'Look at me'*
She spat at the mirror.
'What's wrong with you?'
'Everything is wrong.'
She stares at herself and wrinkles her nose in disgust.
'My hair is limp, my eyes look dead, I'm gaining wrinkles and I'm getting fatter.'
She sighed and frowned hard at herself.
'You're very ******* yourself don't you think? You have positive qualities inside and out.'
She stared into her own eyes with a venomous glare.
'No. I don't. I'm unpredictable and unpleasant and...'
'And...?'*
Her eyes welled up.
'Different.'
'You have a mental illness... You cannot help that.'
Her face turned from the mirror wanting to smash the image of her face into a million pieces.
'At least if I were beautiful on the outside it'd be different to how I feel inside.'
'Well how do you feel inside?'
'Misunderstood, abnormal, confused, different and ugly, very very ugly. I wish it were as easy to fix a personality disorder as it is to fix a blemish.'
She avoids her reflection as she leaves the bathroom and continues on with her day.

don't you ******* get it?!
we could have done it
we were so close

so in love

you ******* left me
YOU ******* LEFT

yet you were there all along

we could try it all again
but there is no ******* way

because the thought of touching you
reminds me of so much saddness

that i would ******* **** myself
if i ever felt that way again

we almost ******* made it
almost ******* made it

the most heartbreaking thing of all is that I watched myself fall apart

I looked in the mirror and slowly didn't recognize this sad girl
and I couldn't find myself
the monsters in my head kidnapped me
I wanted you to save me
so bad

but I felt you forgetting me
forgetting us
so I stayed kidnapped
and slept

you got mad
because I needed to get out of bed
but when I say "I can't" why don't you understand the cry for help

even though the pain is in my head
doesn't mean it isn't real to me

so when I see you smiling and singing
when I always wanted you to sing to me

but by the time I would wake up from the late night of fighting demons
you had already left
your body remained
so you thought with it

I felt like a *****
my boyfriend had his fingers in me and around my neck
while I held my head in my hands pleading for the bad thoughts to go away
you would hit your head too if it felt like it was poisoning your life

you made me feel like I was crazy
and I think I might be

that's what I'm so afraid of
because the monsters that kidnapped me

were me

I dreamt I looked in the mirror
I could see my backbones & I was so
happy
but a kind of sad happiness
because there's no true happiness
inside my
bare bones
but I felt alive
when I was actually
dying
and I feel like I could jump to the stars
and glow in the dark
but I couldn't barely crawl on my knees
I am so weak
Oh I'm so sorry
i can see those bones again
but now they're buried
six feet under
my skin
but they want to crawl back
with me
and I can't say no to them
I can't say no to myself
I can't say no
to these urges
in order to be able
to see what's underneath
my skin
I'm so sorry
I'm really sorry
but I can't say no
not yet.

please stop romancing cutting,
depression, eating disorders,
anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
those things are not beautiful.

it is not beautiful waking up
every morning wishing you
weren't here.

it is not beautiful having to wear
long sleeves in the summer to
cover up the scars on your arms.

it is not beautiful throwing up
in the toilet just so you don't
gain another pound.

it is not beautiful missing school
for a month just because you
couldn't drag yourself out of bed
to see daylight.

but you can be beautiful with
cuts and scars all over your body.

and you can be beautiful even though
you aren't too happy about your weight.

oh, and you're still beautiful if you haven't
socialized with people for a couple weeks.

and you're still beautiful even though you
blew out your 16th birthday candles wishing
you were dead.

you're beautiful, but the things that you have done to
your body aren't.

december is near.
blink your eyes,
december is here.
here come the platters piled high with
sins.
is this really "the most wonderful time of the year'?
god, it all
looks
so
good.
the whispers curl around my ears.
no. no.  fat. calories. crunches. jumping jacks. calories. fat. weight.
the holidays aren't about family.
this is war.
this is about self-control.
this is about my honor.
on goes the lip gloss, the too-big dresses
so nobody notices how fat i am.
"have you lost weight?"
stop making fun of me.
"aren't you going to eat?"
i'm nauseous. lies
i already ate. lies
i'm eating later. lies
don't touch me.
don't hug me.
don't speak to me.
surrounded by sins
calories
fat
bait for their traps.
*just one bite?

My scars don't look like
Anyone else's-
They're more careful,
Organized, precise and
Exact.
Not light, but
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough.

People always ask why
I do such pretty patterns:
Because this is the only thing in life
That I can really control
Control
Control,

And I find it so beautiful-
Though, not so much tragic.

My scars are not chaotic like a
Car-wreck,
They are consistent like a
Coma-
Proof that I was awake
The whole time I was sleeping,
And I could feel everything
Even though I could tell no one.
No one.

That this
Unconscious obsessive compulsion
Demands order
Order
Order, it
Insists by instinct,
An intricate simplicity.

Still, I will 'ever envy
Those stitched gashes, once
Gushing
Gushing
Gushing with surrender and
Serenity...
Each raised and rough coarse collagen fiber
To form a white flag
Forever etched in flesh;
To tell the world
They, were a slave to freedom-

I am only a slave
To *myself.

If you aren't stressed or depressed
They are gonna treat you less.
So shut up about how you're so *******
Blessed.
Like sorry im happy,
And my life is alright,
Am I gonna lose my fans
Cause my  brain is skewed on right?
I don't see how this could be a fair fight,
And I think- what would my idols do?
But even further they've developed mental illnesses too!
Like we're all looking to be biggest threat,
To be the most disturbed person you've
Ever met.
Cause it's poetic and dark,
And I wanna feel deep.
And this positive **** isn't gonna raise a peep.
So I gotta take a jump of faith or some kinda leap.
So I can be who you psychos what me to be!
Like it's easy,
The sadness enticing,
Will help me rhyme better,
Or flow more lyrically.
Like this is my new style.
Give me a minute to think...
Fill my silence with your laughter and childish chatter
As I make myself fall off sanities brink.
Because what really matters
When all you want is hype in twitter?
And to look thoughtful among
All your so called haters?
But your life is perfect...
And you want more,
So you you act like it's less,
So you feel indie and on media adored.
Like maybe you picked up your
Life's passion off the clearance rack in a grocery store. Lol.
But as long as you're not okay!
You know kids be acting fake trying to get some internet love
Posting pictures probably faking gay
Or posting some scars like
white girls have it so hard.
All I'm saying is that this according to this  generation
You have to be broken to get some attention.
And its kinda twisted we gotta feel down
So that we can get lifted.

Anxiety
A ball of prickling fire tearing beneath my sternum.
Fear
A bolt of electric ripping through my veins.
Depression
A cloud so thick is suffocates my soul.
Anorexia
Starving the outside from within.
Bulimia
Inhaling the world and purging it back.
Failure
Being crushed by society for all of the above .....

And still wondering why oh why is it me???

Why?