I stole one of Donald Trump's credit cards five years ago.
I spent ten million dollars and prison was where I had to go.
I bought a lot of expensive things, including a Ferrari.
I committed credit card fraud and I'm not at all sorry.
I hid everything I bought really well so that it can't be retrieved.
Trump has tried to find it but it's something he hasn't achieved.
Trump said he wouldn't press charges if I would give the merchandise back.
I gave him the finger and he spat on me so I had to give him a hard smack.
I slapped the taste out of the President's mouth and he started crying.
Even though Trump hasn't found the merchandise, he won't stop trying.
Yesterday, my sister planted a few of the stolen items in Hillary Clinton's house.
The police hauled Hillary away in handcuffs and they also arrested her spouse.
But Bill resisted arrest so the police had to use tear gas.
They also beat him with their billy clubs and kicked his ***.
The cops believe that Bill and Hillary were accomplices to my crime.
And that almost makes up for me having to do hard time.

In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to die.
You are probably curious so I'll tell you why.
A man has slapped a pair of handcuffs on my wrists.
He thinks I'm sleeping with his wife and he's ******.
But he has also crammed a stick of dynamite up my ****.
He lit the fuse because his wife turned out to be a ****.
But I'm not his wife's lover, he's punishing the wrong guy.
I'm about to be blown to kingdom come, I don't want to die.
But the dynamite didn't explode, it turned out to be a dud.
But he isn't done with me yet, he intends to spill my blood.
He just pulled out a knife and said that this is the end.
But his slutty wife just drove past with her boyfriend.
He has removed the cuffs and apologized because he was going to ****.
I just crammed a lit stick of dynamite up his *** to show him how it feels.

His name is Mario Mario and he was Nintendo's mascot.
He used to be Nintendo's biggest star but now he's not.
Nintendo fired Mario when they learned that he has a Playstation 4.
They didn't want an employee who plays the games of a competitor.
He thought Luigi would take up for him but he's the one who turned Mario in.
When Mario got done with him, he was sorry and he won't betray Mario again.
When Luigi turned his brother in, Nintendo agreed to let Luigi take his place.
After Mario beat Luigi senseless, he started jumping up and down on his face.
Luigi learned that turning his brother in was a really stupid thing to do.
Mario broke several of Luigi's body parts and his face looks like an old shoe.
Mario believes that Nintendo is dumb because they made his first and last names the same.
And the entire world is shocked because there will be no future Mario games.

I found out why a lot of people started hating me.
I was a screenwriter and I wrote Superman III.
I never dreamed that I'd be bullied when I became a screenwriter.
But people think my writing ***** and I had to become a fighter.
The Warner Bros. executives quickly wished they had thrown my screenplay in the trash.
Years later, I wrote an even worse screenplay which is titled 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash'.
My days of being a screenwriter were over and I was in tears.
Eddie Murphy beat the hell out of me because I ruined his career.
Other people also beat me up so I started taking karate classes.
I earned a black belt and I started kicking people's *****.
If you're another bully, I need to tell you something before we start fighting.
You should back off because I'm far better at karate than I am at screenwriting.

You hired me to be a cook at your restaurant.
I'll cook but I won't do everything you want.
When you said what you wanted, I said no.
I'll cook the food but I won't peel the potatoes.
I won't peel potatoes or anything else either.
Your daughter is accusing me of ****** harassment and you believe her.
The truth is that she desperately wants me to be her *** slave.
When I refuse, she becomes vindictive and she misbehaves.
She tore her dress and said that I attacked her.
I'd had all I could take so I finally smacked her.
I won't give in to her demands, if I have to, I'll take her to court.
She's the ugliest girl I've ever seen, her face is covered with warts.
Because I won't be her piece of ***, she tries to get me in hot water.
I won't peel your vegetables and I won't sleep with your ugly daughter.
When I got this job, I thought that I would love it.
But I've decided to quit, take this job and shove it.

Mother, I hope that finally caught your attention. I know you are busy, so I will make the upcoming statement as brief as possible. If you cannot be bothered to understand an ounce of wit, and I know you will not, then it should be my duty to make this very transparent. Forgive the plainness of my speech. It is, after all, the most you can handle. This must be quite the task for the likes of you. Make of this what you can:

I'd like to insert a bullet into my head, upon yours and father's bed.
I would like both of you to see it, I would enjoy your aural dread.

In life, we all need a kick every now and then, I find.

You have a mother;
She doesn’t know
That I’ve given you a paper
That you have yet to throw.
In other words,
Your mom’s a ***.

As children, when Lucy pulled away the football, it was cute.
Back then I could laugh about it and I didn't give a hoot.
But now that I'm fifty-one years old, it isn't cute anymore.
Yesterday, Lucy pulled away the football like the many times before.
I punched her really hard and I knocked that **** to the ground.
Here came Linus to defend his sister and I had to take him down.
I pounded on his head and I crammed his blanket up his ****.
Schroeder joined in and I knocked him out with an uppercut.
I even had to beat up Peppermint Patty.
Maybe I shouldn't have called her a fatty.
Charles Schulz made me lack self confidence when I was a kid and that wasn't good.
If I could travel back in time to beat the crap out of him, you'd better believe I would.

When I went to Las Vegas, I lost all of my money and I also lost my wife's entire life savings.
I have no hair left on my body because she grabbed my electric razor and started shaving.
I told her to calm down and that she should be forgiving.
That really ****** her off and I'm lucky to still be living.
She said she was forgiving, she was for giving me a swift beating.
My jaw is wired shut and the doctor told me to forget about eating.
For only twenty-four hours, the Golden Corral was giving everybody a free buffet.
But I can't even eat one morsel of food, so I had to turn it down, I've seen better days.
My wife is so ferocious that if she was a dinosaur, she would be a T-Rex.
I learned something as she kicked my ***, she's not the weaker ***.
Her life savings came to a total of ninety grand.
She was my supervisor at work and I was canned.
She's so furious because of what I did that she's thinking about getting a divorce.
She sold my car to get some of her money back and I'm using a buggy and a horse.
I'm scared because of the angry and violent way that she has been behaving.
You'd better listen when I tell you not to gamble away your spouse's life savings.

I like to play dominoes on pizza!
It brings in such an interesting flavor!
Only when it is fresh out of the oven,
Not when it is reheated the very next morning!

A nice thick base!
With tomato paste!
Clothed in cheese!
Sporting meaty toppings!

I pilot this Italian plane with a cargo of
screaming cheeses.
Heading down the corridors into the chamber between two orifices!

Oh little pizza,
Where we are going,
No one can hear you.
My mouth is foaming,
I just want to taste you.
My palms are sweating,
My lips are quivering,
I need to put you in my mouth.
Got me feeling like my higher self!

The pizza’s sad.
The hotdog’s sad.
The pasta’s sad.
The ice cream’s sad.
The map is sad.
The sauce is sad.
The walnut’s sad.
All of these little things are sad!

Taking this pizza,
To the kitchen island,
With a black and white handkerchief.
I gently hold it in my hand,
And lift it up to my trembling face.
Mouth outpouring for a smooth landing.
It’s going to a very dark place.

You look so tasty,
Take a step into my sliding meat elevator.
I close the doors,
And I am met with another dimension of flavor.
We are going down,
Take this ride with me,
We are heading to flavor town.