i’ve beaten down and broken
into a million pieces
now i’m here alone
with no cure for my diseases

they’re eating me alive
cell by cell
they’ve forced me to do things
i refuse to tell

now i sit here alone
broken and lost
i’m still feeding my insecurities
when i know the cost

eventually i’ll be gone
nothing but pain
it keeps me awake at night
coursing through my veins

there’s so many scars
i can’t count them all
i’m patiently waiting
for my one last fall

my diseases are incurable
i’ve given up hope
there’s not much of me left
i’m searching for a rope

to end my pain
to end my sorrow
i’m hoping for
a better tomorrow

The only thing that woke me up this morning was the meow of my kitten who wanted to be let in. He wanted to enter my safe space where my feelings and thoughts were pinned to my stark walls. I wanted my walls to be white. Like a blank canvas. I wanted a reason to wake up in the morning. I wanted to paint my thoughts each day. My bed felt like quicksand. I was being forced to stay beneath my sheets by an imaginary pull that I felt was so real. From my bedroom window, I can see the sunset reminding me of nights in our hammock ******* to our favorite tree. The tree drooped in an odd but beautiful way, and it was fascinating. I can also see the sunrise that on early Sunday mornings motivated me to roll out of bed, that was many times ago. The only reason I get out of bed some mornings is that I have high hopes that one day we’ll meet again at the farmers market just down the street. You'll bump into me and realize what we once had was special. You'll realize our love was as sweet as an August peach.

I went home that day, and I wrote about the boy in the green hoodie. I thought a lot about him, but I couldn't wrap my mind around what exactly it was that I liked about him. It could have been the way he danced at midnight in my mind. Dancing around the moon painting pictures of my thoughts. It could have been the way he made me feel when I had no feelings at all. No emotions to untangle, none at all. I think it was the thought of the memories we would create, the ones I could go home to tell mother about. The thing is though I never figured it out. I never knew of any other boys like the one in the green hoodie but, I never once believed it is true that I’d find someone new that was just like you.

Maybe I've been the happiest I can be
Maybe I've lost the one I can love most
Maybe this doesn't bother me
But isn't all this sad at all?

How casually I can keep living
How casually I can always hope
Look to another day, keep waiting
For even better, as though there's more.

But maybe there won't be.
The greatness found is really lost.
Though there may be new adventures
I've been to heaven, and was thrown out.