Thoughts become unspeakable
Mind plays tricks
Scared and confused am I
Why am I like this

Dazed and depressed
Alone and afraid
Who deserves this
No one

Words are meaningless
The actions don't add up
Sealed. Locked. Closed.
My heart will become

Trust is foreign
Alone is normal
I lock myself away

c.m.l.

What hurts most of all is I’m disappointing,
A disappointment,
That is I really am.

For a decade I’ve been trying to change it;
Wear the faces,
Because what you want is masks.

Covered up,
And hidden in plain sight;
Paradotic oxymoron.

More days keep coming in your daylight,
Manipulate
And make
Me foreign.

Falling snow speaks in
An unknown foreign language;
Winter exiled us!

a box
packed lovingly
from a mother
to a son
far away
in another land
he doesn't know

the contents wholesome,
inspected still
once, twice, a thousand times

before it even ships

a box
packed lovingly
from a mother
hoping it will reach her son
far away
in another land
she doesn't know

Your mouth fumbles
When you call me baby
The word is foreign.
You are afraid.
A mouse caught in the gaze of a snake.
Will it slice your tongue if you say it too hard?
Or too soft?

It rolls up your throat
Pushes past your teeth with great strength
Awkward and sounding slightly out of breath
You mumble it between "hey' and "how are you"
Squished and small
Like it doesn't deserve recognition or even its own space.

You've wrapped it in fear
Hoping that if you say it nicely
Maybe somehow it will be less like a missile
Maybe this time it won't hurt.

It is exotic to that mouth of yours.
A rare commodity,
A precious rock we have to excavate
Our own romantic version of the sword in the stone

I will miss the quiet, selfish nights,
spent among books and TV and music.
I will miss missing home
while feeling at home
in a foreign country.
I will miss my time being my own
to split between friendships, travel, or nothing.
I will miss the feeling of my own body,
free from the dirt of past indiscretions.
Free to be myself,
foreign though I may be.