It’s been too long since I’ve had a mental breakdown.
I feel it building that a pressure valve.
It’s been too long since I’ve had a good cry.
The other day someone told me it had been a long time since someone made them cry.
I congratulated them
only to realize the same was true for me and I don’t know how happy I am about that.
At least when someone made me cry it meant I had someone who could make me cry.

It’s been too long since I’ve been in love. I mean real love.
Just the other the day I was in love with a girl I saw on the street.
In my head her name was May, like the month but she was sick of people saying that to her.
In my head I talked to her and she talked to me and we went on a date and then another.
She met my parents and at first my mom didn’t like her as her hair was too short.
“How feminine could she be?” my mother would say
My mom would change her mind when May pretended to have the same opinion on some big issue
like gun control or the Casey Anthony trial.
In my head May is such a sweet heart.
We’d be happy for a long time and we’d get married and see the world,
I’d be successful and she would do whatever made her happy too.
We grew old in my head
and then we died in my head.
First she would die of cancer then I of a broken heart.
By the time all this conspired in my brain she was across the street and I decided it wasn’t worth the heartache to pursue her. Yes, it’s been too long since I’ve been in love and was loved in return. Since someone held my hand. Since someone looked me in the eyes and read my mind, my mind worn on the sleeves used wiping the tears of laughter from my face.

It’s all been too long.

Soft flirtations,
And obvious innuendos,
Gentle murmurs of empty sweet-nothings.
The rising excitement,
Perhaps a bit of nausea,
To see you.
I know quite well,
What will happen when,
My plane touches down in your state.
An odd anticipation.

Head down
Speak up
"No," I say aloud
For the first time in my life

stutter stutter stutter

I am worth more than what my emotions
Allow me to display

I swallow my nerves
Swallow the lump in my throat
"No," I repeat, louder now

Walk all over me, no more
Strive to please you, no more

I gather my thoughts
Gather my courage
And speak what my heart has to say

Ignore my mouth's confusion
My tongue is not passionate about talking
Until there is someone willing to listen

listen listen listen

I've had enough
So just stop

It's up to me
To shut you down
It's up to me
To open up

So just stop...
And listen.