new
unknown
change
it makes me retract
retrogress
pull away
quickly, urgently, full of fear
like a burnt hand from a flame
my daddy always said
"The burnt hand teaches best"
words I live by too
but my momma tells me not to be afraid
tells me not to let fear rule me
caution will always be the enemy of life
life with meaning anyway
but I don't know how to change my mind
because it went from eager, quixotic thoughts
to fear and what we'd almost call disgust
in a moment my brain derailed my train of thought
changed it's course
and I keep asking the conductor what's wrong, what happened
why my feelings changed, fleeted so fast
he just shrugs apathetically
we're all confused here
my heart is so pathetically delicate I think
so easily frightened
reminiscent of a fawn I imagine in my mind
and it frustrates me
mostly because I didn't used to be like this
and I don't know how to change it back
and it's my own? so why I can't seem to figure out my own inner workings is perplexing
and disgruntling
I guess the best way to describe my mind right now
would be
a confusing, fiery train wreck
just like this poem

**** you. Establishing a fake, quick-and-easy false sense of connection, closeness, & intimacy. (Who can so easily share such a dark and painful secret. And all the while proceed to practically skip away like some whimsical creature in which you are.)
Take my breath as I see yours also being expelled from your lungs. (Why is it such the effect you have on me and why, oh, why can i so clearly see it on you as well?)
Lord bless me in spite of these impure thoughts & urges within me, as I glance no more than a few half seconds, for it is all my heart can take. (Oh the things i would do to you. Oh the things i would let you do to me)