it was my cigarette break
when i wrote down on a lipstick stained napkin
every sight of the smoker's lounge
i fought so faithfully to make out you face through the mask
of smoke you hid behind,
but since i could not tell who you were
i made up who i wanted you to be
and now i can pretend that i'm the one running the game
after my last hurrah that ended in my typical
hissy fit that a man did not worship me
(even when i ignored him and gave him my cold shoulder, i expect the world)
but it is you with the eyes that taunt
i, your cigarette,
wrapped ever so intricately between your index and middle
i- your drag
but you are the fire that boils my water
the force behind my words,
my fear,
the ruination of my reputation
for being closed off so much so
but these are too complex of thoughts for an afternoon smoke
and you seem to pick up on that, too
easing me back to my state of cold, bitter
your cough the only thing that echoes on.

it is difficult
to find the right words
when you don't want to be with somebody
and yet
when you envision them with another
your bones are rattled with urgency;
a feeling that occupies places in your body
you didn't know existed
the type of thing you can't seem to shake off
you feel it under your skin
and then, you are faced with two options:
do you send him away because you don't truly love him?
or do you become selfish
trailing him around like dead weight
knowing full well nothing will become of it
but wanting to drag it out for as long as possible
I looked you in the eye,
felt your hands linger around my neck
and knew in my heart I would only bring you pain as I have others
but foolishly I clung to you like you were gold,
not knowing that once you left
the fools gold I had mistaken you as
would turn out real, promising
now you and I(because there is no "us")
sit amongst mixed company,
you in the back of the blue kia,
I in the passengers
your eyes bore into the back of mine
I look out the window to drown you out
and as you notice my disengagement
you reach your hands to the back of my neck
wanting to make me better again
wanting me to save you from the grasp of my rigid behavior
but how the **** can I save you when you were the one who was going to save me?
don't touch my neck like you never left
don't touch my heart
don't make me shiver under your embrace
because it was you I had to myself
and it was you that I lost

it was then that i saw you were gone
that i let you slip through my fingers like sand
and that same sand collected at the bottom of the hour glass
i became mesmerized
obsessed
when would the glass be filled with the gritty substance so i can flip you over
and we can go back to square one
like the strangers we are
and the sand keeps dripping until you come again
because i can pretend that i know you
and that our souls are somehow synced up
but when it's all said and done
and i lie alone on a Friday night
wondering why you haven't materialized in front of my eyes
i know there will be no more visits by my ruin
my ruin
the one who can do no wrong in my eyes
but will leave me with bumps and bruises and aches
my ruin
who left one day and never came back
whose presence was not felt in four months
until now
i haven't felt you calling
since September
something is reaching out to me
calling you to my attention
you need me
or you want to believe you do

I cannot take this scorching heat,
I need to rest my burning feet,
I do not submit,
I can't say defeat,
nor will I run back in retreat,
please I beg a needed seat,
I hear ahead a native beat,

I move my hands in the softest wheat,
awaiting me my native greet me
lovely familiar & very sweetly,

They clear for me some lovely aisles,
I've walked a hundred thousand miles,
I've smiled a hundred million smiles,
endured a hundred billion trails,
as they took my blood in greedy vials,

I held hands steady all the while,

My lips are parched,
my body blistered,
my ink is dark no longer glistered,
there's a sturdy board to which I've sistered,

Teardrops fall like steady pounding rain,
she looks high above in light to strain,
she knows it could not possibly be in vain,
she believes inside she can take the pain,

To see a lovely glimmer of hope
on the distant horizon blue,
violet pink and tangerine are her favorite shaded hues,
she sees a favorite angel who's giving her a little cue,
come to my my darling here's the needed clue,
everything at once will eventually be clear to you,

You are blessed,
kissed by luck and fate,
and today just wasn't quite the date,
now you know why we never hate,
you glimpsed a moment inside the pearly gates,

I release you back to those you eternally, love,
I gift you back there,
with fervent praying hands from all above.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

i sat on the edge of the bed
typing away while you dreamed
focused on working instead
but despite what it seemed
i was there, in that moment, with you
finding comfort, i promise it's true
stuck to your side like glue
every color other than blue
it's your kiss i find exciting
and your touch i find relaxing
in your presence i'm delighting
even if i'm just a bit taxing
no matter what we do
simply being near you
is my dream come true
but that you knew
i've said it more than a few
times before when we're together
our lives we've chosen to tether
through thick and thin and horrible weather
from overweight to light as a feather
it's true
plain to see
it's you
and it's me
happy

How do I love you?

I love you like the moon,
must be in love with the stars,

The light that brings me home,
& comforts my weary heart,
it stimulates my mind,
& gives me a needed start,

Energizes my tired spirit,
while illuminating my soul...
it's a hot & burning ember,
not..
just a lonely coal,
loving you my darling to me,
a noble goal,

It's like how a poet,
simply loves his empty page,
& how an out of control fire,
just loves to rage & rage,

It's like that lovely combination,
of rosemary,
thyme and sage,
it's like a well beaten bird,
freed from,
a long and binding cage,

It's every single memory,
handed down,
throughout the winding age,
imparting the needed knowledge,
from a wise imparting sage,
as I check again,
my trusty weather gauge,

I set a course directly home,
  to your,

               S
                 k
                    y
                        .
                       .
                     .
                      .
                    .
                     .
                         .

Cherie Nolan © 2016