I wish my imagination glistened
as it used to

I long for the rush of enthusiasm
with dreamy violins and brassy horns
of Tchaikovsky and Mahler

Where has the music gone
the tingly feeling in my chest
the excitement
now replaced by numbness
and in the midst of silence
shrill electric strains between my ears

Surrounded by noise I am so used to

Enjoying the background as I pass through

Losing my sense of truth

All I really want to hear is you.

death beckons
and i long
for sweet release
from dreary song

old friend
or friendly foe
merciful end
i want to go

death is memory
not unkown
merely forgotten
as we've grown

looking back
looking ahead
mirror image
t'was always dead

universe
one song
eternal curse
to go on and on

ringing round
in my head
no escape
wish i was dead

im sad because my brother leaves again in a few weeks and i only saw him twice
im sad because i never had a dad
im sad because i "recovered" and i hate myself more than before
im sad because my medication doesnt work
im sad because i have no money
im sad because im not good at anything
im sad because i have no culture
im sad because people are uninformed
im sad because im sick
im sad because im being invalidated and told to just "get better"
im sad because everything feels like its falling apart
im sad because i have no god
im sad because im lost
i wish i could disappear
i wish i could find a way
to make a way

Riding to communion,
Just to exchange drawing of sick scences.
It was hard to sneak flirts,
without your brothers seeing.
They'd never suspect good friends,
not in the Baptistery.
How could such a well to-do family make such a little monster for me?
How could they call us sick and twisted for feelings we didn't quite know?

How much farther could we truly go,
I'm grasping to turn back now.
They're hot on our trail,
it's too late for that though
The pitchforks are near.

They've torn us apart,
let us forget who we are.
It's been ages since I've seen you,
but I still have these scares.

These memories,
these feeling,
they keep dragging me back.
If I can't have you,
then please, please just let leave me on my track.
I can't keep chasing these feelings you've given, they've said it'll **** me.

I keep trying and trying to replace your sick effects,
but it keeps me craving for what I can't have yet.
But your not just somebody, you're much more to me.
Your'e the root of my suffering,
my impossible dream.

I still hate myself,
i truly do.
Because if you came back tomorrow,
I'd still leave with you.