My mind is in conflict
My mind is lost
I am losing sanity of choices
Not too sure what is ahead
And why do strange thoughts keep coming back.

In moments of clarity, it all looks fine and rational thinking it IS fine.

In moments of irrational and blurry imaginative state I am confuse and unsure.

I hope I can make the right ones.

I have met dates online.
I've had friends set me up.
I've gone to so many dinners,
and I've gone home with
more people than I'd like to admit.

I have slept with men
and I have slept with women.

I have left someone
and I have been left.

I've been in relationships
that ended mutually,
and I've been in relationships
that ended in heartbreak.

I learned the hard way that
*** is not equivalent to love.

I learned the hard way that
I didn't know what love
was supposed to feel like.

I learned the hard way that
I deserved so much better than
what I was doing to myself and
what I was letting others do to me.

I learned the hard way that
I was making the wrong choices.

but I am so glad that I learned,
even if it hurt.

some people never learn
to see their own worth.

I drive me crazy
- there's no hiding or help
for dark self distrust.

Frightening whispers
are like a levied tax of
doubt about my choices.

Anticipations
dulled on anxieties rough shore
- best to keep them deep.

be careful when handling me.
my body was built with gunpowder,
and someone lit my fuse
long before we met.

be aware that at any moment,
I could burst.

you can run away now
and never look back,

or you can wait here with me
and together, we'll look up at the sky.

it's entirely your choice.

but, darling, if you can't accept
the chaos inside of me,

then you will have no right
to comment on
my beautiful explosion.

my hands are in your hair
and your hands are around my neck,
and you’re choking me,
but I’m letting you choke me.
and it’s hard to explain
because I am not in control, you are.
but I am choosing to let you have control,
and that choice makes all the difference.
_________

my ****** did not listen
to my voice saying “no,”
but he did not take away
my ability to say “yes.”
I am a **** victim.
I am a woman who enjoys ***.
I am allowed to be both.
and if you can’t understand that,
you are part of the problem.