my whole life
I've only ever been
someone's bad habit. 

like stealing drags
behind the library,
or biting broken nails
numb,
I became their drug in choosing.

pretty lips,
and a ***** secret;
a harrowing existence,
meets feverish addiction.

their idea of killing time
was killing me
and this is what I called love.

I guess I have a thing
for
       homicide.

-k.m.

I have a tendency.
A tendency not many think of
yet
they think of it all the time.
A tendency that,
will never die.
Even if it evokes that pain in me
in the blink of an eye.
This tendency festers,
like an infection

that’s
stopping my heart.
This tendency,
makes me feel everything
and nothing
at the exact same time.
This tendency is making me crazy
but
what if crazy wasn’t so bad?
My tendency
makes me hate myself
and love everything about me
for the exact same reason.

This tendency
can ruin my day.
But,
this tendency,
sits like a sack on my back
that I never want to lose.
Because
despite the straps digging into my sides,
this tendency
is why I cherish being alive.
this tendency,
I speak so poorly of
that I don’t want to leave me be
why
this tendency
is that I tend to love
so hopelessly
it’s the scariest part of me.

My mom told me the other day
"I haven't seen the old you since like 6th grade. Do you think she'll ever come back?"

11 years.
It's been 11 years since I've been considered "normal"
11 years since I wanted a future and actually planned on having one
11 years since I didn't feel trapped between being scared to die and not caring if I do
It's been 11 years since I haven't felt the grip of crippling anxiety and the weight of major depression.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. What they don't mention is if it's still possible to break one even if it's been over a decade.

Now I've always thought of bad habits as more of minor things such as biting your nails, swearing too much, or using "umm" as filler words. Can major things be habits too?

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. It's been 11 years and I'm still the same.

It's all a matter of habit
Nails biting
Lips moving
Hands shaking
We can't control what controls us
It is feeling powerless that breaks us inside

It need not be 'and' or 'or',
There's room for both,
And so much more.

Closeted, our life grows staid,
Bound to tracks that habit laid.

We yearn for change, we yearn for 'more',
Yet trawl the paths we've walked before.

At close of day, when darkness calls,
Do we rejoice, or hold remorse?

I lay you on my lips
you burn me
out of breath

I kiss you
intermittently
inhaling
all the satisfaction
I can take

I catch my breath
in between  
till you finish
by signing my lips
with that little
burn
that keeps me
wanting
more