do not want to die… I do not want to suffocate.

Started off Exchanging numbers we crossed paths like a X
Exactly when I Examined you, I knew you ain’t like the rest
Now shawty was so Exquisite, something I ain’t Expect
I thought girls like you Existed at the type of Expense
Can’t say our fires Extinguished, yet can’t deal with the stress
I can’t deal with Expulsion, I can’t deal with Exempt
Can’t Explain with Examples, no words to Express
Excuse my Explicit lyrics but I want you so **** all the rest
I wanted to Exceed my Excursion with you without no Excess
I Exclaimed “**** love!” Exactly when you left
Now I must Extricate, I must confess
Don’t show it Externally but I feel it up in my chest
And it ain’t even bout the ***, I could get it from the next
I just don’t wanna leave having something I will regret
Its just......
I’m still in love with my Ex