I Have Loved
All the same and very different, I have loved.

Cocoa crescendo falling in curls. yellow hibiscus. Her face inspiring Gaia.  I grazed across far-reaching hips and dreamt them, as wide and beautiful her heart I broke.
I have loved ruthlessly.

Clammy, moist, latte flesh juxtaposed with misplaced contention, clutching his phone, clutching his fist in my belly, in my hand.
I have loved painfully.

Keen wit, quiet lips, silk and skin and video games. 20 minute car rides. A tongue across my spine, laughter, distance of his heart.
I have loved haphazardly.

Three hundred faces, unspoken sentiment, inactive resonance, a child, a man, a mother, a friend.
I love quietly.

All the same and very different, I have loved.

Will I again?

She is the last cigarette in a crumpled pack
that you have lost,
and now you have found.
I pull out my lighter
and put the cigarette to my lips.
My hand trembles, the lighter slipping through my grasp.
There’s smoke spreading across the fresh air,
billowing from another smoker’s cigarette.
I smell it.
The smoke engulfs my lungs.
I refuse to cough and I breathe in deep.
My knees begin to bend and I sit down,
on the curb.
But,
I lose my balance,
stumbling,
as though I had the laces on my tennis shoes
tangled,
warped,
an imperfect figure eight,
a dog flap for a rabbit’s ear.

Once I loved a pretty girl
But she don’t live round here no more
Ventured out into the world
To keep her pride and settle scores

I remember brighter days
Full of song and open seas
Then mid-September’s chill gave way
We can’t refuse our destiny

Seasons changed – feelings, too
Suddenly she’s out of touch
Portraits of our dream won’t do
Now as I paint, I lick the brush

After hours at the bar
Chewing fat and catching eyes
Often wonder where you are
Or if that’s you dressed in disguise

Once I loved another girl
But not the same one as before
Like a clam without a pearl
She was a shell without a core

I tried to help; I gave her love
Favors, ***, and cash to burn
Everything I could think of!
And asked for nothing in return

Then I fell into a hole –
Funny how these things turn out –
In need of but a gentle soul
To lift me up above the clouds

But when I asked for her to care
To show the warmth of open arms
She offered nothing but a stare
And only time could break her guard

Once I healed a broken heart
Brought about by foolish charm
Gave it my all right from the start
Unraveled like a ball of yarn

Days went by and turned to months
Drawing close to my twine’s end
So I sought out familiar fronts
To seek the love of kin & friends

My heart grew warm and full of joy
I leaped with faith and did good deeds
My shaded past would not destroy
The man that only I could be

The months grew closer to next year
As one by one I placed the stones
That built the path to facing fear
And taking on the world alone

Once I triumphed over evil
Choked the devil til he died
Oh, he’ll be back, there’s no doubt he will
But never more shall steal my pride

Once I learned that Love is Evil
Now she’s back to claim her prize
But I won’t let my heart be refilled
Without the whole piece of the pie

He's embarrassed
His ears are always flustered when he is so

He laughed
Reminded me of the time passed
Yet he looked happier today
I can't be happier

Shouldn't bother
Yet memories linger
Although hopes fade
And expectations are forgotten
Care chose to stay

I shouldn't bother

They saw each other,
And ignored the past,
Speaking like it never happened,
Pretending to be friends till the last,
Suppressed emotions,
Hurt and guilt and desire,
Perceivable tension,
And hearts were on fire,
Each one was aware,
Moving on was a pretense,
Far from being separated,
But never together again.

Simple attraction, you make it seem.
What exactly draws you in so deep?
Is it the way their words get lost in your mind?
Is it the way they make you feel alive?
That euphoric, never fading feeling after they depart.

The way every feeling consumes you when they're near.
The way they make your world spin, you can't get enough.
Push through all the odds, just to feel some luck.
You're made to feel dangerous, you love the rush.

Gives chills down your spine,
Cold to the bone,
Heart made of stone,
but this isn't complex you say?

Imagine looking into a mirror,
do you see yourself,
or see them looking back at you,
staring eye-to-eye
tension holds inside you,
concealing your real feelings to feel them over your skin again.

Shared experiences is what ties us together until the end of our lives,
Somewhere you remain in the empty cracks of my mind..
Often walked over when in mid conversation,
Once loving memories that now store as unimportant information.

To Bailey, I know you as a baby blue in the way you were just a boy, but loved me more than any man could.  I thank you for giving me high standards of men, but now I am disappointed with everyone who doesn't love me as much as you.

To Sean, I know you as a navy blue, which is the starting color of a mood ring, you are always changing and each time getting more mysterious.  I thank for teaching me a basic crush and helping me learn it is okay to just be friends.  You were the first guy I was infactuated in.

To Austin, I know you as brown, your life was ***** and so were your grades, I was your maid.  You were more like a project and you treated me like the way you treated grades; a joke.  Thank you because I've blocked out everything good about you and can now only see your hand gliding across my face, from you I learned how to forgive without revenege.

To Parks. I know you as a traffic cone orange, simply saying WARNING: I AM TOXIC.  You were an outcast around me, but attempted to be someone you weren't around others.  I don't thank you for anything, you scarred me and I haven't been the same since you got what you wanted and told everyone I was lesbian when I realized you weren't what I wanted.  

To Jack, I know you as a cloudy, soft gray, you aren't always sad,  but you're not exactly happy either.  You taught me it was okay to be out of the norm and doing that won't crush my mom.  I thank you for realizing that love doesn't have to come out of the good times.  The bad parts sometimes give you the best people.

To Chandler, I know you as silver liquid, it took you no time to fill my veins and make me feel wanted.  Thank you for teaching me that if a guy is as smooth as you,  he doesn't really want me.  You gave me my first high school embarassment.  Cause of you, everyone calls me when they need a fix.

To Nate, I know you as a dark green, your opinion on me floated around like wind through the trees.  You wanted me life to be over and tried everything you could to ruin it.  Thank you for teaching me it is okay to be talked about because now you come over everyday and ask for me back.

To Jonah, I know you as a midnight black, the color I see when I look at memories.  I threw you away, just like you threw away my effort.  Your kind aren't made for girls like me, thank you for informing me.