I'm in my villian era;
That is to say
I'm in my intolerant era
My "I don't give a ****" era
My "I don't have patience for peoples emotions and stupidity" era;

Except its not an era
It's a day
A week
It is a come and go feeling that helps me to function and push forward,
It is an intensity
A fire burning, but not from anger
It is power and control
It is a wall
It's still kind, but different, tainted
Searching for the motive, the string, the catch
proceeding wearily, lacking child-like faith.

It is the only way to protect myself,
demanding respect
To declare that statement:
"Don't **** with me"
To be a sheep in wolf's clothing
Until I feel safe enough to rid myself of this hyde.

I want to let you in
I want to let you see me
I know in my heart that
The universe brought us together
Right now, I'm scared to open the door
Standing at the precipice of my deeper self
It could be so easy to give you the keys
But parts of me feel cemented to the floor
The fear is stone cold against my soul
Clawing away at my breath and my composure
This risk could change everything
Strengthen or shatter this precious connection
I've shown you my pain before
But you don't know of this
The secret space nestled into me
An echoing void that feels so empty
Something is missing here
Something belongs there
But I don't know what it is
I've spent so long cramming this cavern full
Of *****, love, and drugs
And it always drains out again
Because
These things won't make me whole
And I don't know what will

Drunk mit dem joint,
forcing myself to write
Listening to songs I know
work me up
Feeling their message deep
I wouldn't feel
this way if it were another time

Drunk mit dem joint,
forcing myself to write
Listening to songs I know
work me up
Feeling their message deep
I wouldn't feel
this way if it weren't another time

It was easier to surrender to the pain
than take the steps to where I needed to be.

It was easier to forget how sad I was,
angry,
disgusted,
so I swallowed my feelings with lemon juice and salt
and the bitterness burned them away.

A year has passed and now I feel nothing.
There is no positive side,
there is no negative side,  
because I can't put labels on things I can't feel.

Is this healing?
If it is, when do I get to laugh again?
And if it isn't
how do I start?

What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again

I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away

I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something

But it's been a long time

And sometimes feeling nothing

Can feel better than feeling

Lonely

I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips

When you’re little, everyone thinks you’re special...
When you’re twenty, everyone thinks you’re promising...
And when you’re dead, everyone will love you.

Do you see yourself as successful?
Beautiful?
Charming, even?

Well, I see you dead in a bathtub...
Surrounded by drug paraphernalia.
I see your mother crying for you...
Syringe in her arm to take away pain.

Do you see yourself as a failure?
Disgusting?
Horrid, even?

Why, don’t think of yourself that way...
You’ll be alright.
There is no storm...
Just calm, just the eye...

When you’re little, they beat you.
When you’re twenty, you’re hopeless.
And when you’re dead, you’re saved.

Is the drive boring?
Tiring?
Numbing, even?

It’s okay, just fall asleep...
You’re not responsible anyway.
It’s fine, go to sleep...
You’ll be unresponsive, anyway.

When you’re low, it’s blue.
When you’re high, it’s full.
When you’re dead, you’ll finally be numb.