Sometimes I think of selling pictures of my feet online
Then
I immediately think of the state of my feet;
The state of me.
After conforming to your dress code of black dress shoes and shattered dreams For 11 long years.
For 11 long years
I sat in rows of grey white and black
Perfectly poised in the presence of our educators
Our guardians
Our wardens.
If we deigned to relax,
Laugh,
Breathe,
They would find more to give and give and give
Until we became nothing but frayed nerves
And therapy bills
That should be addressed to our parents
And then I think
I can’t sell pictures of my feet online,
How could I correctly value them
If I don’t correctly value myself?

i'm a swindler,
a trickster,
a not-so-great pretender.
i live my life as an imposter
among the scholars that call themselves
my colleagues,
equals.
what achievements? pure luck
what success? just timing
was my effort ever as
earnest
as it could've, should've been?

i met love in the 4th grade.
he was a transfer student and
he didn't speak much.
love had a little sister who would check
on him during lunch breaks.
love smiled when we played games
after school with our friends.
love gave the best hugs.
love left at the end of the year without a goodbye only to reenter 7 years later with the same boyish smile, carefree attitude and a confession that created a small room in my heart complete with an armchair, afghan and a small ottoman.
love lit up my world with his words, his smile and his spirit.
love took me back to a time of innocence and trust.
when love left again, he didn't tell me he was moving out.
love set fire to the room, the memories, and all the promises love made.
love gave me reason not to trust anyone for a while as love was already months into an affair with his new love.

who is this?
I didn't care enough
to save your number
or even our most recent texts.
who is this?
I have forgotten you
because there was
nothing worth
remembering.
who is this?
a text lights up the
screen and all I see is
a series of 10 digits
that spark no memory.
who is this?
my least favorite message
from anyone
especially
you.

its one of my favorite days of the year.
in order:
my birthday
my mom's birthday
Christmas
June 9th

thank you
for my introduction
to love
for selflessness and friendship
for letting me know that love
should not
come with conditions
for carrying my tennis racket
after practice and
waiting for my bus with me
for loving conversations about
the universe and life.
i'll never forget my first love.
thank you.

I’m sorry that you were a pleasure to have in class
And that you were
Quiet
That you didn’t understand simple
Social cues and that you
We’re stunted
But that you don’t know it yet.
I’m sorry that while in college you
Had the social skills of a
High schooler
And that you probably will
Never catch up
Socially.
So you act more mature.
I’m sorry you’ve had to overcompensate
In every aspect of your life
Just so you could feel
Normal.
And most of all
I’m sorry that you
Will find out in the worst possible way
How extraordinarily average
You really are.

in the air you
breathe.
the lights
you see at
night in the
skies and eyes
of the people you love.
and i feel your pain,
when the hiccups
come,
and the lights
dim.
but they come back
i promise.
they come back brighter
when you look
for a reason to see it.
i feel it.
joy.