It is all in my mind.
I know you don't feel the same things as I.
But does that make it any less real?
Does it make me insane?
Oh and by the way, you my call me Nathan today.
That you don't understand me or my thoughts, the way my mind works.
Is that reason enough to call me insane?
Because yesterday I was a girl and today a boy?
Is not fitting in the binary system reason enough to tell me that I am crazy, wierd, insane?
That you don't understand, don't feel the same should not mean that you can judge me. Can't it?

I'm different every morning
I'm never the same person I fell asleep as...
Sometimes I can't even look in the mirror...
I can't connect to who I'm seeing...
Sometimes I want to feel pretty...
Then others I want to be handsome...
My own body makes me uncomfortable...
There are some days when I match up...
Then there are other days when everything is wrong...
Its ugly...
I don't know who I am...
And I can't tell anyone...

Your place is here.
Stay.

Don't move.
This is where you belong.

Don't complain.
This is where you should be.

The voice of society.

Stay here.
This is where you belong.

Shut your mouth.
Don't complain.

Be happy with what you got.
With where you are.

The voice of society.

Telling you to stay.
Not to do a single thing.

You aren't allowed to change.
For this society might not agree.

The voice of society.

Putting you down.
Telling you to lay back.

Don't you dare to disagree.
For the voice of society is strong.

The voice of society.

Yelling at you.
Ignoring you.

You cannot be who you are.
Just stay here.

Don't you dare to move.
Don't you dare to complain.

For the voice of society might disagree.

you call me a sweet girl,
tell me to behave like a lady,
I  am your little princess.

But what if I don't want to be a princess?
Am not a lady?
And don't feel like a sweet little girl?

you call me a pretty girl,
a compliment, but an insult for me.
you don't see.

in your eyes I am your daugther,
Am I a girl,
But sometimes I just want to be a boy.

My body is a curse,
A boundry I cannot cross,
for tommorow it will be a bless,
my body is a cage,
my mind the captived one,
my body is like a prison,
for my very own soul

Something is wrong with me,

I don't know what,

but I am different,

I feel different,

I don't feel like I fit in,

There is no place for me,

not in this society,

I am sorry,

but I am not -can not- be,

who you want me to be,

I am different,

Something is wrong with me,

I don't know what,

But something isn't right,

I am sorry,

I am not who I should be,

sorry that I don't fit in,

I can't help that something is wrong with me

I am locked up in this body,

In this world of lies,

And deep down I know,

I will never be free

I'm slipping
I'm falling

I can't keep it together
My seems are coming undone

My fat hangs off me in rolls
Don't eat
Don't you ******* eat

Look at your body
You are ugly and pathetic
Look at your uneven tan
You have fat *** thighs
Your body is disproportionate

Look at you genitilia
Just look at them
Look how wrong they are
They don't fit you
You are such a failure that your own body can't stand you

Let the self hate build up
Let the dysphoria overwhelm you
Let Ana whispering in your ear be heard
You owe yourself this much

You deserve every last bit

Past sliping
Past falling
You are done

Dear mother,
You say you feel hurt by what I have done.
You say that my issues are affecting you.
But dear mother,
Do you not know where these issues come from?
I think you do, but your ego is too high for you to climb off it.
Dear mother
You say you love me,
But then you never show me.
I get guilt trips and tounge lashings.
You control every aspect of who I am.
You say I'm not valid.
You reject my love,
No matter how I explain it.
The things you make me do to make myself fit into your smal margine of "exceptable" make me sick to the stomach.
Dear mother,
Don't you know that when you get in my face about how I'm a girl and that's just the way it is and it won't ever change, just because I said I'm not a girly girl
Don't you know how much that ******* hurts?
You tear apart every aspect of myself and then wonder why I'm not perfectly put together.
Dear mother
When you get mad at me for being me. You're not keeping a daughter, you lost her long ago but you were too busy with yourself to notice.
But now you're not gaining a new child in her place.
You made sure if that.
Dear mother
Why do I try and do things my way?
I don't know, maybe because you abondond us and I had to fill your shoes.
I grew up by the age of 12.
I have had enough time to learn how things work for me, yet you insist on your way only.
And I'm a failure if I do it any way but yours.
Dear mother
You say you know everything about me.
But do you know about the nights spent crying,
The lunches spent hiding,
Or my head throbbing?
Do you know how dysphoria racks through my entire being, killing me a bit more everyday.
How about the things I write, or the thoughts in my mind slyly trying to turn me to their side.
Dear mother
Do you know that wasn't my only try?
That was only the one that would have worked.
I tried to reach out but you only swept me under the rug and then stomped on it.
Dear mother
I am aware of my chance at a new start in Sweden,
But dear mother do you realize you are the one stopping me from that.