I am a disaster
Smokey eyes and dark lipstick
With a choker around my neck
I was choked all night

The panic attacks
The disappointment
The sadness
It just bursts
Into an uncontrollably cries

Maybe it’s the darkness
Maybe it’s the choker
Or maybe,
It’s just how I am

-s.f

0:00
I fly through the front doors
racing upstairs like hunted prey
praying she didn't see me

1:00
I tear open the make remover
and feverishly rip off
the overpowering
jet black eyeliner

2:00
I steal a glance in the bedroom mirror
and throw on a hoodie over my black shirt
quickly swapping out the black pants for jeans
in a crude attempt to look normal

3:00
I hear her steps ringing off the stairs as my heart beats
sounding together like a drum kit
I pull off my spiked black bracelets
and trinkets
hands shaking palms sweating
as I hide them away

4:00
I feel the door opening before it does and
hope i covered up the look, the spikes hidden
the eyeliner gone
i glance in the mirror and see a pale
empty girl looking back
terrified of being caught

5:00
she asks how my day was while casually looking around the room
her ever seeing eyes falling on my undoing
my small black spiked gothic bracelet
hanging off the desk
sticking out like a sore thumb

6:00
she asks what it is
and looks at me questioningly
talking about how she deposes the style
hates the look
as I fumble for an excuse
of the unusual possession

7:00
I lie, its easy now i do it all the time.
But this was different. I tell her
that its a stupid birthday gift
a throwaway I keep because
friends like to see me wear what they bought
but as I utter the words
I feel like Im stabbing my soul
twisting a knife
calling a part of my identity garbage
telling myself that part of myself is simply a throw away
and despite the fact that I use a fake knife
The sting still feels real
because I know that part of what I say is true

You were the sudden taste of champagne on my tongue
you gave me a taste of my future
and gave me courage
making me explode with every feeling imaginable

You were the choker on my neck
restraining your emotions with a hint of humor
changing the past & making it present

You were the pencil in my hand
erasing everything I thought I knew about love and coming up with your own definition

You were the view from my window
giving me a peak into a curious, beautiful new world awaiting me the chance to explore

You were the fog after the storm
unknown & mysterious
causing me to wander

You were the puppeteer
putting on a show
with me as your puppet
only to leave within a matter of time

i fall asleep in the a.m. hours with my necklace holding my veins together, tight enough to remind me of your fingers interlocking in the very same place.