i will always be there to clean up the spills on the carpet
from our drunk friends on new year’s eve
and i will always ask before i throw glass bottles in the garbage
i won’t say that your outfit doesn’t match
but i’ll tell you if the tags are sticking out
and if your hair refuses to lie flat
i will always yell at you for going outside
without a coat, and i will always ask you
to slow down when you’re on your third beer
i will always worry about your rickety old car
that you never clean, and i will always worry
when you tell me your stomach kept you up at night.
there is nothing you can do that would make me
stop pulling up the blankets under your chin,
stop telling you not to drive so fast,
stop cheering you on at every opportunity.
i will always be there, ready to fit the stubborn sheet
around the mattress.
i will always be there,
picking up the bottlecaps.

You didn’t voice even a murmur of a word, but
Your eyes whispered enough words to me to last a thousand nights of Shahrazad’s stories!

Hussein Dekmak

i don't believe you anymore when you say you care

i am, what my friends so sarcastically yet exasperatedly say, 'an idiot'
why?
for many reasons
one being, it takes a solid ten seconds for anything even the slightest bit confusing to dawn on me and when it does it is expressed in the form of an over excited "oh yeah!"
"remember the english homework we got last week?"
.........
"oh yeah!"
two, i cannot drink and not drink to excess- but i'm working on it, i promise you best friends who have looked after me far too much on nights out where we should be dancing but instead they're holding my hands as i throw up ***** and cry over the dog that had wandered into the pub
three- all good things come in threes, right?
i'm an idiot because i care too much
not in the sense that i care too much for my friends and family, or that i care about what other people may think of me
no, i care too much about the boy that has already forgotten about me
i care too much about how he is and where he is and how he is and how he is and
he doesnt care about me
he's living his own life, like everyone else in this world, taking pictures and smoking **** and making friends and drinking coffee and doing what he does best while i sit here writing this poem wondering if he ever loved me
i dont think he did
i was just a distraction from her, who he said he was over but then why were her pictures still up on his wall staring directly at me when we would lie and talk about nothing and everything for hours and i was nowhere to be seen despite how he claimed i was "his favourite person" and now i know how little i meant to him because i am back here drowning and he is safe on land and he does not care
but i do
i'm sorry i'm an idiot
but my friends also say that it is endearing how i react to finally understanding a conversation, i can live with that
my friends say that i'll learn my lesson, and i most definitely have because i'm never drinking ***** again
my friends also say he didnt appreciate me, that he took me for granted and that i deserve better
i'm still working on that part.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't thinking again
I didn't mean to hurt you!

I wanted exactly the opposite!
I just wanted you to be happy...
Why does nothing ever work like i think it should?!

I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to argue with you
I just want you to be happy,
Even if your happiness doesn't include me.

But when i try to leave
To make sure i'm not in the way
We always end up fighting.
Or arguing.
Or ignoring.

And it always makes me feel like crying.

I don't want to play the victim card,
Because i'm not the victim.

I get jealous, but i won't admit it.
I want your attention all the time.
But that's not okay.
I get frustrated.
I feel threatened.

I don't want to lose you to anyone.
And that clouds my judgement sometimes.

I can be such a ******* **** sometimes.
I read over our old messages and i look at things i've said.
I wish i could go back in time and slap myself.

I feel hurt because i feel threatened.
So my first thought is to run away from or hurt you?
What kind of idiot thinks that way?!

I don't want to leave you like everyone else has
But i've left people so many times it just seems like an automatic reaction.
And i want to change that,
I don’t want to be “that” guy forever.

Especially not to you,
To the one i care about.
If anyone deserves an apology
It’s you.

I can’t bear to hurt you, but i don’t know how to stop
So instead i just talk and talk and talk
Where are the actions?
I wish I knew
I’m all bark no bite

What kind of man does that make me?
Am I man or am i mouse?
Mouse without a doubt.
But you are worth so much more than this rat that i am
You deserve someone strong,
Man or woman.
You deserve someone who can protect you
And love you
And help you
And support you
And make you laugh and smile
When you feel like you can’t

I honestly don’t think that I’m that.
And it upsets me
And i get jealous
And i feel threatened
Because all around me that i see
Are people trying to come between you and me.

But I’m backing off
I’m letting this drop
I’m leaving you be
So you can go fly free
And I’m apologizing
Because it’s all you respond to
It’s all i can do.

So it’s all i will do.
I wasn’t taught anything else.
So I’ll do this and hope it helps.

i tired to give you everything,
but i eventually lost myself.
because everything that you went through
i let disperse upon myself.
And that's the thing with love,
we all eventually go blind
because you might have fooled me,
but i had already crossed that line.