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its one of my favorite days of the year.
in order:
my birthday
my mom's birthday
Christmas
June 9th

thank you
for my introduction
to love
for selflessness and friendship
for letting me know that love
should not
come with conditions
for carrying my tennis racket
after practice and
waiting for my bus with me
for loving conversations about
the universe and life.
i'll never forget my first love.
thank you.
I’m sorry that you were a pleasure to have in class
And that you were
Quiet
That you didn’t understand simple
Social cues and that you
We’re stunted
But that you don’t know it yet.
I’m sorry that while in college you
Had the social skills of a
High schooler
And that you probably will
Never catch up
Socially.
So you act more mature.
I’m sorry you’ve had to overcompensate
In every aspect of your life
Just so you could feel
Normal.
And most of all
I’m sorry that you
Will find out in the worst possible way
How extraordinarily average
You really are.
joy
in the air you
breathe.
the lights
you see at
night in the
skies and eyes
of the people you love.
and i feel your pain,
when the hiccups
come,
and the lights
dim.
but they come back
i promise.
they come back brighter
when you look
for a reason to see it.
i feel it.
joy.
you only want me
around
when you need me,
when the keepers
of your company
are busy.
you only want me
if i can help
you
move forward in
life and other aspects.
so forgive me
for not knowing how
your life has changed
when i was
not
invited to see it.
you don't look sick
you don't look like your entire world has been
falling apart for years
and you're only holding on by a thread.
you don't look like you cry yourself to
sleep every Sunday at 4 pm
when no one else is home.
you don't look like you've been
ignored by your friends and family
because they can't deal with someone
else's feelings and problems right now.
you don't look like you've
been in bed for four days straight,
haven't showered or brushed your teeth because
what would be the point when you have
no inclination to even leave your house.
you don't look sick.
that's the sickest thing you can say.
because i don't have a physical handicap
that society has associated with all sick people.
because you don't see the days when i just stare
at a blank wall because there is nothing
nothing and no one that interests me.

and don't get me wrong.
i love you all.
i just have no support from you
because you don't see my illness and
you can't be bothered.
it's fine.
so i hide it further
until i can't anymore
and i find help and support
because i don't want to do it alone
i'd hate to sound needy
but can we talk for a moment
about the weather, current events
how you broke me last simmer,
do you think about me anymore
or what you took from me.
it wasn't a lot, just my trust
and my will to move forward.
i forgave you without question but
the door is still open
because when you left me for her
you didn't quite close it.
now i'm glad i didn't meet your mom
how could i face her
knowing you lied to us both
about what really happened.
you tell them i'm that crazy
girl, you happened to have dated.
that hurt.
I gave you your space and
never once confronted,
all the lies that you told
me, and they were abundant.
i left it in the past with
all our memories
but you didn't. you told lies
about me to people who
don't know me and
it stings.
that i ever shed tears at the
funeral of our love life
and all the feelings i had
took a while to dry up but
that's life.
so can we talk about the
weather, current events, how
none of it ever happened.
The signs have always been there
You chose to ignore the marks
on my wrists, my thighs, my feet.
I chose to ignore your furrowed brows
And I chose not to offer pleads.
I cannot remember a time before I was this broken
Before your calloused hands roamed my bloodless skin and left in its wake, marks more permanent than any tattoo you don’t approve of.
And now
I’ve learnt to make jokes at my own expense to prove that my pain is owned only by me
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