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this accidental status, we are all very busy
to be on the lookout for, the odds are not
terrible compared to the lottery, a modest
1 in 300 million, but it’s an easy buy and bust, just a two dollar bill, two lousy singles,
for a legal purchased fantasy that’s
cheaper than a cup of coffee

but finding love is miserable murderous
murmuring mess, can be very expensive, and
exhausting too, physically and mentally,you’re swimming in shallow waters tween razor rocky coral, begging for a slice of your double sized portion of anguish

And yet,
can’t be that hard,
it is a mega billion busyness,
with no cure or satisfactory vaccine,
and the randomness can drive you
mad, make panting to-pack it in,
until your spidey sensnses tingling,
a ketchup and bitter herbs mixture,
and you’re sweating, and it’s 100% anticipation of the well known (!)
unknown risks, this easy
walkway~path in the woods,
leads you on, with marvelous views,
even babbling brooks, till you find
you’ve climbed halfway way up a mountain and to make it to the top,
it’s a rocky boulder strewn,
ankle and heart twisting road that
takes you to the grandest place and plan

oh but, boy,
where the view of the worldscape is only
fantastico, but the only way back down involves throwing yourself into a
quarry pit, full of dangerous chemicals,
that burn scars into your inside parts, invisible wounds so untreatedbly unspeakably bad and incurable
again and again,

and you say stupid things like
I can’t help myself,
what’s a matter daddy,
just want some sugar in my bowl,
and when your neck gets broke,
and it’ll take incredible processing
to just get you to walk again,
and yet
the single
odiferous scent, that amuse bouche on
your lips, and you’ll do it all again for
once monte carlo throw of the dice,
because the odds ain’t that bad,
everbody lives somebody
and given the billions of opportunities walking in just this planet,
even one in a million sounds
pretty good,
even,


very…fair
Inquire of my condition,
"I have an ill heart "shall I retort,
For it fails every single one of my logic,
Over a petty whim,
A dull heart is the cause of my misery I have come to know,
But I hope to not grieve,
And for it to not show.
made,
can’t seem to get that grasp,
of the continuity needed,
the
regular  maintenance schedule
good loving
requires

oh hell, part lazy,  the origin of most of-my
manifest manifold
m a s c u l i n e mistakes, permitting
a dario daily “i love you” to get rust covered
by routinization, poor pronouns and missy pronunciation.,
forgetting that
we us and ours  
are the foundational
cornerstones of the best love theorems
that were poetic uncovered in Ancient Persia,
or were writ in sanskrit

certainly borrowed by the Bard,
and will this
not be numbered in their
midst

gonna reread some Hafiz tonight
when she asks what do you want
to watch tonight, and maybe if
I am feeling gracious I will reannoint
myself a Reader
as well as a
writer of only love poetry

meanwhile accept this scrap as a sacrificial
offering, to be a burnt offering, consumed
entirely after just one reading

with luck
I will be posting
of flood conditions
tonight

a bio hazard
to be relished
or in the guy
parlance

oh  yeah!
jun 29
Heidi Franke Mar 5
I felt it
When I spoke
To the judge,
For my son,
Years of shell work
Encasing fear and sanity, cracked with each glance, falling away. Everyone listening.
I was left lost
Like a snail losing it's shell
Mushy and vulnerable
A Pulpy mess.

Was it enough
That I said
Or too much.
So much was left out
The Russian Roulette admission
The thoughts of jumping 15 floors from his hotel
So many letters making up words and paragraphs upon paragraphs
of 15 years.
Throwing out a gun
Into the city trash.

How could I be anything more than a mother
Who let the saving flatten her out of existence. Incoherence and pulp.
Will it be discarded
All that effort
To keep him alive
At my expense.
Is that what mothers do?
I'll never get to return. Life doesn't
Let you.
Speaking to judge on behalf of mentally ill son's crimes.
nick armbrister Oct 2023
MY LIFE



So now I see life for what it is, a crazy collage of feelings, events and emotions we all endure. Today I saw my mate in Ward 10. Don’t you know that he nearly died as infection gorged his body? They took half of his insides out and he’s hanging in there. I have a truly eventful life – meeting pilots, gothic singers and tattooists. I have tried marriage, promiscuous ***, Class A drugs, reckless driving for that crazy buzz of madness – the wrong way to find happiness. The beauty of a delta wing killing machine floors me, and names like Mirage and Mig lift me to the heavens, for I have lived and seen many things in this **** up called life which now seems to last forever but in reality is only a second. Debbie was my soulmate for a short period; every moment was times by ten, in intense excitement. I know it didn’t last but that’s the way it goes, in the game of life – my life.
from skeward images nick armbrister
xiixxxcix Mar 2015
I like to think that when you left me, you went straight to church. you listened to the sermon, but you couldn't stand up when the congregation sang.
I like to think that someday you'll stop trying to wash my scriptures off your hands with holy water.
I like to think that I'm that old mattress you had when you were ten; you always said it held the same familiarity as falling in love with a stranger.
the mattress' holes from falling asleep with lit cigarettes match up perfectly with my alibi.

I'm not to be trusted. I'm an angry human.
I grew up with broken glass in my lungs and cracked ribs.
something inside me snaps even further when the sun shapes your body into a shadow on my bedroom wall.

I want to redefine the word 'fire' with your name, and light candles with you. I want to make my walls sweat. I want you to burn up my ****** clothes. I want you to set my books ablaze. I want you to realize the hardest part is never letting go, but forgetting you ever had a handle.

you can't be the flame and the wick.
you need to leave me to burn down, like the altar candles in the front of the sanctuary, for everyone to see.

sometimes I think god hates me; I'm just a pawn in his and satan's chess game.
small and insignificant in value - I almost want satan to win.

after all,
if you are fire,
hell will feel like home.

but then I remember that I'm tired of controlled burns and scrubbing your soot off of my hands.

so I like to think that when you left me, you went straight to church. you listened to the sermon, but you couldn't stand up when the congregation sang.

and I like to think that Saint Jude called me out of your blaze, and that I left you there with all of your confessions and your communions in your own personal hell.

either way, it's not my cross to bear anymore.
Lisa Dec 2021
I am the mentally ill daughter of a mentally ill daughter.
This is my birth right.
Along with skin that begs to be picked, bags that drag, and attitude given the name
problem.
Gifted eyes that stay red even after it's been hours.
We have been doomed from the start.
I think we've known this from the start.
Maybe thats why we are so angry.
neth jones Aug 2021
with a throated frog
  i re-digest
    my sickness' exhume

(a thing i did
  when piloting
   a conversation
    most polite)
Jay M Jun 2021
Turning in this day
Turning over in dismay
For here, as I lay,
Comforted in these sheets
A chill turns to a burning blaze
My mind trapped in a dizzying haze

Aching muscle and raspy tone
Weakness cripples every bone
Shallow comes each breath
That escapes my parched lips
To countless others it foretold death
Filmed in countless clips

But, not for I
Not in this day, not this time
Not in this peculiar rhyme
For here I shall not die

To recover
To grow stronger
Prepare for what may come
The war is not yet over
With hope, it won't be much longer
For this great disease we shall overcome.

- Jay M
June 3rd, 2021
I'm fully vaccinated now, but have been experiencing the side effects of the vaccine since last night. I'll be okay by the end of the day, and back to my healthy self.
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