Drinking alone,
I feel so happy.
Noone to judge me
and no reason to try to race home.
I'm not bored but I feel at peace
and that's the goal when you're trying to drown your past
So the plan came to fruition just hope there's no hangover.

We used to fight sometimes
late at night
after too many drinks
too many cigarettes
too many insults
thrown back and forth

First we’d praise each other up
then run each other down
to the lowest notch

There were good times too
But after a while they dried up
The way some things do.

Couple last screams
And I would hear some clanking in my kitchen
Didn’t pay too much attention

She’d go out with her big purse
“Should you be driving?”
“***** you”

I would go to the window
Yell down at her on the street
“Get outta here you bottle bandit!”

I didn’t want her to go
Not really
She may have been a ***** thief
But she had a sort of magic
The way some people do.

I bumped into her years later
In a liquor store
same one we used to go to
I wondered if she remembered all the fun
But the look on her face
underneath the smile
showed the pain.
The way some faces do.

It became the norm;
it didn't change overnight
but slowly and surely,
it became a habit.

A night out drinking
became drinking in alone
and a twisted tea
turned into half a bottle of *****.

No one noticed how bad it got,
that alcohol was missing
and I was constantly hungover
healing that with more alcohol.

I woke up
not able to handle my thoughts
not wanting to see the chaos
I created called my life.

Going out to drink with friends
became a weekly tradition
but drinking alone
became a nightly tradition.

Sneaking juice and ***
or Jack and Coke
whatever I could get my hands on really
just to calm my head.

To numb the thoughts
and chaos
that I made
to shut out the world.

A few nights out
with excuses of parties
became mixed
with nights alone in my room.

Doing shots
chugging mixed drinks
praying I wouldn't get sick
but knowing I would.

Just for those few hours
of nothing,
the numbness
of shutting my brain off.

Blacking out was rare
so I was never ready when it happened
always wondering
what happened in those hours lost.

Not knowing how to stop
becoming irritable without it
seeing the signs of addiction
not recognizing myself in the mirror.

Knowing I had to stop
and wanting to stop
were two different things
until she said those horrible words.

I cleaned up my act
pouring the hidden bottles down the sink
those words working better
than cold water to the face.

there will always be
someone who picks up
a cigarette
after eight years of hiding them
locked up in the bottom drawer

there will always be
someone who uncaps
a beer
after four months of listening
to the words of their daughter

there will always be
someone who goes back
to a lover
after a time they thought was an eternity
of forgetting them, moving on from them,
when really nothing has changed
and the progress they thought they had made
was nothing

I have been drinking too much to write you a song
Downed too many drinks to say I care
Because when sober the pain becomes
Far too much for me to bear

I've been drowning sorrows in alcohol
Numbing the hurt night after night
I want to tell you I love you
I've been drinking too much to write

Empty bottles gather at my feet,
the feral creature is my forbidden religion,
oh sensitive child do you see the evil,
do you see your future,
the straight jacket of steel,
the tears glistening in the night,
my life lied to me,
long walks in the streets,
smell the reapers dead flowers,
I can't stop staring,
sipping away at the truth,
I look to the heavens,
I count the burdens,
I see no gods,
there are no masters,
the truth is ever so clear
but I can't see straight

3 things
I remember 3 things

I got in the car with him.
He came in me.
He kicked me out at 6 in the morning.

I remember 3 things,
Because I was drunk.

I probably consented,
But I don’t really remember.

It wasn’t **** though.
I took that risk when drinking so much.
I mean, it’s really my fault.

I don’t know if it was consensual
Did I want it?
I don’t remember.
I know sober me did not.
Either way, I was drunk.
So it’s not ****,
It’s regret.