How it happened I remember
Ten little fingers, ten little toes
Had been growing inside me
Nine months she had to grow

Late she was delivered
By a week and a day
Her great-grandmother’s death
Had opened up the way

Bittersweet were the tears
Softly, quietly they fell
Grandma’s words had kept me
Though unsure, I knew we’d be well

Back home my love is tested
My patience wearing thin
Yet four years after Big Sis
I made the same choice again

Ten more fingers, ten more toes
Did little to help what was broken
All my love and all my time
Is what I gave them as a token

Here now, they were a part of this
A whirlwind of pain and tears
Day in, day out I’m feeling trapped
Hopeful they’d never see my fear

Eventually, having had enough
I packed our bags and fled
Emotionless, conflicted feelings
Inside I already felt myself dead

Months…a year…time passed on
Two ladybugs grew and changed
My heart was cold and deadened
This was SO not the life I arranged

Anger replaced all other emotions
Closed to the world, I drifted away
The pills…a plan…it was all in front of me
It’d be better for them I would say

And in this place my grandma’s words
Sought and reached out to me
There was God in this she claimed
Though where He was I didn’t see

Just then by chance I reached out
To one whose eyes held truth and grace
Not sure what to make of this sudden move
I felt myself far outpaced

Hiding from love
Yet yearning for much more
This new bond had awakened in me
A new future for me to explore

Slowly and carefully we navigated
Finding significance in small gains
Eventually unveiling one another
And pushing through the pain

Twenty-fingers, twenty toes there were
Shy, unsure, and confused
Soon those feelings melted away
They were now confident and amused

Where the rocky shores of hearts once stood
Love’s water had cut a gorge
Roots established, a future ahead
An unconventional family tree was forged

And on one cold and introspective day
When the smell of rain awakened me
My grandmother’s words rang out again
“I told you one day you’d see.”

Chasing a dream flawed from the start
Was not what I was meant to do
Forcing fate, proving points
Doing what I thought I was supposed to do

In all that time what I failed to perceive
Was that it was not for me to choose it—
This family chose ME

Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?

Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?

You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.

She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”

She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.

Lies, Lies, it’s all a bunch of lies,
Everything that comes out of this hole of mine,
Lies, Lies, why are you surprised?
You’ve caught me before — time after time.
So many lies got me confusing myself,
So give me the liquor off the highest shelf.
Except I don’t drink, I don’t kiss, I don’t tell,
Ive created a paradise in my own private hell.
It’s built up completely of my perfect little lies,
I’ve become the person that I most despise,
All I do is cheat and look you dead in the eyes,
Tell you what you want to hear and listen to your cries.
No remorse, not a care, not a single **** given,
My truthful story, it must stay hidden,
Cause you see all these things are wrong and forbidden.
You threaten to leave me, and I know you’re not kidding.
So I must keep up this clever disguise,
I must keep lying to your beautiful eyes.
So I ask you now, why even try?
Do yourself a favor, and just say goodbye.

Hear the drumming?

On point
Off note

No tea
No sympathy

Battle drum
Stratagem

Clouded
Shroud

A waving flag
A wavering comfort

Peacefully
Pierced

Sharp pain
Dull wound

Pretty house with a white picket fence and dethorned rose garden, the bread crumbs lead to selfish tendencies

Detach
Separate

"Cut the kids in half"

Part for daddy
Part for mommy

Let them cry themselves to sleep
The drums shall stop

Divided worlds
United cruelty

Bedtime
Bedlam

Rush of blood
Knives out

The drumming never stops
Sudden isolation swallows them whole...

Weddings are wonderful things
I know

But I can't help but be heartbroken
As I see a couple join together

Knowing if they do not love
There will be no chance of love

I'm hemorrhaging out of my chest
where my heart used to be.
He just threw the kitchen sink at me.
I couldn't dodge it, for It was too large.
I couldn’t  evade his powerful charge.
Every insult, that one can imagine,
Spewed from his mouth, begging for a reaction.
I tried to stay strong, I couldn’t break down,
I held back my tears, I kept in my frown.
It’s always the same, night after night,
So why even bother to put up a fight?
Now as I lay dying, an empty shell
I sit here alone in my own private hell.

I’m her eyes, I am more than the sum of my parts.
In her eyes, I am more than the dust in the air.
I’m her eyes, I’m strong and my beauty is real, oh
But that’s not the way that I’m supposed to feel so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! Now she means everything to me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

In her arms, I melt down to nothin.
In her arms, my soul has come back home.
In her arms, I’m really starting to feel something,
But that’s not how these things usually go so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! I’m starting to feel like this ain’t the death of me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Because of her, my world has flipped on its head.
Because of her, there’s a sweeter smell in my bed.
Because of her, the darkness is turning to light.
Because of her, with my demons I will put up a fight

I will treat my flesh as if it were hers,
Instead of blood, I’ll use ink to write out my words.
I can claw, I can fight, I can heal from these burns!

SHE STUNS ME! She breathes the life right back into me,
SHE STUNS ME! My heart has burst into flames you see,
SHE STUNS ME! Now i can be who I want to be!
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Why’d you go and do that to me?
You know what “we” meant to me.
Why’d you go on and **** her?
You said you didn’t even love her.
Why’d you go and break my heart?
Because of you, I fell apart.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For happiness I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t tell me lies,
But you still looked me in the eyes
and said you loved me.

What made her so special?
Why was she so ******* special?
Why’d you have to break my heart?
I was putting back the pieces when you ripped them apart.
Now because of you, my bed is tainted.
You should have said no. You should have waited.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For a love I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
You went and stole my heart,
Now you’re tearing it apart.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
And as you turn to leave, I’ll still beg and plea,
For you to love me.

Wrapped in my mind once again.
“I’ll never view you as just a friend.”
Could this be something more,
Before you go and close that door?
Because to you it’s just a game,
And it’s driving me insane.
I can’t even seem to breathe.
Maybe it’s best if you leave because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

Your arms around my neck once again,
Making my head spin and spin
You never wanted something more,
So you went and slammed that door.
Because to you, I was a conquest.
Of your allure, it was just a ****** up contest
Now your hands are around my throat.
When I’m dead, try not to gloat because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

And on and on this torture goes,
When it will stop, nobody knows, yeah
Because to you, I’m just a game.
See, you’ve driven me insane because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me