#disorder poems on Hello Poetry

jai Jun 2018

why is my brain unable to feel any type of affection as pure?
as true?
why must everyone else be using me?

regardless of who you are, some part of me honestly and truthfully does not trust you. and she is neither right nor wrong.

#bipolar #borderline #personality #disorder #bipolar2 #bpd #affection #false #thoughts

jai Jun 2018

absence of life

silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches

sometimes things get to be a little too much. i always found it odd that my feelings caused such physical symptoms. when i say i’m tired and hurting i do not just mean mentally, it’s physically exhausting and i actually get sore from these feelings.

#bipolar2 #bipolar #borderline #personality #disorder #bpd #mania #physical #reactions #silence

jai Jun 2018

a message to my best friend

yeah i mean, i know that the people that i keep closest love and care about me, like with the way i act and live life they kind of have to. but i mean, i, a lot of times act out due to the extremity of the emotions that i feel.
like neurotypicals operate on a daily basis between the levels of 4-6 emotionally, i operate on good days between 3-7, but most days it’s between 2-9, so like this morning when my mom woke me up, like not even rude or anything, the reaction i gave was 2x more intense than what a neurotypical would have, which meant screaming “what” at her over and over, and then she was like appalled at my reaction and just stared at me, so i got even more upset because i read that as a very judgemental thing to do, when in reality she was probably just trying to figure out how to proceed without getting more of a rise out of me, but my brain read it as she was sitting there staring at me in disgust, so i started crying and storming outside to get away from everyones eyes. and those reactions and emotional rollercoasters happen on the daily with them and they don’t understand at all what is going on. and it wasn’t until a year ago that i had a diagnosis even, so my growing up was extremely ******* difficult for my siblings and parents.

this was written the same morning as “mornings”. it was a text to a friend of mine trying to explain like exactly what’s wrong with me, i guess?

#texts #bipolar2 #borderline #personality #disorder #bpd #bipolar #mania #growing #up

jai Jun 2018

mornings

some mornings i wake up, and getting out of bed that day takes normal effort.
other mornings i’m unable to keep my eyes closed because my brain spent all night coming up with new ideas, so the second the sun hits my face, my feet are on the ground running.
the mornings where sleep was my friend the night before are the hardest, though. when sleep fogs my brain, eight hours is a fraction of the amount of time it is willing to accept, and those morning are spent fading in and out from sudden noise, and rude awakening attempts, and the moment i decide to give up on sleep, is the moment i give up on the day in its entirety.

i was crying on the back porch when i wrote this, after being woken up for the 4th time that morning by my mother. i’m sure she didn’t understand that prior to that night, i hadn’t slept in almost 4 days... my mania was not her fault, yet i put all the blame on her that morning.

#bipolar #borderline #personality #disorder #bipolar2 #bpd #mornings #crying #sleep #insomnia

jai Jun 2018

talks between me and my (in that order)

it’s falling, it’s falling.. everything is falling all of a sudden.

but why is it falling?

because i am alone. because i am not being currently distracted from anything.

ahh, there you go again misplacing your emptiness for loneliness. why do you do that?

well-

because you can’t stand to be around yourself for longer than five seconds in a clear head.

i mean-

i did not miss your rude interruptions.. so you fill me up with anything you can find in the moment; smoke, drugs, men, food that i’m not hungry for, or perhaps i’m in dire need of and you neglect me.
now, it seeeems like you’re trying to get rid of me.

no offense but you cause all of the pain i feel. like is it really my fault when you decide to start aching deeeep inside that i eliminate it through punishment? you hurt people and you get hurt back, besides you wear the shades of blue and purple rather well.

hold up, you think i am the one causing that ache? i’ve lain dormant for years, constantly kicked in the face each time i try to get up. you suffocate me, you deprive me, you do not honor me as you should. you lay me down time and time again to feed your sick habits. it would be like YOU to throw your nastiness on someone else, though. reminds me of someone in particular we know-

don’t. you. dare.

go look at me and tell me i’m wrong?
you can’t.

i was in a depressive state, sitting alone in a dark room, having this very talk inside my head.

#bipolar #borderline #personality #disorder #bpd #bipolar2 #depression #talk #brain #me

Dakota Hobday Jun 2018

Anxiety

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped around my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

“Everything is dangerous,” it whispers to me,
And I do my best to block its voice out.
“They’re all going to leave you, can’t you see?”
I can’t lie, it sometimes makes me doubt.

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped about my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

“You’re not good at anything,” it constantly cries,
And I fear it’s speaking the truth this time.
“You’ll never be able to do what you want!” it advises -
Trying to change anything now feels like a crime.

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped about my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

“I’m trying to keep you safe!” it screams,
All of its warning alarms are growing too loud.
“You’re too worthless to have dreams.”
The sirens are making my mind overcrowded.

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped about my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

“Can’t you leave me alone already?” I cry,
And it just laughs at my feeble tries,
Saying, “not until the day you die-”
“I’m training you to be wise.”

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped about my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

I can’t breath, I don’t want your warnings anymore!
“You can’t get rid of me, I’m everything to you.”
All of the warning sirens have combined into a loud roar,
Not a single thought can actually get through.

I have a bestfriend that’s clinging to me -
It’s forever wrapped about my body.
I try to shake it off and be free,
But it wants to keep me away from everybody.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“What are you doing to me?” it faintly panics,
“I thought we were bestfriends until death!”
My mind starts to quiet and I feel a true balance.

“Not anymore!” I shout into the silence,
“This is my mind and I get to decide what’s right!”
It softly cries, “don’t you want my guidance?”
I say nothing, and force it to retreat despite.

I had a bestfriend that clung to me -
It tried to choke my body.
I shook it off to be free,
I don’t want to hide from everybody.

#anxiety #mental #disorder #fear #silence

Anastasia Jun 2018

Invisible

She comes to play with me again
tempting me
sharing secrets
that no one else can see

I fight to move on
yet I stay
embracing her comfort
I take her hand blindingly

Reminiscing
on how she never left me
from the start
she took me in

As absurd as it seems
she makes me feel whole
loved
accepted

I fight to stay alive
I fight
hoping
for a brighter beginning

#eating #disorder

Darcy Lynn Jun 2018

Narcolepsy: A Rant

“I am tired,”
I say

You ask if I was up late
Last night

And instead of telling you about
My hypocretin levels I nod
And laugh and say
“Something like that.”

“What, are you tired?”
My coach asks

He thinks he is
Trying to motivate me
But he does not know
That my very existence is
Bone crushingly exhausting
And yes,
I am tired
But I wouldn’t expect him
To understand
So I say nothing

When I say I have narcolepsy
And you say
“Must be nice, being able
To fall asleep anywhere,”
I have never related
To Ted Bundy more in
My entire life

You suggest I stop
Drinking coffee

I suggest you stop breathing

Teachers talk about the
Impact of sleep on
Mental health and
I think
Maybe that’s why
I’m always depressed

My doctor suggests I stop
Drinking coffee too
I am a little worried now

I google
“Caffeine related heart attacks
In teens”

My findings are not enough to
Convince me and besides,
A hospital visit
Is just an opportune moment
For a nap

#narcolepsy #disorder #sleep #depression #mental #health

Bee Jun 2018

Insane

Cries pleading out in the dark,
New fears beginning to embark.
Goosebumps rising, sweat dripping,
Anxiety inside, fastly crippling.

Trying so hard to conceal,
All these fears I have to feel.
Faking all those laughs and smiles,
My thoughts so far, miles and miles.

Staring blankly, zoning out,
Positiveness I've started to doubt.
Missed the count of sleepness nights,
Feeling so alone when the pain bites.

Hearing whispers through out the night,
Looking around, no one in sight.
Shivers sent down my spine,
Having the feeling that I'll never be fine.

#insanity #depression #sadness #mental #disorder #feels