All that remains
is the semblance of a human culture
that used predication and harsh lines
to guide the gray sedans
driverless
parked along the highway
blanketed in this dust
obvious orange glows indicate it is always dusk here
but I have a pizza riding safely in the backseat
I have to go to my sister’s apartment
the bank teller
with a one bedroom apartment
cat
grocery list
and a square sedan of the future
sleek grays and other deceptions
have rendered this entire City worthless
cars are there to remind me
muzac is all we have here
so silence truly is golden.
Never burst through a door in this City exclaiming you have a pizza. Rather place it gently down
on the plastic wooden dinette set that is never used while
a T.V. is on and buzzers are buzzing
audiences are oohing, and static light emanates
from this one bedroom hell hole designed to interpret
gray as a new City Ordinance.
My sister has officially declared herself mayor of Grey Symmetry City.

(This is my definite clue to bounce)

Most nights I think about killing myself
But tonight you infect my mind
I can't help but get caught up in the melody of your laughter
And imagine your chapped lips against mine

I can only exist.
I can’t feel, and when I try,
My chest tightens
My vision blurs
and shadows
crawl up on me.
I can’t see, and when I try,
My spark of creativity
My spark of hope
My spark of joy
dissolves into nothing.
And if I can’t feel
And if I can’t see
Then I am only here.
I am only a body,
a shell,
a whisper of what once was.

you ever want to disappear?
just disappear from existence?
from the world that's starting to worry
worrying about your mental health
you ever want to go back in time?
back to a time where things were easier
to a time where things were simple
where you only had to worry about what show you wanted to watch
you ever want to just breakdown?
just fall apart but you cant
you cant because you don't want people to know
the silence is deafening
I cant handle it
it makes things worse

I had his trust
Until I didnt
I ****** up and lost his trust
What will happen?
Who knows.
The depression has been worse
Maybe a few cuts
How bout some pills?
How bout smoking?
A couple drinks?
All just to make the pain go away
The thoughts are to much.
Lack of sleep
Lack of food
Lack of emotion.
How about i just grab the blade?
Add some new scars.
Go deeper this time
How about i take some old meds?
Just a few
How about i smoke and drink?
To forget about the pain
To clear my mind.
It seems I cant do anything right
I never will do anything right.

i don't think about you anymore.
except when i become
my own lowest point.
you cross my mind then.
briefly,
grazing the edges
of my reality,
impersonating a friend.

but i don't need you anymore.
so, every time you knock,
trying to sell,
wearing your shiny labels
like a badge,
i'll shut the door in your face
and let the night take you back
to the abyss you crawled out from,
veiled in shame.

The laughter is quiet, the house feels cold,
I watch from the sidelines, left out, growing old.
They share little secrets, a language, a song,
and I sit in the silence, where I don’t belong.

The days blur together, the nights feel the same,
I search for a spark, but there’s none I can claim.
The distance between us keeps pulling me down,
like I’m sinking in water, too heavy to drown.

I smile when they’re looking, but inside I break,
pretending I’m fine is the mask I must take.
I whisper to shadows, but they never reply,
just me in the corner, too tired to cry.