since i last let my feelings flow through my fingertips, things have changed.
i have achieved, i have progressed, i have loved. i have lost.
oh my god.
i have experienced loss so heartwrenching, so achingly, emotionally painful it was physical and a black hole has burrowed into my self that vacuums happiness whenever it pleases.
this pain will not ease- it will become normal.
without choice, memories and pictures must suffice.
but oh my god.
i have loved, been loved, am in love and loved. i am experiencing a love so strong, so natural that i feel empowered. this love is like no other- it is like home. it is comfort. it is a warm open fire on the coldest
of winter nights. it is the feeling of sun on your cheeks on the most carefree of summer days.
This Love does not counteract the black hole by any means. It complements it.
replenishing happiness that has been hoovered away, always reminding me that every dark side has a bright one.
"Yin and yang, you know?"
it's been a while
you still exist
in the crinkled pages of my notebook.
last autumn i dog-eared the top corners so i would find my way back.
your veins dance with the curves and loops of my
the contours of your dreams lay in the indents of my ballpoint pens.
your fears bleed black and blue.
your voice--the raspy scratching of graphite before bed.
my sentences often sit incomplete because that's how you left--
in the middle
because you lacked a single transition.
your breath echos at the turn of every page
(i can almost feel your lungs working alongside my own).
your blood runs red as i scribble across the pages--
at times i am in a frenzy, lacking control as my hands skirt along the paper.
other days, i am silent, waiting for my hand to pick up the pen
and bring you to life.
i keep telling myself that
you still exist
in the crinkled pages of my notebook
every time i close its covers shut,
i can't seem to find you.
june 11, 2015
I'm starting to
find that there
relief in letting
go of the things
that i had so
to because maybe-
just maybe- I never
really needed them
in the first place.
I'm beginning to
understand that there
was and always
has been something
between us. And I
suppose we didn't
want to admit that
what we had was
the one thing
we both knew we
never would need.
September 19, 2014
What I am about to say
Will save you
From a great sadness
1. Don't ever caress your broken heart in your hands
The blood will stain your finger tips scarlet
And be imprinted on the next person you hold.
2. Don't succumb
To the comforting grey side
I know its warm. I know its safe.
But its only all those things
It will never leave.
3. Don't keep things hidden.
Who are you?
How can you even think of not being the main character of your story?
4. Don't read books about girls being left behind, and about boys dying
Or about people who are too afraid
Or too courageous
Or whose main characters are liars
Who come alive when you look into
5. Don't let your heart pull away from him
Because you feel like
"You love him too much"
He won't understand why
You are holding his heart
And your own.
6. Don't start writing when you are sad.
The ink won't be able to run from your fingers when you are happy
And you will be left without the words you have
Become addicted to-
You will hold your heart in your hands
And you will pick at its stitches to feel
And your heart will bleed
And it will stain your fingertips red.
You will reach out to him,
And your will leave scarlet smears across his cheek
And his chest
And his wrist
And no matter how many times
The stain will stay
And you will
Wrap yourself in the soft grey
And the Sadness will swear
To always stay
And you will feel loved
Because it will never leave.
And you will start to hide it-
The warm grey
The phone call
The fight you had
The tears and words
That want to come out
And you will turn to books
Not to escape
But to learn
I's and hers and hims
And their words will come out
Black and white
The next time
'I love you' in your ear.
And then you will start to pull away
You love him too much
And that means he is going to leave
And he will look at you and see
That you have his heart
And your heart
But it will be too late for him to
Have kept yours
And it will be too late for you to keep his.
It will be Saturday night
And he will still be yours
But it will feel like he's
And you will pull the thread
Of soft grey.
the difference between 2017 and 2018 is
in 2017 i met you
in 2017 i fell in love with you
and in 2017 i lost you
and in 2017 i must leave you
in 2018 i no longer have but a memory of you
in 2018 i have myself and layers of trauma i'm not too sure me and my friends are ready to deal with yet
in 2017, you were You
in 2018 you are now Him
he does not deserve the privilege of You if He didn't recognise the privilege he had when he had Me.
going into 2018 with this mindset. let's hope it gets better
Caught up in the fairytale
Captivated by the dream
I didn’t notice the warning signs
Or hear my subconscious scream
You manipulated & coerced me
Into falling in love with you
I honestly believed we were soulmates
Even when you couldn’t be true
One other woman is all it should’ve taken
For me to walk out your door
Several affairs over two years
And I finally said “no more”
A typical narcissist you are dating again
Finding solace in new supply & old
I know deep inside you’re as miserable as hell
And your heart is heavy and cold
I’ve made it to day 55 of silence
I haven’t attempted to pick up the phone
Of course I miss “us” whatever we were
But I know I’m better off alone.
You poisoned both my body and mind
You have actually broken my heart
Grieving for a person who is still alive
Is definitely the hardest part.