I miss the illness;
the sleepless nights.
The terrible fears;
the endless fights.

Overcome by drowsy
aches and sadness.
Complimented by
manic madness.

Shaking in terror
but no clue why.
Holding my breath
no room for a sigh.

The days were hellish,
long and gray.
Yet I yearn
for one more day.
Why do I wish
to be that way?

When all it brought
was hurt and pain.
Does longing for more
make me insane?

like a Meteor crashing through the sky
with no thoughts for the Annihilation it will cause.
Narcissistic and Irrational are traits of it all
Anarchic until its end…

Stability!
Not constantly in the torrent of your mind
do you find ease in the pulse of reality
where your fingers get a break from the heavy weight of your soul
hanging off a cliff at 20 below

My best friend!
Today we will get all the things done
and shown to be efficacious in life
only to climb up from the cliff
and then to bear witness to the depths below

My worst enemy!
In the mire of the pit I lay, motionless
molasses encases my mind and therefore my body also
no will power to fight that arduous fight
ready to end all that is and all that shall be

The ride!
On this roller coaster, I muster the energy,
somehow, made it through spell after spell
the grievance my own mind has against all that I am
which allows these words to boil a sweet tea

On nights that sleep won't come
Even when we call it's name
Singing it's praise in our prayers
Begging like basking street performers
Desperate as a drenched sparrow

Caught in a rain of my own
Trickling dark red drops of mildew
Down my weary shoulders
Cradling my sallow face
Clouding my blurred vision

These nights hang low like dampened skies
Hollow storms filled with empty thunders
Draughts wearing a wet cloak
Pretending to be an upcoming rain
Steered by gales of Arctic wind

Piercing through my decrepit bones
Dropping pins and needles under my skin
The pain coursing through my veins
As bright as the paint staining my fingertips
Dripping destitute and distraught

Devastating images drowned my mind
In visions of broken vessels
Sunken ships and battered corpses
Wearing broken sails like a second skin
Boiling blood that has turned cold
As waters of the Antarctic ocean

so here I am
bottling up my feelings again
pretending I have nothing to say again
for fear that we'll get into a fight again
a fight over something ******* stupid again
          it's always ******* stupid
I can only hold so many of my feelings in
before I explode,
before I unload,
before another episode
I guess I should just bottle it all up, right?
push it down, shove the cork in tight
          blow it up with dynamite
                  * * * * * * * * *
those late nights
when we fight
& our demons intertwine
where the monsters come out to play
& the devil bites into your brain
it makes you insane
          *lovers' quarrel:
          your own personal brand of Hell

this time last week,
i was curled up in a ball on my bed
trying to get through my latest
mental breakdown.
i did get through it, just like ones before last week.
i'm in a spot in my life where
stepping outside onto the deck feels...
fresh and awakening, rather than debilitating.
going to my class felt new and inspiring,
rather than repetitive.
seeing you after waiting all week felt
euphoric & satisfying.
i'm at a point in my life where
i can start to pinpoint where things started going wrong.
so now, i'm making them right.
i'm thankful for it.
i'm thankful for everyone who helped
me realize that there are
things to be thankful for.

Sure, it may be like death;
this agonizing, vicious pain.
But you can decide to end it in two particular ways;
either you allow the torment to destroy you merciless,
or shape you into a person deadlier than before.

There is a probability where you might succumb to madness,
but that is something inevitable.
Does it matter?
Madness favors you by casting a shadow over your own vulnerability.

Something more than you can ever ask for.

— Y.H.

delirium,
gentle fervor.

my thoughts are a million
cutting through like blood stained vermilion
i’m feeling so brilliant
the cards are dealt, the rest i’m just filling in

and i see the sun again
burns my eyes and now i feel one again
i’ve won the prize, thank you ladies and gentlemen
brought me so high with your sweet sentiment

cos surely i’m better than
these lazy lowlifes lost in the labyrinth
crawling blind down places you’ve never been
dancing in darkness, it never ends

i’ve got the better friends
i’ve got the love, got places to settle in
i’ve got the fire in the furnace to burn the men
i’ve got the sword and i’m earnest to fight again

with my brand new eyes i can see, see?
yeah i see it better
i change the weather
i change the narrative with each **** letter
i change forever
i change my fate, we are birds of a feather
i back down never
i back myself, yes i am the trendsetter