somewhere in the black,
my hand is outreached,
searching in that darkness.
pulling out one by one,
an item from my secret drawer.
i’m not sure what i’m looking for,
but i know when i feel it—
its smooth edges or distinct texture—
i’ll know that i found it.
i found it once,
so i know i’ll recognize it,
but the truth is,
i’m not sure if it’s still there.
did i return it to its place?
should i turn on the light?
i’m afraid that seeing all its contents
might distract me from my goal.
you helped me find it once,
but now, i don’t have you.
i’m on my own, all alone,
to again find my missing peace.

I call you up to hear your voice                                                            ­                                                  
I know it's lame; I have no choice                                                    
   Now what am I supposed to do?                                                              ­                                              
   It's all that I have left of you                                                              ­                                                   
 I know that it has been years                                                            ­                                                  
  But despite crying many tears                                                            ­                                                  
  They've never stopped or healed                                                           ­                                           
  My broken heart & how it feels                                                            ­                                                  
  Since the day you didn't come home                                                             ­                                                
  I 've left your voicemail on the phone                                                            ­                                                                 ­       
Your things are how they were left                                                             ­                                                     
I haven't changed anything yet                                                              ­                                                   
    I just can't bring myself around                                                           ­                                               
 To the fact that you're in the ground                                                           ­                                       
Because I can feel you here with me                                                               ­                                              
 Exactly where I need you to be                                                               ­                                                     
   I have all the pictures you made                                                             ­                                                 
Been on the frig since second grade                                                            ­                                                  
   It's like you never went away                                                             ­                                           
  And I need it to stay that way                                                              ­                                         
 Your clothing still smells like you                                                              ­                                                   
I can't even clean your room                                                             ­                                                 
    I open the window each day                                                              ­                                               
 So, you can come in & play                                                             ­                                                 
  I still long to see your face                                                             ­                                                  
 I wish I could take your place                                                            ­                                              
  So young & carefree of heart                                                            ­                                                
Your passing tore me apart                                                            ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                    
It's something I can't accept                                                                      ­                                         Perhaps until my own death

I remember the two dollar coins
I found behind my ears,
like a magician so foreign
ignited my gears,
lit up these eyes,
like colorful balloons,
not only tooth-fairies as I lay
but sometimes genies in the sky....
You were the rough but kind man,
I knew awaited from every saloon.

To play for so long
the world was wide and new,
with shoelace swords and capes from sheets,
and skies that shifted blue.

To play with pockets full of stones,
and dreams that didn’t end,
where every stick could be a sword,
and every foe a friend.

To play for so long
that bedtime felt unfair,
but whispered tales beneath the sheets
made magic fill the air.

I miss the dirt beneath my nails,
the suns that never set—
the years ran off without a sound,
and I’m not done just yet.