Audacity is when your ****** texts you
To wish you a Happy New Year
Because his therapist advised him to make amends.
The price of breaking my soul
Is more than a ******* text.

...but my knees are aching
and molar is cracked
I woke up this morning
with a hurricane back!

I'm addicted to
The drug called happiness.
A simple addict
Of fantastic phantasm fantasy,
In ecstacy.

I always heard that things peak.
What goes up, must come down.
Am I at my come down?

Why can I not forever feel
This happiness?
Will I wade in the shallow
Ocean soon?

Can things just only keep getting better?
These days I glow
In a radiant beauty
And I have never seen myself
Glow before.

Is this feeling just the now?
As I become a ***** to the
Good feelings that my life
Is suddenly bringing me.

I like to think that my life
Is paying me back with good luck
For all the times I missed a four leaf clover
Growing in a meadow
Or didn't glance at a shooting star long enough to wish.
And this time I don't need a good luck charm,
Or a wish.

But now I come to.
Is this my peak?
Is this as good as things will ever be?
What we built upon could fall,
And I grow afraid of tomorrow.

2018 brought me growth,
2019 brought me happiness and stability.
Oh, curse this new year bringing me fear
Because chasing after a stillborn dream
Is beyond my ability.

This dream, I never want to wake up.
There is a person I love.
A family I built.
An internal balance I perfected.

Would life be cruel to rip that away?
But worst of all,
I could never prepare for that
Because that's how life is.

I became happy gradually,
Without noticing the changes
Because becoming stable and feeling loved
Became my normal.
So, will I never notice what I will lose?
Can that hurt me more than noticing at all
And trying to stop it
At a demise?

2019
A year of supposed promises
The ones made before you boarded that plane
I recall the hour-long talks after dinner
The endless car rides infused with songs of our past
We had always told each other we'd be there for one another
If there was any certainty in all this
It would be in our efforts towards each other
You once told me I was somebody you needed
Somebody who you wanted by your side in all of your successes and failures
I thought these words held validity to them
I guess not
...
Fast forward 365 days later
The closing of a decade
A recap of my childhood blares through the speakers
The days of struggling adolescence are cued next
And embedded in them are the recollections of you and I
New Years Eve
Attending a party I had no formal invitation to
I see you across the room
Do you feel it too?
Do you think of the taxi ride ten minutes before midnight last year?
Did your "2019 Recap" include me?
Or did you save yourself the trouble and delete every trace of me ahead of time?
There's no room for conversation anymore
Only side glances and uncomfortable stares
Your eyes send a message I've grown tired of deciphering
Are you satisfied with the way things are?
Or do you wish they were different?
What difference does it make?
If you wanted to
You would've,
Wouldn't you?
...
I think we're running out of things we can say
Or maybe there's too much to say and no way to start this again
I don't want to salvage whatever may be left because of history
I don't want you to keep me around because of memories
Stay
Or leave
But don't come back and forth when it benefits you only
...
This one's for you
Don't make promises you have no intention of keeping

i will learn to taste the honeydew
and pretend to like it

i will taste the honeysuckle
and not have to pretend

i will feel grass in my hands and
say it is the best of life

and not the woman i need between my teeth

i am not ferocious, not demanding, not unwise,
simply at peace.

i am the sparkler to the firework
the star to the sun
the kitten to the lion.

but are these not all one and the same?

i see dandelion seeds and
though they are weeds i will
watch their dance anyway

i dive into agua dulce
wishing to be stardust instead of glitter
but glitter is certainly better than ash

under the water i have a moment to myself
where it
takes my screams into pockets of air
floating up without consequence

escaping my body at last in
a beautiful anonymity

may watchful eyes devour my body
unmarked, unblemished, devoid.

and they will watch as i make myself perfect

…but if the powdered sugar somehow melts off of my skin
i beg you to look away
for your sake and mine

This world is a sad and dangerous place
Everyone knows it, everyone feels it
The new year brings new disasters
2020 didn't even give us a minute
to catch our breaths

We have the possibility of facing
A new war with every passing minute
It seems a new shooting happens everyday
Australia is literally on fire
And what can we do?

We place our trust in our leaders
In our countries
To keep us safe
Placing blame on anyone but ourselves
Some pray for people to be good
Yet even churches are no longer safe
We hope for the world to cool and calm
But with everyday comes new calamity
And what can we do?

War is an idiots parade, and we don't have a say
We can't predict disaster
We can't predict who will lose their mind next
We aren't prophets
We don't know how to be safe anymore
Worst of all
We are too lazy and selfish to save our planet

We don't know what to do anymore
This world is falling apart
And what can we do?

1. Sometimes your heart rate rivals that of a racehorse— remember that you’re not in a race. Breathe slower; think slower. The world moves fast enough.
2. You were not born to carry the world on your shoulders.
3. Everything happens for a reason— there is a divine plan in place. If you look closely, you can see the borders of the puzzle. You can see each piece settling into its place. Know that you are also settling into your place, even if the whole picture hasn’t yet been revealed.
4. Others’ perception of you has very little to actually do with you. It is not your job to be palatable, to be dainty, to be condensable into something bite-size and picturesque. If they cannot fathom your magnitude, it is not for them to fathom.
5. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
6. “Do small things with great love.”
7. Words lacking purpose seldom make their way into our collective consciousness; cliches are cliches for a reason. Listen to them.
8. Every word in a sentence has a purpose. Every sentence in a phrase has a purpose. Everything has a purpose. Pay attention to it all.
9. “There is no fear in love.”
10. Infinities are made up of individual moments. Moments are made up of individual infinities. Cherish it all, the big and the small.
11. Don’t let fear destroy relationships. Speak with intention. It shows that you listen. It shows that you care.
12. Be the shoulder your thirteen-year-old self needed to cry on. She is gone, but there are so many just like her. Care for them, as you would yourself. Care more.
13. Good company makes bad food taste a little better. Good people make the life you live a little sweeter.
14. Sometimes you need to look people in the eyes and tell them you love them. It matters more than you know.
15. Others will not always afford you the same compassion you afford them. You are not responsible for how others treat you. You are responsible for how you treat them.
16. Everyone deserves kindness.
17. Anger can be productive, but don’t sit in it too long. Take a small weekend trip into the fury, but once the time is up, give it a kiss on the cheek and a quick wave and make your exit. You do not want to live in the rage; pay a visit and learn a thing or two, then pack your bags and say goodbye. You have better places to be.
18. Vulnerability is power.
19. Every moment is infinitely important. Don’t wake up one day and wonder if your best days are behind you; they are always ahead. Time waits for no one, and you shouldn’t want it to.