Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks
And when that happens the blood runs thick
I'm trying to find reasons for my life story to go on
Maybe this will be my final song
Think I'll just take the razor and bleed along
I'm tired of the darkness
This might be my catalyst

my friend did a tarot reading
and i told him that the catalyst for change
had already happened

he asked what the catalyst was
what the change would be

i told him
that i couldn't tell him one, and
that the other was just me
wandering through the woods with no map
and pretending i was still
an orienteer.

I can't help but wonder
If I was made for something different
To influence someone else,
Instead of the people around me.

What if I was made for so much more
Than tearing others down.
But I just ended up
Born somewhere I wasn't meant to be.

I feel like I'm here on accident,
That the reason I don't fit in,
Is because I'm not supposed to.
I clash so much with others.

I'm fighting with myself,
And the situation I've been put in.
Frustrated, angry,
Wondering if it's fair.

If only I had been born where I was supposed to,
Miles away from here,
Interacting with different people,
To find my true potential.

Instead I'm stuck here,
In a life that I don't fit in,
Becoming a black sheep among the white,
The catalyst that makes things different.

I dip my finger in the still water
the ripples move away like pulses

I step foot into a room
the people drift away from me like I'm diseased

I call out your name and can barely wave
'till you see me and flee

practicing mental gymnastics
insipid memories
seeping their way past
defensive buffers
remembering repressed poisons
as a catalyst for making
wiser decisions

lackadaisical reactions to
sharply defined parallaxes
warrant an immediate shift

fractal spectacles
the labyrinth of my innards

inhale the cosmological smoke of suggestion

words become meaningless
when repeated exhaustively
semantic satiation
slicing away at true intentions
paving the way to
false inventiveness

shallow river beds are loud
prouder than their counterparts
insecurity overshadows

a lack of faith in the faint of heart
everything worthwhile
falls apart