My relationship with mirrors is strained. When I look I usually see what's probably myself. I look better, probably, than before when I slept no more than 3 hours every night and spluttered through life choking on words and stumbling over misconceptions. Now all of that is merely a buzz trampled by a maximum dosage of meds that let me function in life but make everything a bit numb. I much prefer numbness to personal nihilism. Other times when I look in the mirror I don't see much of anything. When I'm in public and the innocent looming presence of others threatens my mind's fragile ego, I see them abstracted in my periphery, their glinting knives of eyes sparing me a passing glance (She's just smiling politely, but my skewed eyes glimpse faux teeth and behind them gargled, ****** judgements. I don't judge the digust.) and I skim over a transparency of myself in the mirror. Too bad I can't actually disappear. (Or maybe I can. But I try to stray a little farther from those thoughts.) Sometimes I feel heartbreakingly ugly in that mirror. Lonely. Unwanted. Even with all those doting eyes on me. I feel relied upon for something. To be the one who makes them laugh. The one who fills the silence. The one who works hard even with setbacks. (Do they even expect that of me? Or do I?) When in reality I'm none of those things. Not truly. Not really. Theres always that tug of opposition in me, that feeling of ingenuity, a touch of facade. But I don't want them to see an ugly side. The side that mistrusts violently, that lies stagnant with thoughts screaming. Clamming up in the face of oppressing quiet. The side that rears its head when they look a little too close. Maybe it's my truest self, that broken side. I wouldn't know. There are too many walls. I can't even break them myself. Or maybe I've broken them all, but I'm blindfolded, feeling around an abyss with my eyes wide open, vision obscured by skin-tight fabric. I could just, untie that knot behind my head, spiral further and further down-- just to feel something else-- But it's safer in this uneasy emotion. I dont know if I'll ever find myself in the mirror again.