was it not enough
that i loved you and
you loved me?
(and i was never even sure
of the latter
until you said it
right before you tried
to **** yourself
for the ninth time or so.)

you never said it
out loud,
not in specific terms,
not right to me;
my best friends told me
that is why
i should be wary
of how strongly i felt
about you.

but i'm the one
you thought you should say
your last "i love you" to,
the one to show all of your
pretty black and white
versions of pretty flowers
to. i'm dying, trying to
think of what your
night garden looks like
and where in it you wanted
your best friend to find you.

it is hell
to have loved someone-
to know you love them
right now, still-
so much and for so long,
and to realize
you don't actually feel
them loving you back.

if you turn onto
a one-way street
in the wrong direction,
it is still dangerous,
against the law
even if you didn't see the sign.
and just because i love
and my love is accepted
does not mean
i'm on a two-way street.

now i'm crushed.
between metal and metal
i'm crushed. in flashes,
when you speak, i see
myself chewed between your teeth.

so when you light up when you smile
when i say in some way that
i love you, you are also
the oncoming headlights,
appearing suddenly,
coming at me on the highway.

And I go to sleep
With you in my heart
And in my soul
In my skin
And in my breath
My present
My future
My dreams
Sweet they are
Goodnight

I knew it was you
Your soul was inscribed on mine
The man I envisioned,
I knew you were the one
The man I dreamed of
I have always known you.
Though only recently saw your face
Your smile, your touch,
The way you calm and inspire me
I always knew it was you
Even when I didn't yet know
Just who you were

the feelings of hurting i've been
having since you told me the way you work
are not the worst that i've felt all
my life. it bothers me that you've gone,
and it bothers me that i'm only bothered,
not dying.

i loved you in a way i've never
loved another soul. i loved you to your core.
i loved you as a being in a faulty body.
i loved your past life's symptoms...
still do.

i feel overly sensitive
to the sun - just by rays and not
by warmth. i can soak in the warmth, i can
feel reborn if i keep my eyes closed.
i can see the blood red, begin
again. i open my eyes and i'm all
blood red and even my breath
hurts my skin.

you told me you were akin to disease,
like your own, but toward me,
and i should have made it more clear
how well i would handle the word "terminal"
if it was you who directed it at me.
to be honest i would love nothing more
than being restricted to bedrest,
afflicted with you.

you have every permission to
eat at my brain like a poison.
burn my heart with equal parts fire and acid.
i'm asking you for it. i'm asking for you.
i'm calling for you and you hear me. we see
each other, stare. you don't answer.

you wanted to clean me up, dust the
dirt of you off me, wipe the mud from my eyes
that you think surely must be keeping me
from seeing clearly. but there is no mud, just
my own dark circles. i am clean
though i stand in the deepest hole i've
ever dug. still you scrub. my skin goes
numb.

i miss you,
in such a boring way.
my eyes materialize you
slowly, and blurry,
and automatic.

i don't need to wish you were here
to wish you were here.

all the tangled veins broke
and the waterworks started.
little firework drops
colored my skin on the surface.

and you took this all in
watching me barely breathing,
my soggy heart hardly beating
in the palm of your hand.

i've never wanted anything
more than i wanted this:
my life in your hands,
my DNA in your fingerprints.

this is the only way to die-
at the hands of a stranger i wanted so much,
who could see my entire life at once
by reading my heart's pulp like tea leaves.

Being alone isn't always that bad, but
Dancing with loneliness is a dangerous path.
You get brought into the act
You get stuck and ****** within

You saved me from myself
With that smile so honest and true.
I've been dating and laying with darkness so long
That is until I met you.

Time stopped as you walked by
I knew you were different and true
You smiled and wave, I smiled and gave,
You all my heart in that moment.

You showed me not everyone is a monster
You showed me the good within.
I forgot all my past, the good and the bad,
As you shaped me to the best I could be.

My soul once black with loneliness
Now bright as the sun with joy
Is all thanks to you, for giving me hope
and seeing it fulfilled with your love, my only boy.