burning fear withers in my socket
for when the tea touches your lips
our two worlds then split
everything i thought i knew will vanish
with hopes that when this disconnect
ends
our two pieces replenish

I’d call the drinking a social thing
But lately it’s when I’m most quiet
Please jog my mind for a bell ring
But isn’t our silence most violent?
Fill another dose into the schedule
Until it becomes the next regiment
Fill the void ‘til it hurts when I’m full
Every syllable in an argument

The taste is fun and it feels sweet
It coats a nightmare with a dream
And how I think becomes a story
But pages can be torn to nothing
The future is blank with a purpose
So tell me what the hell comes next
I’ve got less worth, I’m not worthless
But getting dangerously close to it

I can't ask you for the truth
In case you ask me for it too

Living on borrowed time
So I’ll enjoy the view for the moment
I’d love to throw you a lie
But to be optimistic is to be hopeless

lately everything makes me wanna cry
so i'll fix it by going out and getting high
drive straight through 234 like russian roulette
to see if i'll get hit
i need another hit
and one turns into the whole bowl pack
i get dazzled in a daze of technicolor and emoticons
flying through my eyes like doves
i hope the black birds don't come
because i'm superstitious
throw salt over my shoulder
so satan doesn't come near
but what does that do when i have horns too
with a halo hanging on them like ring toss
i don't wanna do drugs anymore
i can hear my liver whimpering in the corner
begging to not get beat
but i use the belt again
and bash my head against the bathroom sink
sometimes i wish i died in my dad's bathroom
when i fainted from my prescription
funny how the legal drugs
almost always **** me
but i wake up alive after altering my mind
funny how peaceful heatstroke is:
losing sight
drifting sound
moving farther away like my ears are
detached from my head
last thing to dissipate is touch
until my fingertips turn blue
funny how burning off my fingerprints
wouldn't remove my identity
because i already wiped it out
with the ganj- and the grass
alternative medicine isn't healing
if it's being abused
and i'm so tired of feeling abused
even three years into the future
demons seeping through the cracks of my walls as i sleep
they haunt my dreams and flip them over into nightmares
but i will always go back to sleep
because i get to escape here but stay here
i want to astral project
and shoot my consciousness into the sky
instead of shooting myself in the head
i want to soar
and pick shooting stars out of the sky
and hold them in my hand with the same warmth as yours
i want to feel body heat on body heat
until i start to sweat and squirm
and you twitch in your sleep
i want to stare at space
instead of into it
when you can see the trauma
hollowing my eyes out
and caving my face in
from bashing it against the bathroom sink
and ripping my hair out
strand by strand
clump by clump
i would cut myself
but there's no spot on my body
concealable for when i feel better
i don't want to be reminded
every day of how i used to feel
because my mind already does that for me
i have good moments
so i tell myself after the bad passes, good will always come again

i am building a brick wall
in front of the mirror
because she's saying that when the bad passes, the good will come again
but what's the point when the bad comes back
an uninvolved father
stopping by every now and then
to use the tv
with the sound off and the static on
dissolving into the couch
like the lysergic odyssey melting on my tongue
absorbed by the grayscale of unhappiness
but i'll never say depression
because i'm scared of going back to therapy
backwards progress is not progress in my head, it's failure
maybe that's why i'm scared to go sober
because i'll always relapse

i take a stroll through a concrete fuzz of grey and gray
it seems so surreal to me to even breathe
i live in a dream where my feet move themselves
as my arms clench onto the bed
grasping sheets that protect me from no ghosts
no shadow people or monsters
because they crawl under them when i cry myself to sleep
i see so many faces
morphing changing
man to woman to someone
i fear recognition
i fear being nobody
the breeze is only temperature
pressure is an illusion
little children prancing through the mildew grass
what is green grass and
what are blue skies
what are happy smiles
when i'm not even frightened to die
spiraling in and out of control
i am a video edited
by my drugs
they insert transitions into my existence
fade effects and pretty overlays
i crave them like candy store kids
i envy them
i want to wear their shell
and experience their lust for growing old
so that i can reverse it
and back this car up into the walgreens
and stumble out with opal eyes
wider than how i spread my thighs
for personalities that are not mine
i want to french kiss a gun
and pull the bullets out with my tongue
and tie the metal into cherry knots
i want to see all the colors
and feel all the love for myself
that i don't have sober
i yearn to create solutions for all my mistakes
and accept that they got me to where i am now
keep pushing
so that the rest of my body moves with my feet
and my soul no longer stays in place

We built a solid foundation
But cracks began to grow
Then the paint wore off
And true colours started to show.

You looked at me
And wanted to see her,
But I wasn’t her
And that was my beauty.