#ed poems on Hello Poetry

Lowercase Dec 2015

2015

I’m overwhelmed
(but that’s nothing new)
only this time by
a strange desire to burst into laughter
half-delighted and half-hysterical
This holiday season,
December is a gift
and one I didn’t think I’d get.
Sweat, blood and tears, baby
Waking up soaked at 4 AM
and once or twice screaming
******* sticky red
my throat raw from the dig of my nails
Because I’ll feel better after I puke.
All that oh-so-dignified naked crying
because you know nothing says fighter
like slumped over in a ***** shower.
But here I am;
Happy New Year, me.

#suicide #poem #depression #thoughts #ed

Allyson Walsh Nov 2015

Grand Likeness

I see myself in her...

Back when I was made of ice,
Every slice and bite precise.
Grandmother's collarbones like
Soft skin cut by knives; birdlike.

I see myself in her...

The treadmill is her best friend.
Against herself, she contends,
Stuck in a world of pretend.
Her own skeleton: her friend.

I see myself in her...

Grandmother chilled to the bone.
Present summertime unknown.
She's carving her own tombstone,
Out of her sharp hipbones.

I see myself in her...

Was that how they looked at me?
With confusion and worry?
Was I the storm on the sea?
Or the dark depths underneath?

For my grandmother and myself

I'm sorry I can't save you.
I'm sorry she whispers in your ear 24/7... and you listen to her.
I'm sorry.

#love #pain #eating #disorder #hurt #ana #tw #ed

Allyson Walsh Nov 2015

Th(anxious)giving

Afraid to drive north;
Highway leading home.
To my mother's porch,
Food I can't ignore.

This time late last year -
Planning for the flood.
The torrent of tears,
My throat red with blood.

Attempting to hide
My light-headed days.
Mother mortified
Of my dark gray haze.

The carpet soaked through;
Salty tears the cause.
The growth of mildew,
Over my clenched jaws.

Fearful to return
After the downpour.
A second downturn
Leading toward the war.

For myself

#eating #disorder #tw #ed #trigger

Allyson Walsh Nov 2015

Rec(over)y

I am stuck;
Even in a world of "body positivity".
Continue to be lost
In my nit-picky ways.

Overcritical of
The "beautiful" rolls of my belly.
Picking at
The "lovely" flesh of my thighs.

Recovery should
Be a walk in the park.
The walk where I
Stop and smell the roses.

But it's a tiptoe
Through my every fear.

A crinkled face...
At every turn.
A piercing voice...
Invading my thoughts.

I might have
Put on the weight.
But I don't believe
Much has changed.

For myself

Some days are easy. Most days aren't.

I'm trying.

Or maybe I'm not.

#eating #disorder #tw #ed #trigger

Caitlyn Bruce Nov 2015

Thinner

I remember the day I realized I was fat.
I was probably ten years old, and a little chunkier than my peers.
I still have that feeling now, over ten years later.
Looking in the mirror everyday, lifting my shirt, looking at my body.
But it's not good enough.
I want to be smaller.

I used to not eat hardly at all.
Just enough to make my mom feel like I was.
Then, I barely ate because I wasn't hungry, and I was too busy.

Now, at my skinniest as an adult, I still don't feel good enough.
Sometimes I think about what I'd look like if I lost twenty pounds.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm okay with how I look, but it never lasts for long.
That hate will creep up with no warning, and then I'm back to pointing out my fat spots.
I just want to feel beautiful.

#love #hate #illness #eating #disorder #beauty #food #mental #anorexia #ed

Lowercase Nov 2015

Can You Hold My Secrets For A Second They’re Getting Heavy

Please don’t tell anyone;
but I’m scared
Eyes once creased with laughter
now open wide with apprehension
There’s a fast paced drumbeat in my head
and my heart is pounding against the walls of my chest
because I’ve been signed up
for a job I’m under-qualified for.
Please don’t tell anyone!
But I’m sad
and there’s nothing beautiful or romantic
about how my head aches from hours spent crying
and hating myself for tears and everything else
about trying to remember to love my skin
and everything else in it
but failing miserably
and tasting salt.
Please don’t tell anyone;
but I’m empty
My stomach’s been hollow for hours
and my vision’s starting to blur
but I don’t care
Because I’m devoid of the will
to carry on
uncaring of what happens
to this shell of the person I once was.
Please don’t tell anyone
all I’ve got left are thin deceptions.

#poem #thoughts #ed

Michaela Ferris Nov 2015

I am everywhere (mental health awareness)

Who am I to ask you for the time of day?
When you look at me as if I am a wall of grey.
My insecurities are fuelled by that devastating look in your eyes
That rips my very being from existents.
For you see, I am not like you
I am the nothingness that creeps inside your head
And haunts your once pleasant dreams
Until you plead for death to take you in its icy grip.

Who am I to ask if you will stay by my side?
For I am one of those many lost souls
And my abandonment issues how I wish to blame you.
You deserted me but I know I am the one to blame.
For you see my mind does not work like yours
It corrupts even the purest of thoughts
Impales them with the purest of impurities
Suffocating them like the vines around the necks of the flowers.

Who am I to ask if love is a shout into the void?
I still tear out my heart with my bare hands.
I am lost inside a world where no one can see the truth
It’s always them, it’s always suffer you sufferings in silence.
For you see they do not understand what it’s like
To be lost inside your own rotting head
Scared of the monsters under your bed, now they are inside your head.
No one cares if you ended up dead.

So please answer me, who am I to ask for your hand?
When you do not see me they way you should.
You see a feeble, weak, broken girl
Who’s too far gone to be saved.
For you see I am none of your concern
But that is where you are wrong.
I am a mother, a daughter, a farther, a son, a friend, family
I am everywhere, so please don’t turn your back on me!

#suicide #depression #death #anxiety #lost #insecurities #ed #monsters #nothingness #impurities

LovelyBones Nov 2015

Skinny

A gap between her thighs
And hips that protrude
Counting each rib, as if there's something left to prove
Relying on caffeine, alcohol and more
Losing out on life, passing every open door
Crying in the dark, alone next to the scale
It reminds you of your worth and how you always fail
Counting everyday, worried all the time
Can I hit a goal, will I meet the deadline
Wishing you were different, praying to be small
And finally when you get there, your problems will be solved

#dreams #bones #skinny #ed #restricting

Mikayla Nov 2015

Invasion

9,
I was invaded,
A personal space to be kept hidden,
Was shattered with the memories,
Of the father hovering above me.
11,
I was invaded,
My brain tracing the outlines,
Of models curves,
While I refused to eat in the presence of others.
16,
I was invaded,
A duck and weave,
As I avoided the fist,
Of my boyfriend's tensed muscles.
17,
I refuse to be invaded,
My lungs a dark red,
Screaming for me as I defend myself,
And it all stops.
I was not invaded.
- M.Y.

#abuse #eating #disorder #mental #emotional #****** #violence #ed #**** #domestic

chaos Oct 2015

the cautionary tale that happens to be my life

not 18
throat burns from a cigarette
smoke expands in lungs
a head rush, 6 shots
avalanche voices and empty bottles
hands shake, a stumble, a scale
a fall, a brick wall
bruised knuckles, stinging legs
dilated pupils, look, don't touch
numb ***, emotionless
they fall in love, she blinks
mimic the movies, mirror the books
they think you love, they think you think
drugs, cigarettes, meaningless ***
pills, starving, self-scarring
smoke expands in lungs
throat burns from a cigarette
not 18
yet

that moment when you realize that your entire existence is exactly what they warn you about becoming when you get older.

#drugs #eating #depressed #*** #smoke #smoking #ed #bpd #molly #borderline