"My mind is everywhere right now.. [it] isn't focused on one thing when I have so much going on right now"

I know deeply. I know best, outside of it all. Trust me, it pains me every day.

From the sweet messages to our time together, there is an emptiness I can literally see. In you, between us: I can feel your pain, I can literally feel it, like it's filling my veins. I do truly feel it all.

It's never not on my mind, the struggles you go through.

The pain you feel.. I felt yours, while I still have my own. I embrace you, not knowing how or why, but as if it were the only thing I knew to do; like it was alwasy meant to be, meant for you; to be calm, to give you a place of reprieve.

Even if just for a moment I could give you some sense of peace, or even joy, I could know you will be okay. To see you smile, to hear your laughter, but in spite?.. I know, everything will be okay.

But until that moment, until a time when the dust settles and some sense of normality or goodness can be had without the sense of dread burning down the lines that keep one's bridges safe and secure, I can never be truly satisfied, or content, or even happy, on my own. Not that I would be incapable, but I would not choose to feel that without knowing you do too.

I would not leave you behind, I would not set you aside, I will never ignore you. Because, I've seen your soul; I've touched your aura, I know your kindness, and to watch an angel burn like that instills this rattling pain that resonates through me, entirely. It hurts, more than anything I've known before. It hurts me to know you're struggling; the indecisiveness and foggy mind..

In secret places you still remember, I know it whispers to you softly, all the things you wish you never had to know; and it breaks my heart over and over to know yours could ever be so broken right now, too..

I'm am utterly abashed
I so badly want to be filled with fury
but I cannot
as you always
and forever
will be my sweet evanescent orange
not yellow
even though some may think
because yellow is simple
easy some might even say
orange is rough and allusive
it is filled with a desire so pure
hidden between many layers of said skin
passionate
intense
stubborn
but also soft
and dulcet
not pliable in any way shape or form

Orange queries
she asks
"why"
why?
because I fell in love with you
and then I fell in love with life
before it was dull
to mask the bitter
but citrus is not bitter,
even out of season
it is bittersweet.

So I pray you won't break your promise a second time
because this time
I cannot follow you
because now I find myself relishing the bittersweet of life that rests on my tongue.

With, or without your grace.

I knew it was bad when my fingernails were ringed
with red
as I ran them over ribbons and excused myself
from confetti cake to make them
redder.

my head was burning
a sparkling candle burning
my hands were yearning
a spazzing sticking yearning

my family was singing
a muffled stifling singing
my ears were ringing
a loud ear-piercing ringing

sing
ring
sting
stop stop stop my scalp is stinging

Nothing was clear until my fingernails
were red
and coated with pieces of my head:
rubbed raw and picked clean
You’re telling me
this is something you haven’t seen?

It doesn’t make sense because:
I don’t put pencils in a perfect pristine line
I don’t count my cheerios before I can dine
I can turn the lights on and off just fine
but my fingernails
are red
and apparently that’s a sign.


I can tell you where
every single pinprick lives
and spreads fire down my scalp
into my brain
How it tells me
your math homework can wait
save me
or you’ll go insane

My nails are short
but still red
My brain is intact
but still missing its head

Oh, how I could See the Disorder in a
demented disturbed decision
to forfeit my favorite vanilla cake
for blood

stop stop stop, i’m begging you, brain

you can’t stop; you know you need pain
leave me alone, and you’ll go insane.

Endless questions I have for the one whos ways are higher than that of mankind,

But only one amongst many stands out and never ceases to torment my mind.

Why oh why did you feel the need to stain suffering with the world you designed?