everyone acts like because I left you
I should just move on
ignore you,
forget about it
as if it's absurd that I ache

that I am not overflowing with joy
to have my life turned upside down

as if I don't have the right to be sad
because I made the choice to go

but going isn't just closing a door,
it's opening windows to feelings that hold you hostage
break your limbs and squeeze your heart

I get angry at myself
telling my heart "we weren't supposed to hurt like this,
this is what you wanted"

leaving someone is just you spending every day trying to figure out how to live without them

You're so **** contagious
With that laugh I love to hear
With that smile that makes me fuzzy
That moment you coughed and made an awkward joke
You put me under a **** spell
Showed me that people like you exist
Proved to me that people can have good intentions
Lifted fear off my chest
You're so **** contagious
Your love is infectious
And I keep getting sicker and sicker

I woke up today like I do any other

trying to come out of a dream that confuses my reality when I first wake up
for a couple of seconds when I open my eyes
I can imagine your still here
I can drag my dream into the sunlight
and make believe that this whole thing was just a nightmare

Anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious you dont need to be anxious its just that she is in a relationship and its not with me anxious anxious anxious I should not be this anxious about something so small and it isn't even real we aren't a thing anxious but I wish we were anxious and she would be willing anxious I just want to kiss someone anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious I wish I wasn't so anxious I wish I was just high anxious so I could forget and chill and feel good anxious **** I hate this anxious I want to cry anxious I should take my meds again anxious what is this the third day anxious

I wish I could tell her anxious I want her to love me back anxious ******* it PLEASE anxious I JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN ******* IT anxious anxious ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS ANXIOUS anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxioous anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious why do I have to be so anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious I still feel anxious anxious anxious anxious anxious

Maybe not so anxious.

THE TITLE OF THIS POEM IS AT THE END.

I feel a fever coming on
Intense heat from my forehead
I'm sweating even though
it's 20 degrees outside
My hands are clammy
My skin is pricked
by a million needles
I want to throw up
I can barely stand
My stomach hurts,
and I feel cold and hot
I'm shaking, trembling
all over.
I can barely move
my lips to speak.
I'm dizzy.
Every bone in my body
aches with the pain
of a million paper cuts.
My heart beats irregularly
slow, fast, slow, fast
I think I might faint.


I went to the doctor.

Turns out,
there's no medicine
for lovesickness.

I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that