Don’t you know I love you so much. I don't know who I am or what to do without you. I need you like a fish needs water or a horse needs the wide open fields.
How could you not love me anymore? You said you'd love me forever? Did you lie? Are you going to love someone else as you've loved me? A person who is not me? I feel like I want to die but don't know how to get there. Is this what you wanted? Are you proud of yourself? How could you not let me in? How could you talk about this with your entire family and not me? What do they know? That I don't? Is my love for you not enough to keep you?
Was forever a lie? Am I not enough? Who am I? Who are you? We're all those years worthless? How can you not love me?
Was begging you/screaming at you to love me not humiliating enough? I never thought I would beg someone let alone my person to love me, to want me, to need me, to be with me, to laugh with me, to run into forever with me.
How could you? How could you leave me behind, did you think everything was going to be fine? Do you care? Do you care that I'm dying, wasting away to nothing, like feathers in the wind, like dust in the sun.
What will you do when I am gone? Thinking your way into oblivion. Repeatedly saying you don't know if love, the innate feelings are there. What does that mean? In a blip in a flash everything has vanished. I just want you to love me, is that too much to ask? How tragic this question that is circling round and round in my brain. I feel like I'm going to fall through space and time into a black hole. But this would be less crushing then what you are doing to me
I want to scream until my lungs bleed until my eyes melt until I am crawling out of my skin. I didn't know pain could feel like this, I didn't know emotions could be this way, I didn't know you could do this to me. No one could besides you.
Are you enjoying this? Are you gallivanting along with your family, are you proud of yourself? Our lives, my life is ruined, in shambles, in tatters. Will you hold this up as a triumph and show those in the crowd.
Will you move on as if nothing happened, unchanged, stoic, ever the logical one, cold, unfeeling, unmoving...while I pound my fists until blood runs down you like stone.
But one day I will die and so will you. You are the only one for me, so I hope that day comes soon
Did I look away and you turned into one of your machines? Do you love machines more than you loved me? Did you love me at all?
Will you make a life with someone else? Tell her all the things we held dear? Will you hold her close, love her more the you loved me? Will you have a family? Build a life? Make all the memories I thought were mine, were ours, were us.
Do you hold your family above me? I didn’t realize we were competing? Was I always second best? Was I always behind? Did I use up all the alotted tick marks? Did my time run out? Were you always looking at the clock and I didn’t know we were racing?
Did you view me as you viewed your swimming career? Up and down and up and down, breath hold, hold it all in, explosion? Completion? A win?
I didn’t know we were on a timeline, were we always racing towards something? Were we not enjoying our lives, our time, our love? Were you not enjoying the journey with me? Were you not in the moment, did you not enjoy just being, just existing, just loving. Just loving me, loving us, loving each other.
Am I in a stagnant state now? Waiting for you to decide to love me, to come back to me, to be with me? Am I a robot that you will turn on if you decide to come back? Or a piece of scrap metal on the factory floor? What do you mean you don’t know how you’ll feel in a couple months? Am I waiting for your love if it ever existed at all. How could you not want me, how could you not pick me? I thought we were stronger than this? I thought we had everything? I thought we had forever. But I guess we had nothing at all
How pathetic am I? How idiotic? How stupid! Waiting like an animal, like a ****** who wants its next fix? Next high? Waiting for your voice, for your call, just to make it through the day, the minute the second. Do they call it chasing the dragon? Chasing chasing chasing … the dragon, until it, until you, turn around and burn me alive? If you turn around at all.
But it’s worse if you don’t turn, if you don’t turn I’ll be left in the dark, alone, in the cold, just to fall, fall, fall into the abyss
I need to be burned, I need to be burned away, burned away to nothing.
Which is how you got rid of me, you got rid of me like it was nothing, we were nothing, I was nothing
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to yell, I want you to come back, come back, come back, come back to me! I want to hold you, I want to dig myself inside of you, I want you to never let me go. How could you leave me? How could you turn away? Am I nothing? Who am I? Who are you? Who are we?
Who was I? Who were you? What were we?
Just a childhood memory?
Were we ever us?
I thought we had eternity
I Love You
Did you love me too?
Context
Based off a relationship between two people who met in childhood, reconnected in early 20s. They went through major life events including beginnings of grad school etc. The ten year relationship was mostly distance with plans to figure things out along the way.
