i've been running from the truth
running up an empty staircase
yet somehow i keep spiraling down

i've been searching for love
for a droplet of whatever is left
a symbol of hope to answer my prayers

if i reach the top of these stairs
having finally escaped truth's poena
will you be there waiting for me?

or will it be deja vu, another infinite loop
of my heart drowning in deep waters
as you stand there, watching with a smile

my heart hesitates but my steps are steady
i run from no truth, i already know the truth
things are meant to fall apart

and every time, it is the same
and every time, i am always powerless
just a mere bystander to my own downfall

I didn’t plan it
Still a thought emerged
The seas opened
And the skies roared
The ship rocked
And an island emerged
An invite was extended
Making acceptance more tempting
Wonder if you would be mad
Confused, angry or sad
Impulsive it may be
But chronic it always was
Sometimes it’s probably easier to give in
A painless route, an undemanding path
Just need to turn the steering wheel fast  
Yet, I want a link to you
You are my invisible life vest
My anchor when the sea is violent
However, I fear that one day I’ll break free
I dread one day I’ll leave you behind and
I guess that’s what’s makes it interesting.
I'm anxious of my will to escape
My temptation to run far far away
I guess I'll just hold on tight for now
And pray for a silver lining to make its way somehow

cannot sleep
cannot escape
the dreams i have
is keeping me awake

what was
might not always be
what is
never enough to set me free
what more
do i have to see?

after all that's said and done
back to the same spot
have i always been wrong?
at least let me breathe
reset life reset me
but not the same ****
over and over again

wisdom with age is unfathomable
thoughts escape the psyche
words become dull
what's unknown
is what triggers fear
thinking can change everything
cleaning the wounds of yesterday
but with age the jagged day no longer breaks the skin
as cells die and life escapes the lungs
one can rot away happily
forgive the urges of imbalance
thoughts become less bold
they hurt less as the minutes tick
eternal clock nears its last hour
the last breathe is always untroubled
final acts are supposed to break the struggle

Oh, you swamp me with charm - get out of my head.
There’s something about you - a warmth - like the comfort of home - that pulls at me.

I study your landscape of attractive surfaces like a star chart - logging my weaknesses - to strengthen my emotional firewall. I WANT you but my “wants” just seem untrustworthy after recent deprivations.

To be honest - I can’t afford you - not now. You’re a delicious pastry - with strings - and I need to cut all my strings.

You’re something younger me would have wanted - before the pandemic, when scandalous thinking was uncomplicated and freedoms taken for granted.

Last year simplified my reality.

Over time, boredom melted me like wax but a new me crossed some threshold of certainty - that to flourish - no, just to survive - I must become more than I am, or find I’m less than I hoped.

In 2019 goals seemed way, way someday things - far off reference points to seek out - like an inchworm. Social details occupied me like an unfocused dementia - there was an unacceptable level of childish thinking.

But now I’m an escapee on the run who won’t be taken back alive. Old attachments must be stripped down and the old world made disposable - if I’m to achieve escape velocity.

Some kids hide in attics
some in the wooden shed outside
a hide away,
away from trouble  
and leave the world aside

but when I was younger
I’d hide up on the roof
leaving them below to wonder
“Where’d he go, just ****!”

but, “I’m just here, aunt Molly!”
here at the top, way up high
pretending I had wings
and a little closer to the sky

peering down on people passing
writing poetry on the roof
watching the world below me changing
still high and still aloof

till that day I come down wondering
where’d all the people go?
now that I’m much the more older
I’d really like to know