I’m used to spending holidays
In the company of friends and lovers
The other day there was no other
Not even a hint of my little brother

I stood in a crowd of perfect strangers

Alone.

The sky was filled with twinkling lights.
All around the booms resounded.
People laughed and time slipped past.
I settled in

To watch,
To listen,
To taste,
To touch...

Inside my mind, I missed her touch,
Her laugh,
Her warmth,
Her smile,
Her love...

There on the trail beside the lake
I tasted all the happy sounds;
The scent of charcoal, blackened meat
The laughs of children, light of feet

Flowers bloomed in the fading sky.
Waves rolled easy on the sandy shore.
The moon rose high to greet the night.
While the stars lay hidden…twinkling.

All caught up in the sights and sounds
I pondered there for quite awhile
Behind these eyes the thoughts did fly
I cannot lie, I wanted more…

…To feel the sand between my toes,
Her hand in mine,
Our thoughts entwined.
To linger on that pleasant shore
And share our time forevermore.

But the past takes flight and now it’s gone.
Daylight drives away the night.
The sun shines bright;
My thoughts are light.
The blues have flown
With the red and white.

She was there.

7:25pm

I'm out with some friends., we find a spot on a hill, I know some of the people, I don't know some of the people.

I'm there having a good time. Trying to make conversation, not seeming like a complete loner loser.

I make due with what social skills I have left.

10:45pm

The fireworks have started, sparks of colour fill the sky and loud exploding noises fill my ears.

It's so dark out.
I watched the sunset not too long ago...

The sounds, the exploding bursts of shimmer and shine.

The fireworks are so vibrant, so alive...
I don't feel scared to die right now...

Maybe I should, but I don't.

11:30pm

I found my car and the parking lot is filled with people trying to get out. I grab a map and sit on the trunk of my car as I wait for an opening.

The night is calm if you don't pay mind to the drivers.
And I don't, I just stare at the map, searching for a way home.

12:30am

I made it home about 10 minutes ago and I'm not tired yet.
I make myself a cup of hot chocolate and sit at my computer watching episodes of an old sitcom from a time I didn't live in.

2:00am

I'm here.
Lying in my bed, next to nothing and no one.
It was only hours ago that I didn't feel so scared.
And now I'm here.

She wasn't there was she?
She couldn't have been...
If she was, I couldn't possibly have...

She was there.*

She was.

Our paths just missed each other.
Never crossing.

Just hours ago, I was watching fireworks.

And now I'm here.

Watching the darkness.

The smoke that rose
It's grey to orange bloom
Throwing ash to the air
Bugs dance like ghosts with
Burning bodies darting while
Posing the threat of eating what
Happens to be the flesh on which they land
Pulsing as it was in London
All that now matters is housed
We peak through the windows
Thunderous fog rolls along the harbour
Gutters running over stocked by
Spilt beer and glitter
A girl who lost her shoe unaware
She's leaving her friends to drag
Half-crawling to the stadium
Combing lawns for misplaced cigarettes
Snapping food into her belly
Three more times the bell shouts
And even the sky of fire
Has found it's way off the streets

One night when I was eighteen
I was drunk on beers and East end accents
in a Basildon garden lighting fireworks.

I seared my thumb
on the base of a sparked *******
which careened into the fence and dried grass,
igniting in deep welted pain
and a smallish fence fire.

Inside my skin sits once again the same ache
ignited by a spark you nurtured,
which burned us both down,
as beautiful and unruly as the rogue firework and the flames.

Leaden feet
Soul heavy
Constriction wracks my chest
Eyesight fading out at best

Every step
Burdens me
Drowing out my screams
They don't know what i mean

Cold are we
Faceless sea
The crowd is sundered
With a sound of thunder

Chemical feeling
Rising faster
Black metal plating
Hidden by color

Nausea knowlage
Turning over
Sterile and voiceless
Overpowered

The second freezes and the door explodes
One or two to every home
The crowd plays on
A silver show
And all of mine
are on their own

Masqurade
The masks are on
Every sillable
of every song
The Loss of feeling
I have no doubt
And they are carried off

A few rounds pop off
The music stops
For a split second order holds everyone still as stone
Then my life is taken before my naked eyes
And I wake up here, alone, surrounded by the flock


My heart has been torn from my chest
God give me strength

and the boy drew a line
with his stubby hands,
feeling the roughness
of the pavement.

and it is his stubbornness,
when his name is called,
he doesn't look back
pretending not to hear.

with dirt on his hands
he watches the sparks slither
into smoke through his mouth
to taste something ominously sweet.

24 March 2017

In learning we don't have to always share a bed with fear,
it's those flashes of chance that bring out our poetry:
when we abruptly trip over the words we hastily collect
to sound off a feeling so explosive, that
even when it's mumbled with restraint,
it still sounds like fireworks.
and I wish I knew just how your stare looked
when you'd find the moment to strike your match,
and ignite whatever you've readied yourself to say,
but smothered the flame out of worry that you never could.
Just so you could know that you don't have to sleep tonight
with the fear that I'd never want to hear your poetry—
I love the sound of fireworks
when they're coming from your mouth.

Boom.

That's the sound I hear when I squeeze my eyes shut
And clamp my hands over my ears.

Boom.

It sounds like fireworks.
The kind that surge into the air, disappear for a short moment,
Before exploding into a million pixels of luminance
With a loud and vibrant

Boom.*

Gingerly, I remove my hands from my head
Listening to the pitter-patter against my window
Watching the white flash of—

I squeeze my eyes shut, head lowering, hands tight against my ears, knees close to my chest, eyes shut, hands tight against my ears, breathing paused, heart pounding.

A low *grumble.

I open my eyes, hands still against my ears.
The sky is very black.
Some fears
Leave a scar too deep
To be overcome
No matter how many lies you tell yourself.