wonder came to my name like fairy dust
like sparkle
like the reflection of christmas lights shining through my grandmother's hospital window
she said i was an angel
it didn't change that she was a sinner
sadness has not left me since
like deep confusion
like taking other people's drugs and still waking up
like the boy that wanted every thing i had
he said my eyes were galaxies
he could never completely figure me out
dark rings around my eyes like jupiter and
smoke rings around my head because she was right
this is my halo
with eyes like galaxies and mouth like tinsel
with hair like sun rays and heart like falling
with a mind that has gotten me far
bruises on my body like kisses and
scars on my legs because he was right
this is my galaxy
with eyes like oblivion and mouth like wisdom
with hair like comfort and being like extraterrestrial
with a mind has gotten me far

O, Mammy if you'd met her
She'd take your breath away;
There's peace in her demeanor,
There's joy in her at play.
There's affection in her movements,
She's you in many ways.

Her eyes are lighthouse beacons,
Her skin is sculpted clay;
Her little hands seize my heart
With vice-like claws of love;
Oh, Mammy
Do watch over her
As you watched over us.

The months were passing
As my doubts growing
Higher and higher.
I was thinking that
She was just a summer fling,
That we were just mad
At each other,
That we will eventually
Get back together.

Anyway,
My doubts carried on
Until the merry merry day
I saw my grandmother's ring
Around her finger.
And I knew we were pretty much over.


F.Z.**N

O grandmother,
though we are Pakeha you had great mana.
You lived close to that taciturn volcano, One Tree Hill,
and its scoria scars were like the lines on your face,
etched out by the evolution of that city.
And, grandmother, you remembered the beginning of the cycle
with the lucid vision you could not afford on the recent past.
I always wanted to tell you that I loved you, grandmother,
with a sincerity you would feel long after you passed
through the gates of heaven.
To tell you that when I was a child,
I believed you would be here always,
but then I listened closely to the silence between your words
and I knew you were weary of this world.
You were the last bridge
connecting us with a pioneer century
and I feared we would lose ourselves if ever we lost you,
but we never did
for in our children and in our children’s children
we will see the face of Ruby, the dark-haired girl.

I don't know
where she is
or where She is
as my grandmother
peers out the window
into the heavenly
landscape of her garden
two white butterflies dance
mirroring the light *****
of the others wings.
breathless
my grandmother’s eyes turn misty
hand on her heart
grasping my fingers into knots
her voice clipped
there they are,
and she clutches onto me
as the sisters whirl themselves
around the ashen and lilies

There is a snack size container of peanut butter sitting in the pantry
And I'm sitting across the room but I can feel it's weight as acutely as my own
I checked the package three times, hoping the numbers would change when i returned
282
282
282 calories
I'm having a panic attack over a snack because the one thing I crave more than anything else in the world is the sticky, nutty taste of JIF brand peanut butter of which I am undeserving

My grandmother loved peanut butter
So much that they had to hide it from her if they wanted any hope of a satisfactory sandwich
My mom hid food too
Stole it like kiss after kiss
Sneaking cookies from the houses where she babysat
Getting crumbs on her swelling chest in the dark embrace of her teenage bedroom
A buffet for one
And now I'm in my grandmothers house
Hoping that there's peanut butter in heaven
Because here there's just photographs and the lingering scent of her Chanel number 5 perfume

Like mother, like daughter, like granddaughter they say
You can trace my family line as easily as the stretch marks that litter our bodies
But I am breaking the cycle by falling into my own
I have learned that hunger pangs are better than the climbing figures on the scale
So I lift a glass of water to my lips
And I leave the peanut butter in the pantry so no one will ever have to hide food from me

My Granny died today,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
So I began to pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
I've wept and wept all day,
So I began to pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
My rock has gone astray,
I've wept and wept all day,
So I began to pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
Her soul has gone to play,
My rock has gone astray,
I've wept and wept all day,
So I began to pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
So I bought her a bouquet,
Her soul has gone to play,
My rock has gone astray,
I've wept and wept all day,
So I began to pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
In the ground she'll lay,
So I bought her a bouquet,
Her soul has gone to play,
My rock has gone astray,
I've wept and wept all day,
So I began pray,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

My Granny died today,
I don't know what to say,
My Granny died today.

sprinklings of soft flour
scattered upon teal green kitchen tiles
well wishings and moving chairs
make soft background noises
I look up at the deep red of your apron
the business suit of the old fashioned woman
you pick me up and place me on the tiles
Usually cold, they're warm in the kitchen's heat
I smile as I draw a tree through the flour
you look down on me and laugh
such warmth and happiness in your smile
that split second of attention, all I needed,
to progress through the cinnamon smelling household
on a day perfect for lying.