hello new
first breath of air
your mama and papa
your loved ones there
a mini human so soft and smooth
just yesterday in my sister's womb
and today you're in this world
you can even cry
just about seven pounds
you came exactly on time
welcome to the human existance
you've come into a crazy world
I'll tell you stories of how it was
I'll be the one considered old
you will forever know me
as favorite aunt
I'll spoil you and teach you
how others cant
you will be the you'est you
full of confidence and personal views
so happy birthday
happy new

I love you
a million stars and moons
Of planets we can't see

Be true to who you are,
Because you are amazing.

The wobbly love bits
woke up when the morning is
still fogged by cold purple-hued
freshness

She covers her face
but reveals those baby eyes
to follow you with
mirthful wonder
and she flails her wobbly fingers
and wobbly arms
with playful waves
and her mother
takes away her blankie
And she is dressed in
blue, and that sort of
beauty all crammed inside
that little brand new human being
can be quite
overwhelming

Her few feather hairs
and happiness-crinkling eyes
and mouth in a laughing sort of circle
and her invisible neck
and super puff-loved
cheeks
And love-hearts
fill the air
and spread joy
though your bones
and nerves
like warm sunshine
that melts
yesterday's despair
and dissipates
all the tiny
agonies
within
her radius.

-To Alice
Jan 7, 2016

I remember,
my mother would often tell me
I am not alone.
I wonder is she feeding
the same lies
to my niece?
Oh mother,
please don't lie
to my baby girl,
tell her the truth,
tell her how alone she is.
Tell her,
that no one will be there for her,
that no one will save her,
unless she saves herself.
And, I know I am a disgrace to you,
but please tell her about her aunt,
the one who loved her more than she loved herself.
Tell her how much I loved her,
and teach her how to fight alone.
You ruined me,
but in the name of everything you love,
Save her.

little children
whom I adore...

sorry I wasn't always fun
at times, I did bore.

sorry I wasn't always nice
candy is sweet, but reality is spice.

sorry I didn't kiss and hug you enough
I do not know, how not to be tough.

I only wished I could have loved you more
for that reason, my heart will die sore.

Banned,
momentarily.
young, impetuous
stubborn and aware,
tac sharp, she merrily
swears all contraband.
trapped by parental snare
in her room of thoughts
she battles valiantly
with screaming demons,
playing cleverly,
her winning
hand.

that's what you have called me
since you were about
one and a half.
who knows where it came from,
I certainly don't.
unless you were telling me
that I had a pizza face.
and maybe I did.
I was only 13
maybe 14.
you were the cutest
little girl I had ever met,
of course.
you still are.
a bit of an *******.
just like your mom.
just like your aunty pizza.
but cute,
loveable,
and certainly
wonderful.
you are hilarious without knowing it
laughing along because
we were.
you are going to grow into
a fabulous woman.
I know it.
and I know i'll watch it.
I know i'll help you
grow up, make mistakes, fix mistakes.
and Lacey,
Aunty Pizza
will always be here.
even if that's not what you call me,
that's who I am.

Let me tell you the story of how you showed me what it means to be part of a family.  Let me tell you how sometimes I joke that “hitting means love if it’s your family,” but I’m only actually half-joking, because that’s how I grew up.  Let me tell you how family has been for me in the past and how it meant people that would hurt you, betray you, abuse you, and destroy your very will to live.  Let me tell you about the nonexistent dad, the hateful stepdad, the cousin that liked hand jobs, and the uncle that came for me every night without fail.  Let me tell you that the abuse wasn’t just ******, and how that one time we got sent to the orphanage I was only upset because they took away my little sister.  Let me tell you about how I found a strange peace there.  And let me tell you how all the people I have loved most have died, and how I thought I was a curse so I stopped loving at all.  Let me tell you how weird it is to me to have parents calling to check up on you, and eating dinners together, and just having conversations.  Let me tell you how I look at y’all, confused as to how you can stand one another without the help of drugs.  Because let me tell you, that’s all that stopped the yelling and punching and hate at my house.  But let me tell you about how y’all seem to genuinely care for one another.  And let me tell you how much it makes me want to cry to be enveloped within this family.  Let me tell you about the time your mom told me she loves me and I didn’t know how to respond, because my mom and I only traded hate.  But let me also tell you about how I started saying it back, and mean it.  And let me tell you about my 26th birthday, when your family threw me my very first birthday party, with cake and ice cream and presents, and I didn’t know how to react to such an outpouring of love, or how to begin to show how thankful I was.  Let me tell you about y’all planning a trip six months away and inviting me.  Let me tell you how much it means, not only to be invited on a family trip, but to be accepted so much that it’s just assumed I’ll still be around then.  Because let me tell you, I live in fear of losing you.  And let me tell you about the time you almost gave me a heart attack by asking if I’d be okay with your niece calling me “Aunt Amber,” because part of me is still scared of getting that close.  Let me also tell you how my heart clenched when your mom told me your niece threw away your high school dance pictures because I’m not in them.  So let me just tell you how I cry happy tears now, knowing I am part of a real family.

Baby ladybug, how I'll love you when we meet,
From your newly thinking head to your newly tapping feet.
How you'll fly out in the sunshine, pick a petal for your seat;
Lovely baby ladybug, how I will love you when we meet.