Loops feel cursed to me,
I've been living in them for God knows how many weeks,
I'd do anything to break the pattern,
anything to make them scatter,
I've been picking the scab on my chin for an hour,
You won't read my texts anymore,

Everything I eat,
no matter how sweet,
tastes sour,
Probably a side effect again,
Isn't it always in the end?
Just a side effect again.

I've been spelling words inside my head,
It makes me feel crazy but the patterns will save me,
Just make this all stop please,
I'm tired of this repetitive clicking,
It's really really itching,
I can't breathe

It's just the side effects again
They always say it is in the end.

If you stare out of a window
Across a bleak garden some September morning
If the neem tree in the garden reminds you of home
Vast, old, timeless
If you remember playing under a neem tree in Allahabad
And you can almost hear the laughter of children as they play
In the heat of a sultry afternoon in June
And because the window is small and barred and cannot open
Because you want to breathe freedom
Because you want to shower without them watching
Because you silently swallow your screams
Because your mind is starting to get fuzzy
Because your tongue is starting to slur
Because you have started drooling
Because your fingers shake when you write
Because the words Ritalin Prozac Depakote Lithium
Have started sounding like poetry
Because you feel your resistance slowly dying
Because you start to say the words they want to hear
Because you know the glazed look in the eyes of others
Is in your eyes too
Because this confluence of muscle and bone is wasting
Because you sleep for hours
Because you now smile at your doctors
Because you scream when the ECT paraphernalia is wheeled in
Because no one cares
Because once you’re labeled, you will be forever
Because asylums were once freak shows
Because asylum is not what it means
You go back to staring
Staring
Staring
Staring
Staring
Staring
­ Staring
Staring

Laughter is my offspring.

Never trade a rich life
of gone-too-soon summers,
for immortality in a lifeless winter.

Let this life be mine to divine,
when the legacy is gone,
and I'm wandering in the black beyond,
Don't overthink or ponder on,
Just listen.


For those distant giggles I left behind,
an echoing gift for all mankind.

She can cut diamonds.

There will always be
Some hard elements
Scattered along the way
But she will be at it
Because she can cut diamonds.

I stole a bottle of beer from the fridge
I chugged about half the bottle
but I didn't like the taste
so I threw it out the window
and then I threw myself out as well
and I went to pick up the leaking bottle
and I drank it still, even though I didn't like the taste
and I fell asleep in the cold, and I think I cried
and tears made their way down my cheek and into my parted lips
and I didn't like the taste
but I continued crying, anyways
and in the morning my brother handed me some medicine
that he promised would make my head feel better
so I took it from him and swallowed
but I didn't like the taste
so I went and found another beer in the fridge
to down the medicine with
and even though I didn't like the taste
I got used to it.

What heals that which cannot be seen?
Can we bandaid that which cannot be touched?
          Well, no.
The religious say that faith in the Lord God can heal the soul.
           If only I believed.

So what can mend a broken soul?
Happiness? An emotion that is a stranger.
     The unknown cannot heal me.
Food? The comforting taste of a well cooked steak.
     Maybe. Until the soul is mad for creating an ugly body.
Love? The warmth of another’s heart.
     Yes. Until it goes wrong, and it will.
Then the soul breaks in two.
               Again.
Music? The rhythm of those who understand.
     For a while, until the music stops speaking.

The soul grows and shrinks, changes everyday.
What pill can mend a broken soul?
What pill do I swallow to feel whole?

You move within me
this fluttering heat inside.
Drool to slow sips,
my tongue forms into your lips.

You expel at a distance,
The demons we come carrying.
As you taste me unseen
from your pillow.

I stretch and bend hoping
You’ve caught my kiss.
You cut the pain and
I take you in like medicine.