And then we weren’t.

I learned more about you in our ending than I did in those two years

One minute you were my  Heathcliff.
The man that I had looked for all of my life.
The next, a paltry reproduction. All of your pretty words dispersing like the death of a Tempe dust storm.

I will make peace with never understanding.
I will cease longing for something that never was.
I will heal

But I will always wish that I didn’t have to.

I will not stand by while abuse happens
six months of cyclical hell
the push and pull of your desire
insatiate

this issue has never been singular
confined to some imaginary private space
in the public view of us all
using your circumstances to justify
the victimisation of another
to the point of collapse

the coloniser builds a fort
because they're afraid
of their own violent mirror-image
projected into the landscape

do you recognise
yours?

I know what I said;
I know what I did.
Here you are claiming
It never happened.
I know how you are;
I know your routine.
Here you are claiming
You're not any different.
Here I am, alone,
In my perception.
Am I crazy,
Or just a victim of clever deception?

I wish that the first time I spoke to you,
I had one hand wrapped around the leather strap
tethered to my dog's collar,
instead of leaving her home to worry
and allowing my hands the
freedom to tear myself apart in
front of you
because finally tearing myself down
felt like a wonderful thing to do.

I wish I'd had her with me
because she has always been
the one more likely to trust her gut
and warn people like you to stay away.

I wish I'd had her with me,
because I know that she would not
have let you take a single step towards me
even if I wanted to let you close.

I still remember the way you would
sweat nervously
at the thought of my hanging around with
my friends who did not like you.
If you were so worried about them,
I am sure you would have been all the more
terrified of her.
Not because she would bite you,
not because she is dangerous.
But because she is not fooled as easily as me.
She would have sensed the danger,
pulling me farther away
than was comfortable for you to imagine.

I say this not to be cruel,
but rather to speak out loud
a thought which has
fluttered through my mind all day,
the corners of my lips curved
in my own quiet amusement.

My dog wouldn't have liked you very much.

Gaslight
Deanna Sabou

My sanity was denied when I remained truthful,
And so was my intelligence.
The scars wreak havoc on my body in endlessness.
The bruises were difficult to hide, and so were the tears;
My identity withered away and all that was left were my fears.
The mirror on my wall could not recognize the pale skeletal image,
Because she was so far away and the once golden girl was now conquering a deep scrimmage.
Against all odds, in the end I won;
The roses finally grew from my thorns, and my future has just begun.
For now, you are locked in your own isolated cell;
My scars have recovered and I now wish you well.
You being embarrassed of yourself was quite the rare site,
But now I finally took your opportunity, to ignite the gaslight.

You never existed,
we were not alive, i wasn’t
my mind froze when you asked,
I wasn't myself,
I lost it all in the drape you put over my heart,
a half-beaten down animal,
i was trained and trained myself too,
i covered up my mouth
desperately tried to please the eternally void —

emotion
that was the catch,
i had so much to say,
but the latch i made myself, took away everything,
all that made me smile —
you never made me smile,
and nothing i tried was full or right or
splendid

average,
my eyes lit up for a darkness
crept into my bones
took me aback,
i didn’t think that light could be drained
by a black hole  
you told me so, and i believed it —

what were we ever?
i, a soundboard for your misery,
you, a reflection of my own self-doubt,
i never loved you,
but you never loved.