It started as an ache,
An ache that always whispered:
"You'll never belong" but then
It became an obsession
of finding that belonging
but always knowing that I won't.
So what am I to do? A lost American
With generational displacement.
Do I keep searching
or try to find it in her (whoever she is)
or just mask it...
Until I die
Creating my own culture of melancholy
"Maybe home is somewhere I'm going and never been before'
I feel so happy.
Noone to judge me
and no reason to try to race home.
I'm not bored but I feel at peace
and that's the goal when you're trying to drown your past
So the plan came to fruition just hope there's no hangover.
"The plan was to drink until the pain over, but what's worse: the pain or the hangover"
At this point I'd rather just be completely alone. Because then there's no facade that I'm never not alone.
And that's the thing that hurts me the most.
It's like I'm telling myself a lie always,
to cope with my hidden fear of being alone.
"Yeah you have this and that" but when I'm laying here alone in the dark trying to sleep all my thoughts creep and I know I'm truly alone.
And that's the only thing I need answered:
Why do I constantly feel this way?
Is my new religion
I plead and beg
But I'm still dead
Is my new Religion
I read you
Over and over
I please you
We're over We're over
Rushing is my religion
It's not new to me
It's new to you
Nightmares from a bottle
While I hang on a rood
Rushing is a religion
But it's just not new
trees stand so tall
and the taller they stand
the more coveted they become
one chop won't break them
but one chop a day
and that tall tree will fall
I know that I can't be what you want;
because my heart is absolutely true
and know I will not give up on you.
That's why you can't ever love me.
He holds you the same as I would,
plays and messes with your hair
just like I would if you were mine.
Every soft kiss on his lips kills me.
You sit up late and talk with him on the phone;
just like we used to stay up late and talk
like that time we spent 24 hours of a weekend
being in each other's company... just talking...
But you never fell for me the way you fell for him
or the way you fell for your last boyfriend
or the one before him, or the one before him.
Five years. Five boyfriends. None me.
None love you like me.
*And that is why you can't ever love me.
Because you know that I'll stick around
When everything falls apart
And try and be your everything
Because I truly love you
And you fear that love
One of my most personal writes ever. Only cried through all of it.