One. I ask my Dad what day it is, again. Two. I had a nightmare that our block of flats was exploding whilst I ran away, do you think this reflects my fear of the virus, doc? Three. Chocolate porridge at 2pm, maybe its a bit late for porridge. Four. I think I accidentally chucked my propranolol tablets into the bin. Five. I take a bike ride round the village and I get intrusive thoughts about knocking over old people, on purpose, for fun. Six. I’m back to the flat and the ceiling looks like it’s lower than usual, did I grow a few inches? Seven. I can’t remember the last time I saw Emma, must have been when she cried in Wetherspoons, someone crying with you is better than no friend. Eight. My breathing turns shallow I think, I check my symptoms. Nine. I imagine dying of it and look back at my twenty-five years like a montage and get really overwhelmed and then I start to watch an old Mickey Mouse cartoon on my laptop. Ten. I just spotted a really plump pigeon outside. Eleven. Is this how hamsters feel, trapped inside with a few things to stimulate them. If so, I’m so sorry Martin (my old hamster). Twelve. The frustration sets in like thick molasses filling in the grooves of my soft brain. Thirteen. I turn to drawing and just end up sketching a huge mouth swallowing a rat. Fourteen. It’s bedtime and I settle down with a book. American ******. Patrick just killed a dog and it set me off sobbing. Fifteen.  I close my eyes and wish for a better day tomorrow. Is it going to be Tuesday or Wednesday?

I came upon the page and thought to write of who I am and who I was.
I thought it best to explain the things that people saw when they looked my way.
How I came to be what I see in my own reflection.
I gave benefit of doubt that they would or could then have some understanding. Perhaps naivety was my flaw?
The more I wrote the fewer looked.
Is it simply me or the openness that makes it so?
Is it what they see or the not wanting to really know?
Could it be that honesty is a frightening thing?
Am I better off to keep secrets and carry a facade?
Would then perhaps more be interested in who I am?
Would they then have the time to stop a while?
Or is it simply having seen they see no value?
And yet it is that I still need to fill the page...
and to hope someone will see me and stop a while.

i hate these poems
they're all sad
but they always come back home
and i'm a sucker for things that stay

I hope she knows I am sorry
I hope she knows I don't mean the nasty things I have said behind her back
I mean, I'm sure she's great, I mean, I'm sure she's a delight
I mean, I didn't want to have this happen
I am mean

I hope she knows things will get better for her
I hope she knows I don't want her to be alone forever, but this one should be mine
I mean, I'm sure her smile is nice, I mean, I'm sure she has lots of things going for her
I mean, I didn't know I would feel like this
I am mean

I hope she knows I cry at night knowing what I have done
I hope she knows I know I am the worst kind of woman for being this person
I mean, I'm sure her voice is kind, I mean, I'm sure she makes people's day all the time
I mean, I didn't mean to hurt a happy home
I am so mean

Omar Ibn Elkhatab went to visit the blessing land
Where his successor was there

He was honest of this nation
This was the calling by the prophet

Ibn Elgrah was the little men
Who believed in the prophet

The prophet evaluated him
He was so strongest at his thought
He believed in God

He believed that he the only
Who control the all creatures
Who created everything
Who could hurt or get useful
Who made the sun rose

He believed that the prophet will get victory
And beat other opinion
He believed that infidels be at undermost

The believers who were hurt
Asked Mohamad to pray to his God
To get these atheists

They worshipped another god
They worshipped some statues
The begin of statues were from that person
Amro ibn lohie was the first Arabian who worshipped these statues
Who was so ranked an important person
All Arab heard and obeyed
They looked to him as a persuade

As he was so pious
He saw the humans at elsham land
"the blessing land"
Included Syria, Jordon and palatine

He saw them worshipped these statues
He asked,” Why?
They said,' as we asked them to down the rains
They rained "
He asked to give one of them
They gave "Hobal"
Hobal was the first statue
Was put at Mecca
The honor men were irresolute
They final worshipped

Afterword the statue increased
Mecca was filled with statues
Equal to the year's days
Two of them were famous

They called " Ellat and Elozza"
They were woman and man
They loved each other
Their love was so strong
They went to Kaaba
The holy home of the God
They take a chance when the mosque was empty

They entered Kaaba
They did the sin

The anger had prevailed
They converted into statues
Naked as they were born
For the ancient Arab's foolishness
They put one of them at elasafa
The mount where the umrah and hajj Muslims
Walked to it
And Marwa they walked to it
Doing as hager did

Hager was the wife of Abraham
The grandfather of the prophets
He married her
When she had pregnant
And got a child
, his old wife got jealous
So he was ordered to immigrate
He immigrated to the holy land
Mecca

She was so empty
The dessert was so the queen
When his family established
He leaved them
Hager called at
" where do you go?"
She was an old Egyptian princess
Of the elmenia governor
When hexoses occupied Egypt
They took her as a slave
She took a snake as a pet
No one could rap
She was so honorable
And the king of Egypt admired
So he gave her as a gift
Her wife loved her

So they became friends
The respected family had good character
They deal her as free as an honest
Sarah the old wife of Abraham
Advised him to marry
To get his dream child and get his happy
He married and got the child

Hager called at
" where do you go?"
She repeated three times
There were no answers
She asked, "Does your god order?"
He answered with yes
She said," so he will not lose us!"
He went

The food and water was finished
She went to the mount
She had to get food
She looked at right
And ran towards the mountain
It called "Elsafa"
She got over it
She looked towards the valley
Where did the holy home of God exist
She must still believe in God
That upper power prevents every worst
That gives goodness, luxury, blessing,
She learned everything from the prophet
He cultivated the faith in her heart
She gazed at her son
She ran towards him
As he cried a lot
She carried him and rocked
He became so calm
But after some silent
He cried again as the hungry bit him
She stood and ran towards the another amount
It is called
"elmarawa"
She got over it
Looked at the wide valley of the land
To find any one carrying food
Or even carrying water for the drink

She looked again towards the place of the holy home
And looked towards her son
Her heart called her
To get some aid to get him calm
She stood again
As her child cried
She ran towards the mount
Who is called
"Elsafa"
She did it seven times begins with mount
Elsafa
Ended with mount
Elmarwa
She prayed to her God
Every drop of her blood
Every atom, every part
Let the rain of happiness covering the world
Let the seed of love growing so full
And get green and good fruits

Let the day covering every seed
To make the feast appeared
Let the hearts praying one word
Thanks our God

She got up over the mount
Elmarwa
After she looked at the wide valley
After she found no help
After the mind of human thought
That he would fell in destroying
She looked towards the blessing point
Even the devils lied eggs of failure
After the crows got off every pigeons
After the injustice was the announcement of the world
The hope must overflow
She found her son got calm
She thought worst thing had come

Her heart flew her up
She moved with a blink at his leg
The great angel downed
He dug that land
The water flew up

She was so happy
Her kinder got calm
The angel must deal him with happy
She faired that the overflow of water
May destroy every point
No hager, your God is the highness
No Hager, no
Your God knows the fare
She said,"Zam, Zam"
It became zam zam
Muslims when do vesting the holy home
When they do Umrah or hajj
They walked between tow mounts
Elsafa and Marwa , as they get known
They also drank from zam zam
Blessing water


to be continued

Running from the bottom of the empty bottle
Looking at my veins they're opening a portal
See the reflection in million pieces

Painted in red
I'm alone
at the end
This is the time I need you Jesus
But I've gotta feeling he's freezing us.
fixing a broken mirror, it cuts you open
Blowing my candle out but it's still smoking
I feel alone, so I smile
My room is rotten,
I need your attention
I guess it's easier to buy new stuff when old stuff is broken
in the distance we all go the same way
From the birds perspective, behind the raining clouds it overcrowds

I see
first the bouquet
then a display
My portray
Oh look!
Now they pray!
Now they act like rain, on a sunny day.
Remember the church on next Sunday aswell.
Now I see the 50 shades of grey
Now I understand We only feel loved when we're fading away.
Like rainbows, we only feel our existence on a rainy day.
So I walk my path, with a burden filled with more weight
I need a stronger bag
It's hard when you have no defence, but constantly being under attack
You hear them say death fades to white and peace
But here it's all black, stuck in the midnight. Peace ✌️

I need a friend/
Not that mainstream **** were we only pretend/
I'm loosing myself, I need a friend/
These lights goes out, the darkness sorrounds me, I hear a distance whisper within - it feels like the end/I just needed a friend.

This society is giving me headache/ I trust no one, pain is all I know - let me bleed, don't call the medic/
Suicidal escape, give me one reason to stay, and I'll take it!/
Fake love, fake friends, fake dreams, fake it till' you make it/
I hear angel screams/
We lost our path, and everything is not what it seems/

I've been broken hearted/, not this love ****, but before it all started/I'm feeling kinda different, and certainly unloved, misunderstood and unwanted/

I make it all bleed out - drain myself from misery/, not a single drop escapes until this soul is empty/
I need a friend/
Not that mainstream **** were we only pretend/
I'm loosing myself, I need a friend/
These lights goes out, the darkness sorrounds me, I hear a distance whisper within - it feels like the end/I just needed a friend.

Heartfelt cold type of a guy, lost in life
No place in this world for my type, standing on a crossroad, praying hands to the sky. I just need a guide
Enternal thoughts, creating this concrete writer, I got fuel for words, abused enough to start a fire.
I'm hearing distance whispers, numb in my feelings, penetrator of wombs, demons speaking to me through the ceilings.

My tounge with words from deeper than ether
Shadow men, down under - working against the beginning, they wanna' destroy the beginning, so they aiming at the end.
You can call them mates, but you know it's only a pretend - The black man was first on this place.. They took you for friend, you took them for slaves

Do some research, know your ******* place
This world is the dumbest *******, they don't even bother to replace these men, schooling indoctrination must be working well.

Don't you see it's a race against the race
Snowflakes melting, screaming "let's accept more gays!"
**** the biological functions, its a self destructive, non breeding phase.
Trust me, you'll loose if you take the backdoor In a straight forward race.  

Whispering in my ear, EVERYDAY it's getting clearer and clearer
"Tie the robe tighter" aren't you tired of not being able to be your own provider
Trying to keep whats left intact - but I'm a shattered fighter, broken inside out can't remember last I slept, ****!
I don't wish to be the survivor, my luck is out - joker mentality makes my life way harder
Balancing on the edge, looking at his inferno, the same way I'm looking inside my fridge, hungry.. But but no food to taste, not feeling, I'm ****** to the bone pain is temporary, I never understood that term, all my life I had to carry, weight of the world
I see many.. Stupid ******* weak people, they are so many.. I know.. But few working brains controls all the dumb

Dante described hell, but forgot everything is inside yourselves.
We are stuck in the Dark, possessed and doomed to always fall.
Here is life, a gift from god, only a slave will embrace. The catch is no fun, so let them chase.

The Devil is singing my name, I always felt life was a curse and a gift it's all the same
, I don't like surprises, I play my own life like a throw of dices
I smell beasts and burned skin, far away you can feel the winter is coming, they arises, but I have Snow.

Towards shadows, towards pain
deep into the forrest, where no soul is to blame!
No stop of me,  I'll be Like Gump, life is like a box of chocolate, and sometimes you'll get Trump
**** your illusion, not understanding we're all ******* prophets, there is no such thing as coincidences
you are useless, because of the lack of knowledge.. If you are woke, Add a D between use and Less.

inside terror, keeping my eyes away from the mirrors.
God created this life, why all the pain if he is our guide through hard times and internal wars.

I spit on it, and threw it away, and tossed it.. Life is a gift? It's more like poison Turning upside down, I do the Kriss Kross dance - cross
I'm strong, and yet weak in my knees to pray, not to the sky, but the other way, I'm searching for the light in the darkness - Lucifer carries on what I wanted

I just want  everything to turn black, and silently disappear
, feeling this pain coming to an end, darkness within I don't longer have to pretend, I'm Linking all the dots, last walk in the park, nothing else matters
In the end!

Coming thru, cold as ****, nothing but some feelings getting blocked, I eagerly wanna bite the apple, I'm hungry and I'm stucked, I'm in my own prison of Eden, I'm so mental ill, I don't take pills unless it kills, and serpent  fears to be eaten, I'm soulless and Lost, Like George Bush, - look inside the coffin, connect to the sky, wait a minut.. Is that Steve Jobs?
The bite of the apple, it's so crystal clear you all blinded  bought all that expensive hi-tech gear.
Snakes do what it takes.

Living like cancer, I'm not a survivor
Keeping it Blair witch in the woods I see rituals, they call it illuminati, all seeing eye, you can't escape then border between illusion and reality, tri-an-gles, and all seing eye
It's the eye of a tiger. Ask Eldrick, all the money in the world didnt turn the hole in One (Holy one) any brighter.


White privilige, ***. I can't turn any whiter, throw the dirt on my body, Bury me in sandcastles, as if digging was your hobby, do your ******* ****

Got these skeletons inside my closet, playing Marco Polo inside my brain pineal gland, I try to save it, I can't stop it! Your third eye is key, so detox it.

, I'm ready to cut it, the feeling of living a life, that's not worth it, cut it!

I pray to jesus, but then the devil walks in.
I guess only one of them listens and understands
it cuts me inside from my soul to my pride, that's not living life, feels like a dream, so I won't open my eyes, to realize the real me, pin me to the cross, I let me sacrifice. I can't live life with these two eyes.

Yeah depression is keeping me busy and just alive, it's like the heart  and my brain is synchronized,   I'm slowly forgetting, all the things I've been missing, put it on a milkbox, like all the lost souls, which enforce these sources of adrenochrome,


So I walk towards the sun, with my teeth biting my tongue,  I keep my feelings locked , affraid of the scenario where I'm the loaded gun, not affraid,, just a bit paranoid, has these inner dialogs, wait for me, stay away from me.. No, don't leave.. Ahh... ******* RUN! I feel the cold blade playing like a violin on my arm, let me drain until empty Ness embrace my soul, where soil covers my face, and the rotten heart is invited down to his place.

Daddy ain't around, and momma searching for love, I'm attaching to any kind that reminds me of love, just wanna feel warmth like dragons in game of thrones so much cold, and a bit of snow
Mommi ******* told me, she made a mistake the day I was born. I'm spinning around - lost my compass, ah I'm finally gone
looking back, only  smelling burning rotten meat, I hate I ever was born. Hard and soft, I would do anything for love.. Take a short way  to hell where I ******* be-long, I'm finally gone, burning inside out, you really wanna know? OK... Yeah the devil has all your friends and two horns.